The worst accusation

[15years]

Raging about me having had ex-girlfriends is one thing, but it's nothing like the accusations of rape which is now being brought up almost on a daily basis.

She's saying that she is traumatized and that i need to accept that and not leave her alone with it, she needs me to explain and come clean about the REAL reason why I've been sexually dysfunctional (her view). Meanwhile, I know that talking honestly about it is not possible because she needs to hear what she needs to hear and not my view. BUT, in the long run it makes me feel like a very bad man to say I refuse to talk about the subject. Suggesting talking about it with a therapist doesn't work, I've done that and it is triggering her.

Yesterday she wanted me to read an article about a convicted rapist, she told me "this man is just like you", but i simply refused to read it, for the first time, I've read many articles in similar situations and I don't want to subject myself to that anymore.

So she doesn't approve of sexual practices from the past and wants to put the responsibility on me, in a healthy relationship we could discuss this and come to conclusions whether we did things one or both of us didn't really want to do, but in this case she can't accept anything less then full responsibility on me. And she will not accept explanations that makes her uncomfortable.

What do I do? I really don't want to talk about this with her and especially not alone with her. For years i tried to really understand her view and began viewing myself as a sexual predator but she still thinks I've never seen anything else than my own side so yeah... I've gone through years of intense anxiety about this and it is traumatic to talk about it, yet her feelings dictates who is to blame.

[SaltyDawg]

  Potentially Triggering Content 

GET PROFESSIONAL HELP NOW

Find an attorney and seek their advise, and follow it.

If you don't want to do the attorney route.  At a bare minimum let your individual Therapist know -- if you don't have one, get one.

I am assuming that the sex was consensual at the time [no matter how kinky] and she is now accusing you that it wasn't.

Under no circumstances 'buy in' to alternate narrative and 'admit' to doing this without her consent if you did it with her consent at the time of the 'act'.

I see from your profile on the post that you are married; however, 'marital rape' post 1976 is a crime, see https://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/marital-rape-laws.html for more details at least in the United States - there are different laws on this in different countries - a quick Google search should enlighten you.

[Notwendy]

You can not change how she thinks. Somehow she's got something going on around how she sees intimacy- particularly anything you may have done in the past. She can think you are a pink elephant, or a Martian, or a rapist. Her thinking doesn't make it true but she can think it.

You can not change the past. She may bring these things up and be upset about them but you can't go back in time and do anything about them. She can bring them up, get upset over them and you can't do anything about it.

This thinking on her part and bringing up the past seems to be a long term thing. It's not just something she has brought up rarely that has been resolved by reassurance. My best guess is that she's repeating some kind of personal trauma with you- something she may not be consciously aware of but whatever it is, she's projecting/imposing some idea on you.

You can't fix this for her. I think it's good that you refuse to discuss it or defend it but also at what point do you decide for yourself how much to tolerate it.

I agree with SaltyDawg- this is a serious accusation.

[15years]

I assume that I have to accept living with this accusation being brought up from time to time, sometimes often, sometimes periods of no mention. The option of not tolerating it, means ending the relationship doesn't it?

I'm noticing that I'm once again (for the third time) having serious thoughts of divorce, it goes in half year long cycles it seems.

I tried breaking up last November, tried suggesting living seperately in May, now I'm not sure how I should do things differently this time. She is very much afraid to be left alone so I feel obligated to stay. She has quite honestly  spoken about divorce being her worst nightmare

[I Am Redeemed]

It's the tragedy of the disorder, that someone with BPD fears abandonment the most, yet pushes away those who love them with their behavior.

You're not able to fix her feelings and you're also not responsible for them.

It's up to you to decide if this relationship is sustainable for you.

[Manic Miner]

It's up to you to decide if this relationship is sustainable for you.

Second this.

[Cat Familiar]

I don’t remember if you have a therapist, but you absolutely need one if you are to remain in this relationship.

She harangues you about your sexual history, accuses you of rape, characterizes you as sexually dysfunctional.

She’s violent on a regular basis for years.

You are dealing with a mentally ill partner.

While you’ve been learning strategies to lessen the conflict and have better boundaries, it seems that this is not alleviating the profound dysfunctionality in your relationship. How this will affect your children as they become old enough to comprehend the trouble in mommy and daddy’s marriage is something to consider now. You don’t want to set them up to think this is in any way *normal* or they will replicate it in their own future relationships. We have a high percentage of members for whom this is their life story.

It’s time to get professional help. Now. Regardless of what she thinks. And that professional help is for you. She will be unwilling to participate, and that’s OK. You have to be the one to decide if you want to continue to live like this.

[Notwendy]

I am worried about your boys growing up with her warped ideas about men and male behavior.

I agree with the others. This is up to you to stay in this relationship or not but it also affects your sons.

[Cat Familiar]

What’s disturbing to me in these types of relationships is the willingness to sacrifice the emotional well-being of multiple members of the family, in the vain hope that the mentally ill member can be appeased.

[maxsterling]

I will echo what other said - this is very serious.  I have been through much with my W, but this sounds quite alarming - and possibly beyond the "normal BPD behavior".

Not to change the seriousness of this particular situation, but I have noticed that with my W, she has ZERO reference frame to evaluate relationship/sexual issues in her own past.  She has no idea what is normal or consensual. 

A few weeks ago she was telling me the story of how she got together with her first boyfriend at the age of 14 when he was 19.  My response to her?  He was a predator who knew exactly what he was doing, and probably used her sister to get to her.   W told me she never thought of it that way.  To me it was quite obvious.  There have been many instances where she has assumed something about me thinking it was something everyone did, only to learn it was not true with me, or anyone I know.  Her response was sometimes anger towards me.

From what I read, it sounds to me like your wife cannot handle the idea that you had sex with others before you met her.  The way she explains that in her mind is that you must be some kind of deviant, pervert, predator, etc.   The emotions are overwhelming any cognitive function.  I've talked to a few others who had spouses with BPD, or similar PDs, and they have been led to believe by their spouses that they are perverts or sex addicts.   You need to find a T.   

[ForeverDad]

From what I read, it sounds to me like your wife cannot handle the idea that you had sex with others before you met her.  The way she explains that in her mind is that you must be some kind of deviant, pervert, predator, etc.   The emotions are overwhelming any cognitive function.  I've talked to a few others who had spouses with BPD, or similar PDs, and they have been led to believe by their spouses that they are perverts or sex addicts.   You need to find a T.

Probably more than just a T.

The others have written wisely.  Now that she made a new allegation, that she "feels" you're a rapist or capable of being one or even likely to be or become one... you are literally in danger.

Remember that old 1960's TV show Lost in Space, where the robot blasts, "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

The only allegation that I could imagine worse is for her to accuse you of child abuse.  (That may be what she does next to ramp up her attempts to berate you.)  Your danger is that serious!

My lawyer, when I asked whether I would need to defend myself against allegations, he quoted a retainer number double his initial divorce estimate.  You don't want to be on the wrong side of such allegations.  Do you have anything to document that she retracts such contemplations when she is less triggered?

I have many times made this observation:

Expect her to be willing to make false (court: unsubstantiated) allegations and more extreme ones later if the first ones fail.  (If she has contemplated or threatened to make false allegations previously, then your risk of that is high.)  Be aware, beware.

[Notwendy]

As well as the legal concerns, I think this is about your values and boundaries. What are your deal breakers? An intimate relationship involves some trust- how much is up to you. Some behaviors make trust difficult- infidelity, dishonesty, violence, addiction, criminal activity. How much someone tolerates these can vary.

Can you be in a relationship with someone who thinks you are a rapist? Can you be intimate with someone who somehow interprets what you are doing as rape? If the only way to avoid being accused of rape is to have no intimacy at all- is this acceptable to you?

Only you can answer this for yourself.

[15years]

I think that everyone here agrees that I should leave this relationship, me included. It's the advice I would give myself. The arguments for staying are weak. It seems the only real reason behind me staying is that I don't yet feel strong or certain enough to leave. Not being strong enough for myself right now is fine in comparison to not being strong enough for the boys.

I haven't really realized before how emotionally draining it was to attempt to leave the two previous times. I wasn't ready to do it, but I learned a lot from trying. Now I know a little about how she will react and how that will make me feel. I know people say it takes seven times to leave an unhealthy relationship, but my goal isn't to try five more times, hopefully just one more time. Logically, the best time to leave would be in the spring or fall 2023. But I know there's no good time to do it.


Several of you mentioned therapy, I do meet mental health professionals regularly, not really therapists but people who work with these kinds of things and have training for it, so I have had constant support also IRL, not just here online.

Thanks for always supporting me here. Feel free to keep commenting. Hopefully someday I will be able to offer more help with my experience.

[Cat Familiar]

Unfortunately there is never a ”good” time to leave these types of relationships. You will never have all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed, and likely you will never feel emotionally prepared to end your marriage.

I remember ending my relationship suddenly, then wondering “what the hell am I going to do now? How am I going to possibly handle everything on my own?” I don’t have children, but I do have farm animals, gardens, orchards, and irrigation systems and other things that are constantly breaking.

Necessity is the mother of invention. I didn’t have much money, but I had the willingness to learn how to do my own plumbing and carpentry repairs, and I was able to take as good care of the animals by myself as they had received previously.

In the end, I realized that I had been doing the bulk of the chores anyway, and had taken the burden of the financial responsibility, since he overspent the money we had made on personal pleasures and nonessentials.

In sum, his contribution to our life hadn’t added up to much, and the energy I gained by not being his punching bag allowed me to be much more effective, and more important, happy.