Advice appreciated

[Dogsncats73]

I posted before about my daughter who felt I did not do enough for her birthday (she is in her early 40’s and this was not a milestone birthday). My husband and rest of the family witnessed my attempts to do all I could for her party from a geographic distance and they also saw the over the top reaction when she informed me I fell short. She told me I was toxic and that she didn’t want contact with me. My husband texted her to check in and she told him she got Covid and did I know. She wanted to know why I haven’t reached out to express my concern. I have blocked her on my phone and on social media. This most recent episode with her has emotionally gutted me as I have finally accepted she will probably always have this emotional dysregulation and each time I “take her back” it’s just a matter of a few months before there will be another upset. My husband thinks I should reach out via text and let her know that I hope she gets better soon. I feel this will not serve her well as it just repeats this dysfunctional cycle between us. However, I’m feeling guilty because I’m her mom and although she has recovered she believes she is suffering from long Covid. I’m interested in any helpful advice from this kind community. Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Dogsncats1973
Your post really highlights the dilemma faced by parents of BPD children - even those children who are middle aged themselves. There is a recent post by Couscous which includes  an opinion of a psychiatrist that these patterns will continue and the best option is to make the break. The heading of the post is 'Why it is important to detach with love' I think.

  have thought about Couscous' post quite a bit - and I think 'detaching with love' is a really good thing, but what that means will be different for each person.

In my case 'detachment' hasn't meant cutting off all contact. It means that I have stepped back - most of the time - from any emotional response to my dd's tirades and expectations.

You probably knew beforehand hat no matter how hard you tried for the birthday, it would never be enough. It is likely that this sort of response will continue. So I think your decision will be about what is the best way for YOU to 'detach'.

One option is continuing with the blocking - ie cutting off contact with your dd either for a considerable length of time or permanently. You probably can predict the consequences of you doing this because you know your dd.

Another option is the way I 'detach'. I have more or less decided in what way I will support my dd - a room here if she needs a roof over her head and some financial support. I haven't blocked her but I don't respond to any abusive text - I just let it drift past me, even though these posts can be horrendous.

It has been a long journey for me to become emotionally detached and occasionally I still find myself distressed by her words or actions - but these occasions are not frequent now.

So in answer to your query re advice my opinion is that you should detach from your dd, but HOW you do this depends on what is the best way for you to do this.

If you are not sure perhaps you can try out different ways to see what is the best way for you - not your dd, best for you.

I hope you will post again if you want to explore your options a bit more.

[Dogsncats73]

Thank you for your reply. It helps so much for me to know there are other parents who have experienced this type of emotional pain and difficult decisions. Have a nice Holiday Season!