Need help getting rid of my angst and knowing how to help adult child

[Glad I Found You]

I have recently learned about BPD and believe my adult child has it. How I wish I would have known about this when she was younger. I seem to be the outlet for any frustration that she feels. Can do nothing right and am responsible for all of her life's problems. She is not physical, but very volatile and can be harsh and mean and unreasonable and change from hateful to loving in fairly short order, etc. I am human, so have made mistakes as a parent for sure. I never know what a trigger for her anger will be -- and the triggers can change. Just need to know how to respond in a way that is helpful and does not exacerbate struggle or make things worse for her, how to not take outbursts personally, how to be a good example, how to do what is best for our family to be as healthy as possible, how to (to the extent possible) help her. She is happily married and has amazing children. Have another married child -- and several grandchildren. Family relationships between siblings are very strained (my fault, of course). My uneducated responses have likely contributed to the outbursts that I have been on the receiving end from. To make things worse, my personality is such that I tend to try to make things peaceful and get issues resolved. And that seems to be a huge trigger - and, at a minimum, makes things worse. I also have a hard time not letting her outbursts affect me -- ongoing. I recognize that is unhealthy and the angst I feel from it can make me lose my appetite and be miserable (depressed). We had a really tough holiday. And, of course, most anything I did was insufficient, inadequate, hurtful, wrong, etc. I also tend to accept the blame and try to figure out how I can do things better so that her life will not be as miserable. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Couscous]

Welcome to the forum.  

Unfortunately there isn’t anything you can actually do to help your adult daughter with her emotional problems. While there are techniques you can use to that might improve your relationship, these will not heal your D. Ultimately she is going to have to help herself.

But you can do something about your angst, and what stands out to me is how much self-blame you are engaging in. This could be the root cause of your angst. As a recovering self-blamer, your post reminded me of this very good article that may resonate with you:

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/its-all-my-fault-self-blame.htm

[Glad I Found You]

Thank you so much. Your response was spot on. I read the article -- and will be re-reading it and praying that it helps me reprogram my thinking to a more healthy response. I recognize that this is not instant and will take some work. Thank you again - and I am hopefully on the journey of a "recovering" self-blamer, as well. Glad I Found You!