I have been devalued several times; however this is my first discard. I am using this time to do some inner work and work through childhood trauma.
BPD ex did raise some valid points in the devaluation stage (although the delivery could have been better.)
Should I have worked on my trauma and addressed certain other concerns BPD ex had and can demonstrate significant progress is there hope for a longer more stable relationship? Can the dynamics change? Or will I always be held accountable to my past?
To me, what you wrote has almost nothing to do with your BPD ex. You come first in life. You always come first. So if you're struggling from things in your past, take this time to face those demons and better yourself. I know from personal experience that it's incredibly hard to look at our mistakes or past traumas, but it is always worthwhile if you come out stronger on the other side.
I said that this has 'almost' nothing to do with your ex. The part that does is their power over you to make you feel less than perfect. They only have that power if you give it to them, and you can choose to no longer accept that. Again, you come first in life- focus on you and what you need to feel complete.
I've learned the hard way that what I 'want' and what I 'need' are two completely different things. While I still hope to reconcile with my BPD wife, I've realized that I'm a good person that doesn't need all the chaos and hurt that she brings. It took me almost 3 months of separation to realize that, so I hope it helps you as well. You come 1st!
