How can I validate with this much anger?

[PublicAvenger]

Deleted

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[RisingAboveAll]

No advice to offer, but I really struggle with validating thoughts/feelings that seem to me irrational, wrong, or invoke a fight/flight response in me, as well.

[pursuingJoy]

Sorting through your emotions about your mother is likely the most important thing you can do to improve your relationship with your SS.

My H has a BPD mother. My middle kid, his SD, exhibited BPD traits and was finally diagnosed last year. He was so triggered by SD's behavior. Because he cannot come to accept that his mom has BPD and refuses to work through his feelings about her, he can't work through his complicated emotions about SD. Until he makes peace with his relationship with his mom, he likely won't be able to heal the relationship with my daughter. 

You've made more progress than my H in your relationship with your mom, so keep up the good work. If nothing else, take breaks from SS until your emotions are manageable again. Strong emotions are an indicator of a trigger of yours. Use that to inform your next steps to healing.

Give yourself some grace, too. My H and I agree that stepparenting is the hardest thing we've ever had to do - there's no room for error, even small mistakes carry a lot of weight and do a lot of damage. If there are specific things you are trying to work out, let us know. We're a good sounding board.