need help, how to get support from high school

[Snow Snow]

Here is the situation:  Triggered by family trauma this Sep,  my D stayed in the residential mental health program for 3 weeks.
Other than no friends in school, she has a lot of stress to catch up academically since her discharge, especially one science subject. Now she missed this heavy loaded science  for 3 weeks. Only 10 days after her resuming school, she had to take this big science  test. I emailed and requested the school coordinator to delay this unit test for my d -- no response.

Unfortunately My d didn't know any other options at that moment and had to take the test. The result is of course not great barely 70. She requested to retake the test and was rejected by her teacher. I talked to her counselor to retake or pass without any grade(this was a possible option before). But the counselor said he is not worried about my D grade because overall this quarter is low B. My D is afraid to talk to this teacher.

At this moment my D  cares about her academics and doesn't have good DBT skills to handle it yet -- academic failure would be a big risk factor now. She has high academic achievement before her diagnose of depression/anxiety/BPD traits this summer.

I am requesting to retake the test after her finishing studying the unit. We are trying to reduce her stress as much as possible now, to gain time so that she gets the skills and lower her academic expectation.

It is very bothering to see the stress my D brings from school especially this science subject.  I feel school doesn't give enough support, creating obstacle for her to be successful in school,  causing humiliation for her. How to convince to get support? Or any other suggestions? Where could I find an education counselor who understands BPD and could coach us to advocate?

I read other posts here and understand 504 and IEP.  We would target 504 if we  should. My d feels shameful to get 504 now. She only needs support to catch up during these two months. Is retaking the test impossible without 504? or our best best is trying to get 504 asap not asking retake? Please advice. Thank you all so much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

My son has had a 504 for a few years now. He's in 7th grade. I'm not sure how it works in university, but the school has a legal obligation to follow a 504 once initiated and qualified.

As for convincing your daughter, this might be tougher. People with BPD feel core shame and I can imagine how it might be shaming. However, the structure is there for people like her and my son (ASD1/Asperger's). Having recently been discharged, that's another struggle, but it's legitimate, yes?

Unlike my son, she's not a minor. You might benefit from using the communication tools her to get her on board. Like https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

See the discussion at the READ MORE link at the end. It's tilted towards romantic partners, but SET helps with anybody.

I'd maybe come at it such as 504 plans were enacted to help those that needed them, mostly not people with BPD,  but any students who need help.

[Snow Snow]

Thank you very much for your reply.
My daughter is in 10th grade. You are right she has a lot of shame which could be a reason she doesn't want 504 and let all her teachers know  about her mental health problem. That's why one of her science teacher complains that she doesn't go to her office hour returning to school for help. We told her counselor honestly her issue.
Initially I am thinking if my daughter could  retake the test then  the immediate problem could be solved. It doesn't look like positive, then we have  to go for 504 plan.  It's comfort to know that being newly discharged from mental hospital could be a legitimate reason for 504.
Thank you for your link of ending conflicts. I will take a look.

[Sancho]

Hi Snow Snow
Has the school been sent a letter from a medical professional at all? I feel that they would need to consent to any suggestion presented by your dd's doctor - and they may be more flexible and open to listening to you with written medical support.

[Snow Snow]

Hi Sancho,
Thank you! That's a very good point. It's a bit long story. I will keep it short.
Yes the hospital did send a simple letter to our school, stating the time in the hospital and academic accommodation would be helpful. It doesn't mention the diagnosis (anxiety, depression...).   Our daughter was evaluated in a general hospital as BPD.

Our staff psychologist from this mental hospital didn't contact or call our school counselor. Maybe that's why school didn't help us much so far.  More tests are coming. I am searching through internet for an advocate  who understands BPD to help me quickly what I am supposed to do. We used to know a special education advocate, but sadly she must be scared away from BPD.  We will ask this psychologist to call our school.

[Snow Snow]

Without a 504 or IEP or some legal protection, school could make kid miserable.
My D missed about 20 days of school, 3 days and 10 days after she returns school she has to take two  exams of this science subject which regular students take 20 days +10 days to master all materials.  My daughter has no time to finish all studying materials before the exams.

[Snow Snow]

Hi Sancho,
Do you have any idea what kind of medical information usually release to school? Diagnosis? Detailed suggestions of  accommodation?
My D hospital planned us to sign two release forms: 1) the letter from hospital(very simple).  2) the "crisis plan" written by my daughter with a lot of personal information, no medical information.
School already the has letter.

[Aralia]

Snow Snow I am so sorry to hear that your daughter is experiencing these difficulties on her return to school.  An IEP or 504 plan might be helpful to her in the long run because it could have suggestions to reduce her anxiety, like taking tests in a quiet place instead of a classroom.  Also, teachers do not need to know exactly the diagnosis, just the accommodation. 

But a 504 plan will take a while to get and your daughter is in a fragile place.  She needs help now.  She is being traumatized watching her good GPA go down the drain with unrealistic demands.  The residential program did you no favors by not linking up with the school. Do you still have contact with someone at the residential program?  Can you ask them to attend a meeting with the school psychologist and the school guidance counselor?  At the very least can they give you a detailed letter to give to the school that would have recommendations for how your daughter should make up the work and the classroom setting?  Can you call the school psychologist? And maybe even the principal?  It is helpful to get as many people as you can in a room together (or on the phone) so that the school will understand your daughter is having a mental health crisis.

Another thing that might be helpful is if you and your daughter could write down a reasonable plan for her to make up the work.  Then you can present it to the administration and teachers.  It is often easier for people to help if you can work out the details and present it to them.

Your school counselor does not sound helpful.  Does the school have a psychologist?  Most schools or districts have one.  That is the person who might be more helpful and could be included.

You and your daughter have already been through a lot.  It is great that you are helping her advocate for herself.

If your daughter had been severely physically ill--say on a ventilator in a hospital--would she really have been expected to make up all the material in such a short time?  I would think the school would recognize she was in a weakened physical state on her return and would adjust the time period.  But she is in a weakened state--it is just that it is on the inside where they can't see it.  So you are going to have to help them.

You initially contacted the coordinator and the school counselor, and you haven't gotten results.  You might need to elevate this and rattle some cages.  Like the prinicpal, the vice principal, the school psychologist, the school superintendent, etc.  The people who can really make things happen.  I would start emailing, calling, requesting meetings.  It is just ridiculous that your daughter is suffering because of this problem that is easily fixed.
 

[Sancho]

Hi Snow Snow
I am not sure what the content of the letter that the school already has so am a bit in the dark here. I don't think the crisis plan is something the school needs.

What you need is something very specific that relates to the testing of material that dd had missed. So it should be a specific request perhaps something like:

'xxx has been under my care and in hospital for a period xxx. During this time she has been unable to attend classes and therefore has missed content/explanation in a variety of subjects.  xxxx is particularly concerned in relation to having missed classes for the subject (xxxx) and the fact that she was required to be examined shortly after this period.

This has had considerable impact on her anxiety and stress levels and general health. It is my medical opinion that consideration should be given to allowing xxxx to resit the test at a later time when she has had the opportunity to absorb and review content.

It is my opinion that this is in the best interests of xxx and I hope you will allow this accommodation for xxx which is quite reasonable given the circumstance.'

As I say I am in the dark a bit as to specifics, but if a doctor asked specifically for what you want and put it as a medical need, I think they should be legally obliged to allow that.

[Snow Snow]

The hospital letter states as the following(I crossed out the names and date):
xxx was admitted to x Residential Treatment Program on (date)
and was discharged from x Residential Treatment Program on (date)

xxx may benefit from increased accommodations at this time to assist her with
making up work and re-integrating into her academics.

If there are any questions, please call (clinician's phone number)

[Aralia]

Snow Snow could you call the clinician and explain the situation and get a letter with stronger wording that makes clear she needs extra time to complete the work? It sounds like they gave you a form letter to bring to the school. Also does your school have a psychologist or is there one for the district? If so, can you call and put the clinician in touch with the school psychoogist? Lastly, is this a very big high school? I am trying to understand why the school counselor is so unhelpful. If the school psychologist can't help you then I really think you need to go in and meet with the principal.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Snow Snow]

It is a big high school, no school psychologist but  two social workers probably due to budget issue. But new principle has psychology background.

When my D transition back to school, it has an extra layer of transition team.  Counselor doesn't involved much in this 1 month. I requested to the coordinator extra time before exam, but no response or not granted at that time. D has to take the exam and the result of course is terrible. Daughter requested more time to retake the exam -- rejected by her teacher.  

Counselor read emails from this science teacher during our 5min parent teacher conference,  "D didn't go to teacher office hour" " D requests retake because she saw the bad grade". " D shut down after the rejection which is not supposed to be like this"...    All the blame to D...Counselor then said we need to respect how teacher operates the classroom and he is not worried about my daughter's grade...

I could connect hospital staff with school social worker. The difficult part is that the exam already happened.  The key accommodation she needs is extra time which was not given at that time.  My D felt all the blame and stress from this environment.  I will contact counselor again, or even contact principle per your suggestion.   Thank you all

[Aralia]

I am sorry you and your daughter are going through this. It is hard enough to deal without this extra layer of unhelpfulness from the school.

[Sancho]

Okay so if that is what was in the letter it is not good at all that the school have not allowed the accommodations.

I would contact the clinician mentioned, explain that the school have not responded at all, dd's anxiety level about this is not good and ask if they would phone the school, draft another letter with stronger wording or what else could they suggest that would help in this situation.

Not good that the school ignored the content of this letter - for no apparent reason! I cannot understand why they would refuse the request to delay the test.

[SaltyDawg]

When my D was hospitalized for a different mental health issue in middle school for a few months a few years back, we had a fantastic guidance counselor which coordinated with her principle and teachers and her grades were not affected and there was minimal impact at school.  I know this is not the case for you, and my heart goes out to you, sending virtual hugs.

I would suggest to escalate the situation to the local school board for that school (county/parish level), and/or state school board, and/or an attorney, and optionally the media.  Perhaps consider contacting one or more politicians (most are Narcissists and will jump at the opportunity to get involved in this kind of 'feel good' stuff -- as it will bolster their own campaign, a win-win scenario for you and them.

Be sure to do your homework, and obtain copies of the official written policies of the school system, and use their own words against them.  Hopefully I don't sound like a narcissist; however, knowing the fine-print of their [school and county school system] own rules, is ultra-successful on other battles that I have done with county government not related to schooling.  They will write the rules to comply with federal law; however, they may not follow their own rules [for a variety of reasons] and the school would be hard pressed not to follow their own rules once they are presented to them from their own documentation.

In order to make this even more effective, I am going to suggest a manipulation tactic -- contact your school one more time, and strongly allude that you will likely escalate by asking them a very simple, but vague question "Do I need to escalate this with the county or state?" [without giving specifics; if pressed, list everything from the previous paragraph, so they know you mean business as in some districts the county board are useless; hopefully not yours] if appropriate action is not taken regarding this situation -- give them a reasonable deadline [I'm thinking 2 or 3 days, long enough to make a decision, but not long enough to come up with a plan that blocks what you want to accomplish].  Keep them guessing on who you are going to escalate the situation to.  If they don't act in your child's best interest, follow through on your threat [if you are not prepared to follow through, don't do this].  Repeat as necessary; however, do be aware you will encounter more and more red tape the higher you go, with the exception of the media coverage and/or politicians -- do request they keep it anonymous if you go that route -- if they indicate they would prefer not to keep it anonymous, you may want to reconsider enlisting that entities' assistance.

[kells76]

Hi Snow Snow;

Kudos to you for standing up for your D's needs. It's so much more difficult than it should be, trying to work with schools and get accommodations not only on paper but in reality.

Many great suggestions from the group here. I'll add this link to the Wrightslaw Special Education Law and Advocacy site. It's not only for supporting kids with "traditional" SPED needs, but also has info about IEPs, 504 plans, advocacy, accommodations, FAQs like "How to Deal with a Hostile Environment at School", etc. LOTS of information about the legal side of getting your child's needs met in school.

Hope it helps;

kells76

[Snow Snow]

Thank you all for your advice!
Sancho, I sent the request to the hospital psychologist. She is willing to call our high school clinician to communicate. But the school clinician(social worker) is in the transition team and knows my request. She suggests me to talk to counselor.

I spent past two days searching internet for educational advocates and called several law firms(special education lawyers) and two advocates. Two law firms called me back. There are issues with this approach:  Lawyers in bigger  law firms  take longer time to return calls and may not understand BPD patients. The first lawyer told me to focus on the future special education need and plan for that. I think he is not willing to spend much time with this issue.  The second law firm called me and left a message. I haven't talked to this law firm yet.  

If I could find an advocate or a lawyer who understands BPD and is willing to spend time on it then it would be much smoother to move forward.

Thank you SaltyDawg and Kells76. I am reading through your message and the website link you posted.

[superld]

If your daughter is diagnosed for BPD or Major Depression, which are long-term issues, I strongly suggest that you request an IEP eval and a plan. Don't waste your time with a 504. Teachers don't pay attention to them. With an IEP, there is a legal requirement for the school district to do a psychological assessment and present a special educational plan within 2 months; otherwise, the district will expose themself to liability/lawsuit. FYI. Law firms usually gets involved once an IEP plan is presented and seem in appropriate or not presented at all (after the 2 months deadline).
Example of letter to request IEP: https://lanterman.ca.networkofcare.org/dd/library/article.aspx?id=531
Do it by email and letter.
FYI. D kids are ashamed of their situation and don't want to be labeled via 504/IEP. This is normal; But as parents, there is a point when we have to intervene for safety reasons. One way to approach the issue with your teen is to tell her that there are many kids with 504/IEP plan right now, especially after the pandemic.

[Snow Snow]

Thank you superld for your advice!

I just recovered from sickness. Delayed, but still working on it.  More calls this coming week to find advocates/lawyers. Tomorrow I will meet with school counselor.

Any suggestions regarding how to respond to teacher's   comments(the background info: D hospitalized and missed 3 weeks of school. 10 days after resuming school she had to take the science test which she wasn't ready).

Teacher: "She wants to retake test because she saw she got bad 70ish grade. She just want to retake for better grade. "

My daughter's stress level from this science is so high that I see her binge eating symptoms coming.

Tomorrow we will talk about 504/IEP plans as well. Our D's psychologist from the residential hospital wrote to the counselor through email "I agree that you should move forward with attempting to secure formal academic accommodations for xxx ASAP. In our session yesterday, she shared examples of mental health struggles that impact her school functioning. I strongly support xxx being evaluated for a formal academic plan. Please let me know if you need any further information or a letter explicitly stating my support."    I hope to get some 504/IEP soon.

[SaltyDawg]

SnowSnow,

   Download the student handbook for your school, if they don't have one go to the county/parish.

   I do know that where I live students are allowed to take these tests late for medical reasons [legal absence], and if it is a re-take, it is their score minus up to 10% [teacher's discretion, so a 100% score would become a 90%, and A- versus an A+] -- find out the rules for the particular school.   If you cannot find it, talk to the teacher, and find out how the 70% score is weighted overall in the grand scheme of things, if she is still getting an "A" in the class even with the score - change your tact and offer it up as a life lesson and indicate if all of her next scores are high, it won't affect your letter grade -- this will also serve as a distraction for your D so she will make sure that she will still get a good grade in the class.  If your D is anything like my D, it would not affect her overall letter grade for that marking period.  It is very important that your D sees that you are advocating for her, and validating her feelings -- openly tell her what you are doing, unless it upsets your daughter, your D needs all the support that she can get.

   Hold the attorney's name in your back-pocket [as you don't want to create an adversarial conflict with the school, unless your daughter's interest still isn't being recognized by the system]; however, if you do find the written policy on it, and if they refuse to follow their policy, then, and only then, 'mutter under your breath, a sigh of exasperation', or saying it while deliberately writing it down in front of them with your finger quoting their exact policy (loud enough so they can hear it) "...another thing to discuss with my attorney, failure to follow their own written policy because their written policy is '______'"  Give them enough time to realize the error of their ways, and if they are faced with this prospect, they may change and comply with their written policy.  Try to have the P or VP there as well.  If they offer up a reason why they cannot write it down as a "quote" in front of them.

   In the meantime, don't forget about your DD, make sure you are getting her adequate therapy, and that the T knows about the binge eating is that is considered a form of self-harm on the same level of cutting.

   I also apologize, as I am not familiar enough with 504/IEP, to offer up any constructive advise/suggestions in this area.

[SaltyDawg]

Example of letter to request IEP: https://lanterman.ca.networkofcare.org/dd/library/article.aspx?id=531

This is an excellent link and has excellent advice too.  Thanks for sharing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Snow Snow]

Thank you SaltyDawg for your advice. Thanks everyone who gave me advice.
It was a good talk yesterday. Counselor is going to help us. I will update  asap when I get time.

[SaltyDawg]

Excellent news.  Please keep us updated on how it progresses. 

[Snow Snow]

Thank you all. I will try to keep posts short for easier reading. What I learned:  Many schools' SEPAC websites have lists of special education lawyers and advocates. My DD's psychiatrist requests her hospital 'resource specialist' to help me.  Eventually I found  this advocate  who is  a self-employed special education lawyer.  She is very helpful.


The first point we present to school is:  My DD's disability impact her ability to access school education.  She should have appropriate education at her level.  second: We request accommodations, not for grade but for mental health. The  wrightslaw website is very helpful and have many good articles. It is very important to talk to school with some of their "language".

 I didn't bother to mention my lawyer's name per advice. School counselor would give my DD  fail/pass option for the first quarter and will try the same for the second quarter. For now my DD will have 504. We are communicating our advocate regarding IEP and monitor DD progress.

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you for updating, and advocating for your DD.