Blocking Ex

[LeftShoe]

As I read this forum, and others, I'm learning that my story is pretty typical. 9 months ago I met the perfect woman. We share the same values and beliefs, the same hobbies and interests, and just had amazing chemistry. Things were great for a couple months, and then the extreme jealousy and trust issues appeared. I didn't understand, and made some mistakes that helped trigger these issues, and the relationship ended dramatically.

But I knew we were meant to be together, so I stuck with it, gave her space but never fully disappeared, and worked on myself. After a couple months, we went on a date and picked right back up where we left off. And this time it was even more amazing! We spent weeks together, having awesome adventures, great food, incredible sex, and slow, lazy days of cuddling at home. I probably went to unhealthy lengths to avoid triggering her and may have suppressed my feelings too much to avoid stepping on hers, but it really didn't feel like a problem. The good times were so beautiful it was worth whatever I had to do. The issues came up a couple times, but we were able to work through them, and it really seemed like we were on a stable path to a happy life together.

Then it all fell apart, without much warning, and no obvious event to trigger it. She was incredibly angry, said some bad things, and left. Never once have I ever said anything spiteful back to her, and i tried to be understanding and validate her feelings while also denying her accusations. She apologized a few days later, but long story short, it got much worse just as it appeared to be getting better. After a barage of really hurtful messages, I finally had enough and told her that, though I love her, it wasn't healthy for us to keep talking. When she sent another hateful message, I blocked her.

So, my question is, did I do the right thing? To be honest, my hope is that it will make her realize she needs help, that she will reach out to me through my phone (haven't blocked her number), will agree to get treatment and maybe we can make it work at some point. Or maybe it will at least plant a seed that will help her find happiness in the future. I still desperately want to be with her, but I also know I need to respect and care for myself. I know I couldn't continue to let her intentionally hurt me. But I'm also feeling kind of guilty, like I abandoned her at a time when she is really unstable and confirmed her fears. Ultimately I know I had to create boundaries to protect myself from her rage, and whether or not I ever hear from her again, I really want her to be happy and get help. Could this be a wake up call to her, or will it just make things worse? She isn't diagnosed, but definitely has traits consistent with BPD and/or cPTSD.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

There’s a reason it’s called the *Honeymoon Phase* and you experienced this at the beginning and again when you briefly reconciled. The problem is that we *nons* expect our BPD partners to be able to maintain this phase, when for them, it’s more of a brief bonding exercise than something that is enduring. To be fair, we too, put our best foot forward during these times, but at minimum, we can usually remain at least civil during difficulties.

Undoubtedly you’re not the first to experience this from her. Will she have any self awareness? Most people with BPD tend to blame others, rather than look within. Also will she seek therapy? It’s very unlikely for the above reason. BPD is a shame based disorder and it is very painful for those who have it to do the inner work and confront their demons.

[LeftShoe]

I don't expect things to stay the same after the honeymoon phase, I'm comfortable with what should come next. I think maybe people with bpd expect it to stay the same, and when it levels out some, they misread that as the partner losing interest.

She is very self-aware, sometimes. She has in the past acknowledged that the things she accused me of did not really happen. But she goes back on that when she has another episode. This one seems to be lasting much longer than usual.

Anyway, was blocking her the right move? I'm really struggling with that decision and fighting to urge to just reach out to her again.

[Rev]

I don't expect things to stay the same after the honeymoon phase, I'm comfortable with what should come next. I think maybe people with bpd expect it to stay the same, and when it levels out some, they misread that as the partner losing interest.

She is very self-aware, sometimes. She has in the past acknowledged that the things she accused me of did not really happen. But she goes back on that when she has another episode. This one seems to be lasting much longer than usual.

Anyway, was blocking her the right move? I'm really struggling with that decision and fighting to urge to just reach out to her again.

Hi Left -

Welcome - and sorry that you find yourself among so many others seemingly wondering which way is up.   My friend Cat has a way of bottom-lining things in such a clear way. I'd really encourage you to try and accept the straightforward assessment she's given you.

It can be really hard to accept that we have been wrong or mis-read the person we were with.  Sometimes it can really hurt. In my case it did, coupled with a real fear if I left. That's another story for another time.

For what it's worth, here's my thoughts on the above...

1) No - that has not been my experience personally or what I have read from others. pwBPD live in a world of feelings based facts. It really always has to do with what they are feeling in the moment and that dictates how they receive you. Because they are not emotionally regulated, what worked today may not work tomorrow. And so on... You would be best, I think, to focus on your own consistency and knowing where your limits are in dealing with her inconsistency. There is little to be gained in trying to understand her. It really is about accepting her as she is.

2) What seems like "self-awareness" is likely saying what is necessary in the moment as a means to an end. pwBPD are adept at mirroring what the other person needs to hear. Because the condition causes a severe lack of empathy, pwBPD learn to feign emotions. That's why you are seeing her go back and forth - something known as push-pull behavior.

3) If you need to ask, then my intuition says "yes", you made the right decision. Look closely at your second statement. You are struggling. Any healthy relationship would not have either of these two statements attached to it.

My friend. Take this time to take care of yourself, surround yourself with affirming friends. The more you to that, the less the urges will hook you. Keep that up for a while - like six months - and you'll be amazed at the difference in outlook you have. Right now, it sounds like you are pretty raw and shaken by what has happened. Much of what you are sharing is focusing on her needs. What about your own?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.  

We're in your corner.

Rev

[Turkish]

She apologized a few days later, but long story short, it got much worse just as it appeared to be getting better. After a barage of really hurtful messages, I finally had enough and told her that, though I love her, it wasn't healthy for us to keep talking. When she sent another hateful message, I blocked her.

After she apologized, how specifically did it break down?