Self doubt, excessive self blame.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I've recently detached from not 1, not 2, but 3 relationships where they were Narcissistic or at least had traits like that. 2/3 I think had BPD.

First, my online sex interest/friend, then my neighbor/friend, and most recently my Dad. This has all happened in the span of 4 months. Sound unlikely? Kind of is, but at the same time, if I was raised in a home with this stuff, it's quite normalized. I'm used to being codependent. I've been through a relationship like this before, was with a girl who had BPD for 10 years, and thought I grew out of it. I've become more independent and gained a stronger sense of self.

Basically one revelation and research lead to the next revelation and more research. So what I'm dealing with from detaching from these 2 friendships and the relationship with my Dad is every time I detach, I feel guilty for not caring about what they're going through (I do, but I don't focus on it, because I can't do anything about it) and focusing on myself, I feel ugly, ashamed, used, manipulated, and betrayed, abused, etc. And I also feel so much self doubt, like way more than normal.

It's kind of like all their abuse tactics are finally catching up to me, the gaslighting, that leads to the self doubt, projection that causes me to blame myself excessively and excuse their behavior, the being extra kind at certain moments to suck me back in, causing me to feel obligated. It's all coming to roost, and honestly, it's pretty crippling.

What do you all do, to deal with it? I'm trying really hard to not buy into it, but god it really messes with me.

[Couscous]

It doesn’t have to cripple you. I recommend SMART Recovery meetings, and Adult Children of Alcoholics. They all have meetings over Zoom, and it’s free of charge.

[yellowbutterfly]

Read about FOG... I found this concept very helpful

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

[NarcsEverywhere]

Thanks for the suggestions and info!

Well, the thing is, I know it's FOG, I know it's BS, I've been through it before, and post relationship, I learned all about this and really learned to love myself, and over the years have developed a strong sense of self. I'm just so surprised it's wrecking me this hard, especially when I spoke up for myself so many times, especially to my Dad.

I'll reread about it though. The best solution I've found is to really throw myself into life, proving to myself that I can do things. Proving to myself that I can interact with people well. I feel like I'm having an existential crisis. I suppose I am a bit, grounding myself helps though.

[yellowbutterfly]

YOU CAN DO THINGS and you will be ok!