Threats of divorce reappear

[snowglobe]

Undiagnosed bipolar + bpd husband is threatening divorce after several years of remission. The ssri’s have stopped working. He has been running during the period of Covid, and I was running after him. Bored with his life over the course of the pandemic, he was mostly sulking and semi-depressed. So I was trying to entertain him and keep him engaged with life by constantly travelling from country to country. For the most part our kids came along, since the school was under virtual format. Now that they are fully in person we go on the trips just the two of us, while my live in parents stay home and care for them. The trips are relatively short7-30 days at the maximum. To add to the post Covid inability to adapt, ubpdh was severely affected my the military conflict appearing in the Eastern Europe. He belongs to the country and origin of the aggressor, choosing to adhere to that narrative and listen to shameless nationalistic propaganda of their media. Our current home country became his enemy, with things from government system to the value system (intolerance for lgbtq+, women’s rights, etc) being western propaganda he no longer adheres to. Once the war began, he has been obsessing over the victory of his home country (reflects narcissism? Kin cohesion? Who knows). Regularly expressed his desire to go as the volunteer to contribute to military operation. I have been trying to talk him out of it, but this “sect mentality” overtook him. He split with his business partner of almost 20 years, based on them being on 2 sides of the military operation. He rationalized that they have different views in regards to how to run the business, however in reality he kicked his partner out of our house for supporting the defending country. As you can imagine that completely unhinged him. Without any connections to our home country, other then the kids and the house he began regularly speak about his desire to move out of our country. Our kids don’t want to relocate, oldest d19 is at university, living at home. Youngest s15 has developmental disability and is going through rough period of puberty. Ubpdh demands to sell matrimonial home for crypto, take the money and move, to live between several countries such as Mexico and UAE, while living off rental property income he plans to squire with the money we would have from sale. I am not moving. I am not abandoning my d19 to chase after ubpdh. I am not moving to the country that doesn’t support women’s rights. Several days ago we went on the business trip to open up a business in another country. Crypto that we were living off of for several years has taken the nose dive. He is depressed and disregulated. This feels like a mixed episode. He is high on energy and very angry. There are only 2 topics he brings up in the conversation 1. Him rooting for his home country” to punish the western colonizers” and 2. About his desire to permanently leave the country we currently reside it. Today I wasn’t able to navigate out of this minefield, so I snapped “I’m not living my kids. You sold the previous home, that didn’t make you happy. You terminated your relationship with your business partner, that didn’t make you happy. Now you want me to sell my home and leave my 19 year old behind to chase after some values I don’t agree with.” He immediately replied “i’m done with you, I want a divorce. I’m not happy.” I said that I will not continue this conversation, it’s nonsense, patten, you love me one day and you don’t the other day. He kept on repeating and insisting. As much as I try to detach, I feel angry hot tears coming up. He self sabotaged our entire lives, and I run around trying to save this marriage. For me, for the kids, for the values I believe in. I rationalize that his mental Illness is causing this behaviour. However it doesn’t excuse it. Being with him is like watching Kanye west. We also went though his periods of anti- semitism as you remember from previous years. Now it’s western propaganda with consumerism and faulty values and morals. I am so hurt. I am angry. I am helpless. I am afraid. I am confused. I feel lost.

[Notwendy]

It's good that you had some relatively calmer time with your H but even with management, he is still disordered. Everyone has their own ways of coping with stress and his ways of coping are disordered ones. I think it's reasonable that the disordered behaviors would be more prominent during stressful times.

Covid has been stressful for everyone and it's known that there is an increase in mental health issues connected to the pandemic. Add to that the Russia/Ukraine conflict and the impact of that on the world, especially the NATO countries, and your husband's emotional connection to that.

I'm not excusing his behaviors, they are disordered and troublesome- but also they are similar to how he's behaved before: threatening divorce, being irrational with money, making demands on you to move. It's been said that Kanye has bipolar as well, so there could be similarities between your husband's behavior and Kanye when in their "manic" stages.

The question is- what can you do? You can't change your H's disordered thinking. You also know that giving into his demands doesn't solve his issues- buying a new home may have placated him temporarily, but it isn't a solution. Your H's focus on these things as the solution for him is misplaced. If these issues had a material solution, then Kanye would not have mental health struggles because he is successful and has the means to purchase things he likes. Not having financial struggles helps ( as that is another stressor ) but it doesn't change the interpersonal issues.

I think it comes down to boundaries. Arguing that you aren't going to move your home isn't likely to help. The boundary would be to refuse to sign any agreement to sell your home or buy one. He might threaten divorce- you deal with it if he acts on it. If he gets a lawyer, you get one too. Don't sign any papers unless you have dealt with this legally. If he really did run off to join the military, there's not much you can do about that- it's his decision but realistically- it's a big leap from saying it to doing it. Threats don't have any meaning unless he takes action. Otherwise he is just talking.

The other thing you can do is take care of you. I hope you have access to some money to protect yourself if he does follow through with his Crypto ideas- he's been involved with this kind of thing before. Of course you are angry- how can you take care of you? Are you seeing a T? You have a lot of resilience and now have a degree. Your kids are older now. You are in a better place to look out for you. Although you may not want him to end the marriage- if he actually followed through on that, you're in a position to be able to earn a living, maybe not as the same economic level- but you would not be in complete financial dire straits. You can't "fix" your H, but since you are staying married to him, you can refocus on you, and your children's needs, and protecting yourselves from his decisions. Truly, in any marriage, each partner could potentially leave if they chose to. It's hard to know if he would do that, but your task is to protect yourself and your children as much as possible from that decision.

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with everything Notwendy wrote.

You’ve been wishing, hoping, soothing, massaging, doing everything you can think of to get him to return to the *prince charming* who rescued you twenty years ago. Nothing has worked beyond a momentary reprieve from the madness.

Truly ask yourself, would divorce be such a bad thing?

What would life without this craziness be like for you and your children?

[ForeverDad]

It's good that you had some relatively calmer time with your H but even with management, he is still disordered...

The question is- what can you do? You can't change your H's disordered thinking. You also know that giving into his demands doesn't solve his issues- buying a new home may have placated him temporarily, but it isn't a solution. Your H's focus on these things as the solution for him is misplaced...

I think it comes down to boundaries. Arguing that you aren't going to move your home isn't likely to help. The boundary would be to refuse to sign any agreement to sell your home or buy one. He might threaten divorce- you deal with it if he acts on it. If he gets a lawyer, you get one too. Don't sign any papers unless you have dealt with this legally...

The other thing you can do is take care of you.

If you were writing an outline that's what I would emphasize.

Truly ask yourself, would divorce be such a bad thing?

What would life without this craziness be like for you and your children?

I could not picture my marriage ending in divorce.  No way.  Not ever.  I hid a lot of the cursing during the rants and rages.  But just like the frog in the warming water, I didn't jump out.  I appeased, I tried logic and reasoning, I tried being super calm.  Over time nothing worked.  As it got worse and worse I even sought counseling for us.  That really failed miserably.

Eventually it reached the point of no return after 15 years.  Either I could salvage me and my parenting... or not.

BPD can have a spectrum of severity.  Some of us can manage to wade through the discord and changeableness when not too severe.  (FormFlier is a member who comes to mind, he's managed his marriage - so far.)  However, the typical pattern is it gets worse over time and the various strategies that worked previously no longer work.

I did divorce to save myself and my parenting, but not for lack of trying.  You've tried too.  Whatever you decide going forward, whether by his decisions or yours, please protect yourself (legally, financially, emotionally, etc) and your children.

[15years]

Living in one of the countries now applying for membership in NATO, I know how emotionally stressful this military conflict has been. It's probably hard for him to hear the harsh words about his home country, it might feel like a part of him is being rejected by the western countries. Part of his identity, his nationality, is very unpopular right now.

But your life sounds too stressful to be a realistic way to live. My own relationship feels impossible to live with, does it feel like that for you too?

[snowglobe]

Hello everyone, thank you for your replies. I was in the country that was putting up some firewall to block the access to this site. I read and Re-read your messages carefully. Yes, I am reacting to the hypothetical scenario, which may or may not happen. His threats temporarily stopped, as I mindfully avoid jedaing. You are correct about strong identification with his home country. It seems that the news and cancel culture have a direct impact on his fragile ego, so he actively looks for a place to belong. I’m burned out by this constant effort to try and keep the boat from rocking. As NotWendy mentioned, kids are older now. If he were to leave, I wouldn’t be left in a state of destitute unable to provide for them. He did do a lot of positive things within our marriage. Opportunity for higher education is one of them. I will have no debt and a degree  to care for myself and the kids. Perhaps it’s my ego getting bruised and old attachment wounds opening when I hear that he wants out. Feeling not good enough. Feeling like a failure, despite very best efforts.

[snowglobe]

It's good that you had some relatively calmer time with your H but even with management, he is still disordered. Everyone has their own ways of coping with stress and his ways of coping are disordered ones. I think it's reasonable that the disordered behaviors would be more prominent during stressful times.

Covid has been stressful for everyone and it's known that there is an increase in mental health issues connected to the pandemic. Add to that the Russia/Ukraine conflict and the impact of that on the world, especially the NATO countries, and your husband's emotional connection to that.

I'm not excusing his behaviors, they are disordered and troublesome- but also they are similar to how he's behaved before: threatening divorce, being irrational with money, making demands on you to move. It's been said that Kanye has bipolar as well, so there could be similarities between your husband's behavior and Kanye when in their "manic" stages.

The question is- what can you do? You can't change your H's disordered thinking. You also know that giving into his demands doesn't solve his issues- buying a new home may have placated him temporarily, but it isn't a solution. Your H's focus on these things as the solution for him is misplaced. If these issues had a material solution, then Kanye would not have mental health struggles because he is successful and has the means to purchase things he likes. Not having financial struggles helps ( as that is another stressor ) but it doesn't change the interpersonal issues.

I think it comes down to boundaries. Arguing that you aren't going to move your home isn't likely to help. The boundary would be to refuse to sign any agreement to sell your home or buy one. He might threaten divorce- you deal with it if he acts on it. If he gets a lawyer, you get one too. Don't sign any papers unless you have dealt with this legally. If he really did run off to join the military, there's not much you can do about that- it's his decision but realistically- it's a big leap from saying it to doing it. Threats don't have any meaning unless he takes action. Otherwise he is just talking.

The other thing you can do is take care of you. I hope you have access to some money to protect yourself if he does follow through with his Crypto ideas- he's been involved with this kind of thing before. Of course you are angry- how can you take care of you? Are you seeing a T? You have a lot of resilience and now have a degree. Your kids are older now. You are in a better place to look out for you. Although you may not want him to end the marriage- if he actually followed through on that, you're in a position to be able to earn a living, maybe not as the same economic level- but you would not be in complete financial dire straits. You can't "fix" your H, but since you are staying married to him, you can refocus on you, and your children's needs, and protecting yourselves from his decisions. Truly, in any marriage, each partner could potentially leave if they chose to. It's hard to know if he would do that, but your task is to protect yourself and your children as much as possible from that decision.

@NotWendy,
Thank you for the sobering recap. This sounds logical and feasible plan, in case he does something. Like Kanye, I do anticipate sh$t storm coming if I ever were to pull the trigger on the relationship. The large grade harassment, smear campaign and simultaneous take me back pleas. I know that my now adult daughter can separate from it emotionally, albeit not easily. My youngest with disability is the concern if this is were to arise (based on previous incidents the likelihood risk assessment is 99%). In September I got hired for internship placement for this upcoming January at the clinic. Under the umbrella supervision I will also have access to mental health services. Now, I’m not entirely comfortable discussing my husband’s condition with the work place. Their primary role is safekeeping of the clients, and thus addressing any of the mental health challenges I might have. It is my fear that if my workplace knew the extent and severity of the situation I operate it, they would determine that I wouldn’t be able to be effective at my job.