Support and not rescue?

[Sunny123]

Hi, I have an adult daughter, 23, with bpd. She moved out of state and after a month starting having roommate problems, etc. She is in AA. She looked into sober living, which she was opposed to before and said she did not need, which I think is true, but when it was discovered it would be rent free she wanted to do it. Insurance won't cover it so it's not going to work out. Up until this she said she was doing great,things working well, going to meetings etc. Now that she sees she will have to pay rent either where she is or anither place, she is saying that she hasn't been doing well, needs to be in a program etc. I'm trying not to rescue or problem solve but still be supportive. Any suggestions? I feel a storm brewing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Sunny 123
It is common in my experience for BPD folk to go well for a short period in a new situation. Some people describe it as rapid cycling bipolar - which is what it looks like with my dd -new situation, energy, trying to keep up with everything. Then crash.

When your dd says she needs to be in a program, what does she mean? A program for bpd?

Also has the flatmate left - and is this the core problem ie that dd will need to pay the whole rent for the place?

You feel a storm brewing and it sounds as though you are right. If flatmate has left, the anxiety around that will be huge and set off other symptoms.

There are so many opinions on support versus enabling. Because every situation is different I think you should back yourself as to what role you should play for your dd in this situation. Because she has moved recently - huge change - it might be good to give a lot of support at this point and taper off as she becomes settled etc.

Journeying with a bpd child is such a challenge, but I think each one of us is in the best position to look at the range of options available and which is the best one for our own child.

I hope the threat of the storm is easing and you can work with dd to stabilise things.

[Couscous]

Sunny 123, from what you have said it does look suspiciously like she's seeking a Rescuer right now... Have you tried Al-Anon? It really should be called Rescuers Anonymous IMHO.   If you can find a well established meeting, and get a sponsor, you might find it very helpful. There is also SMART Recovery and they have meetings for friends and family members too, as another option.

You also may be interested in this book: https://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Daughter-Has-BPD/dp/1626259569

All the best to you.