Seeking Diagnosis For Daughter In Frustration

[Nonamama]

Hello, My daughter is in need of accepting and getting a diagnosis.  She is high functioning which I believe creates a screen for medical providers to not diagnose accurately.  Wanting to hear how parents navigate the care of a BPD adult child.  What helps, what makes symptoms worse.  Is it best for us to support her to live on her own or do we keep her home with us?  Pros and cons?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

High functioning BPD's are usually not diagnosed.

Research has shown approximately 5.8% of the general population meet the criteria to be diagnosed as BPD; however, the actual number is closer to 1.4%, or about 1/4 are actually diagnosed of those diagnosable.

There is a stigma to being diagnosed as BPD, so most clinicians won't do it unless it is required by insurance, or there is an act of violence such as a suicide attempt.  Even then, they need to be of a certain age before it will even be considered, as the personality in a mind doesn't stop developing until +/- 25 years of age.  Also the symptoms of BPD can be a number of different disorders and/or comorbidities that can masquerade as BPD -- it requires a trained clinician to make an official diagnosis, and even then they might not be correct.

That said, the best tool that I have found, for an 'unofficial' assessment of someone you love is BPD and/or NPD can be found in the following book:  Stop Walking on Eggshells [3rd edition] by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

[kells76]

Hello nonamama, I want to join SaltyDawg in welcoming you to the group.

We understand the desire for loved ones to not only receive, but also accept, as you mentioned, a diagnosis, as we so want them to heal and grow.

It can be challenging when the loved one is an adult. Is your daughter a very young adult (like age 18), in a range still on your insurance (18-...25, I think?), or older (25+)? Does she live at home with you still?

I'm sure your D has many unique traits beyond "just" BPD, so that can make figuring out the best thing to do be a very individual thing. It might or might not look like what other parents are doing. The good thing, though, is that this group gets it, that "boilerplate" doesn't always cut it. For example, some interventions or approaches can work better with a pwBPD with a very strong ethical/moral sense, even though it might be a less recommended intervention. Her individual motivations may be good info for you to think about as you ponder what's best not only for her, but for you. As you read through threads here, you'll find parents who can "make it work" to have their adult BPD child live at home with them, and other parents who have had to involve law enforcement to remove a violent adult BPD child. So, there is a broad range.

Is your D working or in school right now? Can she hold down a job?

Also, do you tend to be her target (for blame, rage, venting, other), or is it someone/something else?

I'll wrap it up here as we wait to hear back from you. Again, so glad you reached out for help.

-kells76