40 year old son with undiagnosed BPD-Help

[Aliskwat]

 HELP: I am going crazy trying to fix my son! He is 40 years old.  He is mentally ill and as of today, there still is no diagnosis!  My counselor and others have commented my son could have BPD. My husband and I bought the book, Walking on Eggshells. We both have read it! How can I get my son to seek help for BPD, from the actual diagnosis to walking into the therapist's door?  Anyone with advice, I would appreciate your help or suggestions, PLEASE! Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Couscous]

Here’s a resource you might find useful: https://reconnectionclub.com/time-wasters/

[Sancho]

Welcome Aliskwat
This is a place I come when I am at the end of my tether - which is where you sound as though you are at right now. I guess you have been dealing with things for a long time now and need it to stop - and the way to stop it is to get help/medication/counselling etc.

I have - like most people here - been through this and it is so painful, frustrating and somehow makes you feel sick in the stomach dealing with it day in and day out.

The problem is that we can't do it for someone else, and particularly for an adult child. Years ago I came across something titled 'Letting go'. It was lots of different statements about what letting go is. One of these was 'Letting go means I can't do it for someone else' - or something like that.

It is great that you have read Eggshells and there is a lot of help just reading these things, and the posts here, finding out how others interact with their adult child and how they cope.

I came to understand that it is a marathon, not a sprint and I had to look after myself. It is so hard to do when you see your child ill and nothing happening to help!

Could you post again with some detail about how your son is and how he responds to the idea of getting help? Sometimes people here have had similar situations and can let us know how they responded and whether it helped.

Glad you have found this forum . . .

[Rev]

How can I get my son to seek help for BPD, from the actual diagnosis to walking into the therapist's door?

That's a question that everybody here, regardless of what specific issue brought them here, asks.

And it goes without saying that there's no "one size fits all" suggestion.  Beyond being a supportive presence, where you accept your son where he finds himself and where you still maintain your boundaries, I'd say that being consistent in your compassion and unwavering in your personal values is important. This is a waiting game where the more dysregulated your son becomes, the more regulated emotionally and behaviorally you must become.  AND... that can be very hard on a parent.

So the other thing you can do to help your son is to help yourself. Because this takes lots and lots of energy and it can be full of challenging emotions and negative self talk.

Beyond that, what does your own intuition tell you?

Hang in there.

Rev

[By Still Water]

Hello Aliskwat,
   Ours is about the same age; he lives a distance away and has estranged from us, again.  Does yours live independently?  The saying, here, has helped me to stop thinking we can fix him: “We didn’t cause it; we can’t cure it; we can’t control it.”  Sure, it’ll always hurt, however we have stopped allowing it to limit our happiness. As Sancho wrote, we learn to take care of ourselves, focus on those who desire healthy relationships, pursuing our talents, etc.,  so we can live fully. What support have you surrounded yourself with? Counseling? A local NAMI group of parents? This group is sovaluable...just knowing others are walking the same heartache road. Had your son shown signs in elementary school? Ours had.
.

[Aliskwat]

 I still need help with my almost 40 yr. old son possibly having BPD.  I wish I had a magic wand to fix him and have time with him. He hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD. However, a few therapists have suggested he may this, or bipolar. I have thoughts of killing myself so my husband can deal with our son. But, I don't really want to end it all and not help our son get healthy in anyway I can.  On top of all this, I think my husband may have BPD! He acts very much like our son! Weird! Who can I talk to who can give me sane advice?  Sincerely, Aliskwat

[Rev]

I still need help with my almost 40 yr. old son possibly having BPD.  I wish I had a magic wand to fix him and have time with him. He hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD. However, a few therapists have suggested he may this, or bipolar. I have thoughts of killing myself so my husband can deal with our son. But, I don't really want to end it all and not help our son get healthy in anyway I can.  On top of all this, I think my husband may have BPD! He acts very much like our son! Weird! Who can I talk to who can give me sane advice?  Sincerely, Aliskwat

Hi... Wow. So sorry to hear about all the pain you seem to be carrying. There's nothing harder than worrying about a child.

You're asking for advice. Is there a specific question or two you can offer that will help.start the conversation?

Rev

[Manifest32f]

Hi: I read almost all the threads a couple of times a week. Sometimes when it gets overwhelming to manage on our own, I spill my guts out to you all and seek help. We have a udBPDd who is luckily (for us) financially independent and had been managing on her own. 3+ yrs ago, due to her continued attack (rarely physically but emotionally exhausting and draining) on us, we retired and moved away. Foolishly we came to visit her, not having seen her in 2 1/2 years and longing to make sure she was safe and doing ok. We made a grave mistake and since the day we arrived, she has been verbally very abusive and asking us to leave immediately. We are never sure if she is serious about it since she has behaved like nothing happened the following day. So I need some advice- today she again demanded that we leave right away and after an hour or so, said she gives us until the end of the week to rebook our flights and pack up and leave and never to come back. She said she will move in with her friend tomorrow to return only after we leave. We are really confused as to what to do- I have family we had planned to visit before we left the country and now we are not sure we will be able to do that or anything else we planned to do before left here. It’s heartbreaking to see our only child suspecting anything we say or do and finding fault with all that we say and do. We hesitate to say anything lest we say something to hurt her feelings inadvertently and she interprets it as us being ‘lazy’ to do the work needed to build the relationship with her. On the other hand, it appears like she is waiting for us to say something so she can find fault with it to ‘prove that we don’t love her, care about her and only use her’. We are really heartbroken and shedding tears in bed. Any suggestions is welcome. Sorry I have been rambling…

[Aralia]

Hi Manifest it has been a couple of days since your post. How are you doing? I just read it and I thought maybe it would be easier if you stayed at some other lodging for a couple of days. You haven't seen her in a while and maybe she is a little overwhelmed and it is coming out as hostility. I am hoping it is working out because it sounds like a heartbreaking situation.