For the moment, I am in a similar boat as you, but not quite as calm. There has been some minor setbacks here and there, but nothing like it has been in the past.
With the aid of therapists, I have set and am maintaining firm boundaries [loss of control for her]. In return, she set some too -- amazingly enough these boundaries were the next ones that I was going to implement, I told her "I love those boundaries, they work best when they go 'both-ways'!" -- she gave me a nasty glare but then apparently understood these would further reduce her triggers, and my reactive ones too. Therapy does work, I think her individual T is doing an amazing job [after I enlightened her with my concerns that I know my uBPDw knew about -- her violent tendencies; however, I didn't mention the ones that she didn't know about -- I will have to plan another meeting to address those once things have stabilized a bit more].
This has stopped the violence, and has dramatically reduced the threat of violence -- easy low hanging fruit from a Therapy viewpoint.
No rages for over a month.
She is now recognizing her triggers and is actively avoiding them.
There was one suicide ideation and it lasted for less than 5 minutes a few days ago, but it wasn't a full blown threat / attempt like in the past. Other forms of verbal / emotional / psychological abuse is dramatically reduced, but still present at dramatically reduced levels.
However, she has done another threat of divorce, and that is very triggering for me (as I have my own abandonment issues not related to BPD) so she is trying to regain some of the control that she has lost.
We have had conversations, that involved negative emotions (anger, distrust, resentment, disappointments) without splitting - amazing - I have never experienced this before with her with negative emotions.
However, on the flip side of the coin, she is also controlling the positive emotions as well, and for the time being has suppressed them completely.
Like you, there is no kissing, and I am 'allowed' to give her a hug in the morning with permission, and only if she feels like it. She is very much controlling by her 'withholding affection' at all levels. Hopefully, with a bit of therapy, some will return -- only time will tell.
At least it is giving her tools to better handle her emotions around the children which are benefitting the most from this.
Made a lot of major progress in the past month +, but we got a long way to go.
I've read on another site, once there is an initial remission [I am looking at it as 'suppression'] of symptoms/traits these typically lasts around a year before it needs to be addressed again with another year of therapy.
