More false accusations

[KBug]

I'm not even sure what to ask for from you all or how to respond to all of what is going on.  I guess I need to vent and some empathy and maybe some insight from all of you.

My stepdaughter (24yo) has BPD and so does her mother (the ex). The ex has regularly engaged in parental alienation with all the kids (2 daughters, 2 sons). The oldest daughter has multiple mental health issues including BPD and schizophrenia and has been no contact for several years. One of the reasons my husband divorced the ex is because she was jealous of their relationship with him and doing everything she could to alienate the kids from him.  Divorce did not help the situation as he became the villain that destroyed the family. The kids are all over 18 now and the boys have come back around to us and we have good relationships with them that are getting better over time.

The SD has lived on and off with us since she turned 18 because her mom's house is so toxic. Whenever she gets angry with her mom or us, she moves into the other's house. About 18 months ago, I set a boundary with her that if she is going to live with us, she needed to be in school, have a job, or be in intensive therapy. She moved out (ghosting us) and went no contact. Then she started spreading lies that my husband molested her older sister's teenage friends several years ago. This had to have come from the ex since SD was a toddler at the time and has had no contact with her sister for several years. If there were any truth to the accusations, the ex would have brought them up in custody hearings. The accusations emerged 4 months before I married my husband about the time that the ex found out that we were getting married.

At the time, we told SD that we didn't feel safe being alone with her due to the false accusations. She's not allowed to come to our house unless we have other people there and she can't live with us. We told her that we might reconsider these boundaries if she would go to therapy with us. She could choose to see our therapist, her therapist, or someone else. We've been in low contact since then, only seeing each other at big family events. During those events, she leaves dramatically.

Now a year and a half later, we find out that she spreading the same rumors with family members.  They know what's going on.  Mostly they ignore her. Husband's sister called me today to let me know it's going on again and that we need to make sure that we protect ourselves. I'm sure that my husband's other sisters have been getting an earful, too. She doesn't want me to tell my husband because she doesn't want to breathe any life into the accusations.

I suspect that this renewed attack is due to the fact that she is running out of housing options. She can't live with us. She won't live with her mom (or maybe can't by this point). She's been living with a boyfriend and his family but has been sniffing around for a new place to live so I suspect that she's wearing out her welcome there. She asked her grandmother if she could live there but she said no because she's afraid of false accusations and doesn't want to put up with her emotional abusiveness. Her aunts have said no. I think that she is getting desperate and creating a drama storm.

I'm angry and sad and afraid. I don't want her in my life now if this is what it's going to be like. I'm angry that we provide a loving, calm, and supportive home and we get this BS from her when her mother is verbally and emotionally abusive. I'm sad that she's so hurt and that we don't have a healthy relationship with each other. I'm sad about the deep pain she causes my husband (even though he mostly numbs his emotions about this). I'm afraid of what this will do to family relationships, especially with our sons and my husband's sisters. I'm afraid that someone will believe her and that will cause problems for my husband and me (a member of the family that's she's living with works for the same organization that I do).

Our therapist has reinforced no contact or low contact (with witnesses) with us, and we agree. I know the 3 Cs and use them as a mantra.  At this point I don't want her in my life because I feel very unsafe with her. However, we still help her from afar. We pay for college tuition and books when she's in school. We help pay for therapy when she's going. We'll help with things that will help her to move in a more independent direction.

I'm not sure whether to talk to my husband about the latest developments other than a general how do you think SD is doing and we need to continue with low contact. I'm not sure how to deal with my anger, sadness, and fear right now in productive ways. I want to reach out to SD and let her know that we love her but can't be with her right now, but I won't because that will make us bigger targets and breathe life into her emotional firestorm.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi KBug
I think your words 'angry and sad and afraid' sum up how we all feel a lot of the time. You are a very caring person to feel this way after all that has happened.

You mention that you sense that sd is looking for another place as doors may be closing. In my situation I also seem to have a sense when it is going to be - or is - a unsettled/more chaotic time. We seem to go through some cycles when everything is in turmoil, a period of sorting things out, a settled time and then repeat back to the turmoil.

It is good that people take the accusations for what they are worth. It is also good that you have taken measures to protect yourself - congratulations on that.

When the turmoil stage is happening, it can be very painful to not jump in. But I have learnt this over the years, to sit and wait.

You are supporting her in a very positive way.

I keep coming back to the fact that BPD is a complex, serious illness and I am not qualified in any way to address any of my dd's needs. My contribution - like yours - is what I can do.

And that knowledge brings me a sense of peace even in all the chaos and pain. I am convinced that people who are in any way connected to a loved one with BPD are just amazing!

[KBug]

I spoke with my husband about this.  He took it a lot better than I am. He said that he's had years of practice with the ex who has BPD and that the best thing is to disengage and breathe no air into the drama. Engaging with her or even acknowledging that anything is going when she's being abusive like this only rewards her need for drama. In the past, he's made it clear to her that he won't engage with her when she's being emotionally abusive. He's also much better at the 3 Cs than I am. 

"We seem to go through some cycles when everything is in turmoil, a period of sorting things out, a settled time and then repeat back to the turmoil."
Oh my gosh, yes! The drama comes in waves. She gets out of intensive inpatient, stays with her mom for a month or so, ends up at our house for several months, starts spiraling, creates drama, we set new boundaries, she moves to her mom's house for a few months, ends up in in-patient, and so on...

"When the turmoil stage is happening, it can be very painful to not jump in. But I have learnt this over the years, to sit and wait."
Breathing deeply. You're right. She's 24 and needs to feel the consequences of her decisions and actions. I can't cheat her out of the opportunity to learn and grow and become more independent.  I'm hoping that getting older and running out of options will cause her to engage more deeply in therapy and healing.

Sancho, thanks for your encouragement.  This is so painful.

[KBug]

Update: SD just called my husband. She had gone off her meds and ended up in in-patient. Now she's back on her meds and in therapy. Her therapist thinks that she may have schizoaffective disorder, too. In talking to her, she seems more stable than she has been in a long time. Of course, there was no acknowledgement of what she had been saying about him. At least she's talking to him again.

[Sancho]

Hi KBug
You were spot on regarding the steps or stages in the cycle you go through. Fingers crossed that this time there is more stability and things will move forward rather than around another circle. Hope there is a good amount of time of peace at least so you can breathe for a while!