The unacknowledged hurt the BPD inflicted on you

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/tag/talionic-revenge/

Absolutely riveting exposé that underscores just what a tortuous experience it’s been for all of us.

Thanks for sharing this, as it’s invaluable.

[Augustine]

https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/tag/talionic-revenge/

Absolutely riveting exposé that underscores just what a tortuous experience it’s been for all of us.

Thanks for sharing this, as it’s invaluable.

[capecodling]

capecodling, I'd be curious to learn more about where you're at with this.

Kells, thanks for checking back.  I have noticed a big improvement over the last few weeks.  I’m still pretty wrecked in the mornings still, but by early afternoon I start to feel better, often ending up feeling excellent by the evening.

I still ruminate on my ex a fair amount, but there is a lot more space around it, like she has moved from the front and center of my attention to somewhere closer to the edges.  In the 7 stages of grief, this feels like the beginning of stage 5 (the upward turn.)

From the internet: Darby Faubion, RN, describes that in this phase, “although loss is felt still, it is not as difficult to manage the symptoms. Individuals tend to feel more hopeful about life and begin to find some measure of peace related to the loss.“

Its hard to say exactly what helped me out so much because I am doing so many different things at once to try to integrate the experience of a BPD relationship and all of its terribly painful, awful, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking consequences.

I have done all of the following specifically aimed at trying to heal the trauma bond, and they all seemed to help:

1) Therapy with a trauma informed therapist who specializes in somatic release (Tim Ferris has a podcast on this type of therapy specifically)

2) Daily meditations including cord-cutting processes from
ex relationship and EFT tapping to release negative emotions and trauma, I use Faster EFT methods but I think any could work.

3) Wim Hof breathwork + continuous breathwork (for Wim
Hof there are good youtube videos and for continuous breath-work it is described in the book “The presence process”)

4) Daily presence practice of 1 hour taking nature walk while listening to “A New Earth”  and “Practicing the Power of Now”. by Eckhart Tolle.

5) Daily gym workout followed by 2 min cold shower or occasionally OCCASIONALLY ice bath

6) Supplementation - i don’t take any prescription medications just supplements from health food store, I take Lithium Orotate as a mood supporter and then from Andrew Huberman to facilitate good sleep I follow the Huberman Sleep Protocol, which is several supplements like magnesium and a few other natural amino acids and plant extracts, you can google it of interested.)

7) Entheogens and Hcllucigens - This is where things start getting controversial, but there are wonderful compounds available for healing trauma, i do one of these around once per month.  Ayahuasca, Mushrooms, DMT, Ketamine, natural plant medicines always done under the supervision of a professional.

8) Meeting new friends, making connections - I don’t enjoy meeting people online (friends or dating apps) but I do enjoy meeting people in person, face to face.  What is especially helpful is learning to push your comfort zone little by little, to the point where you are having experiences that would have been beyond your previous comfort zone.  Its a way of deconditioning yourself of all the bad programming we receive.

[Augustine]

Kells, thanks for checking back.  I have noticed a big improvement over the last few weeks.  I’m still pretty wrecked in the mornings still, but by early afternoon I start to feel better, often ending up feeling excellent by the evening.

I still ruminate on my ex a fair amount, but there is a lot more space around it, like she has moved from the front and center of my attention to somewhere closer to the edges.  In the 7 stages of grief, this feels like the beginning of stage 5 (the upward turn.)

From the internet: Grief expert Darby Faubion, RN, describes that in this phase, “although loss is felt still, it is not as difficult to manage the symptoms. Individuals tend to feel more hopeful about life and begin to find some measure of peace related to the loss.“

Its hard to say exactly what helped me out so much because I am doing so many different things at once to try to integrate the experience of a BPD relationship and all of its terribly painful, awful, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking consequences.

I have done all of the following specifically aimed at trying to heal the trauma bond, and they all seemed to help:

1) Therapy with a trauma informed therapist who specializes in somatic release (Tim Ferris has a podcast on this type of therapy specifically)

2) Daily meditations including cord-cutting processes from
ex relationship and EFT tapping to release negative emotions and trauma, I use Faster EFT methods but I think any could work.

3) Wim Hof breathwork + continuous breathwork (for Wim
Hof there are good youtube videos and for continuous breath-work it is described in the book “The presence process”)

4) Daily presence practice of 1 hour taking nature walk while listening to “A New Earth”  and “Practicing the Power of Now”. by Eckhart Tolle.

5) Daily gym workout followed by 2 min cold shower or occasionally OCCASIONALLY ice bath

6) Supplementation - i don’t take any prescription medications just supplements from health food store, I take Lithium Orotate as a mood supporter and then from Andrew Huberman to facilitate good sleep I follow the Huberman Sleep Protocol, which is several supplements like magnesium and a few other natural amino acids and plant extracts, you can google it of interested.)

7) Entheogens and Hcllucigens - This is where things start getting controversial, but there are wonderful compounds available for healing trauma, i do one of these around once per month.  Ayahuasca, Mushrooms, DMT, Ketamine, natural plant medicines always done under the supervision of a professional.

8) Meeting new friends, making connections - I don’t enjoy meeting people online (friends or dating apps) but I do enjoy meeting people in person, face to face.  What is especially helpful is learning to push your comfort zone little by little, to the point where you are having experiences that would have been beyond your previous comfort zone.  Its a way of deconditioning yourself of all the bad programming we receive.

I don’t believe that you’ll have too much longer to wait before this period in your life becomes a mere dispassionate footnote in your history.

Given your listed efforts, this will occur by definition.

[capecodling]

I don’t believe that you’ll have too much longer to wait before this period in your life becomes a mere dispassionate footnote in your history.

Given your listed efforts, this will occur by definition.

Well I hope you are right.  I think I reached a point, and am there now, where I will pay ANY price to be free of this mess.  I also am doing nofap and noporn, have been completely off porn for around 3.5 years and completely nofap for 6 months, though I do occasionally go on dates, so I’m not being a monk. .   If someone has a way to heal the trauma bond further, I’ll do it, no matter how uncomfortable or difficult or how big of a sacrifice I have to make.

[Augustine]

Well I hope you are right.  I think I reached a point, and am there now, where I will pay ANY price to be free of this mess.  I also am doing nofap and noporn, have been completely off porn for around 3.5 years and completely nofap for 6 months, though I do occasionally go on dates and have sex with women here and there, so I’m not being a monk. .   If someone has a way to heal the trauma bond further, I’ll do it, no matter how uncomfortable or difficult or how big of a sacrifice I have to make.

I quite literally ran from my problems.  I was fortunate to have a local dyke that stretched for 18 seaside km, and was largely unfrequented.  I was never so fit in my life, and just focusing on building the endurance to do 36km really took my mind off my troubles. Lifting heavy at the gym helped ease the strain of it all too. These exertions might just be my penchant for managing things; however, there is a body of scientific literature out there that does endorse the practice of exercise for combatting our internal battles.

[Azrael]

I see that others have made some excellent points so I will not try to cover territory already covered but as a person who left my undiagnosed BPD wife after 15 years - 2 years after leaving her my energy and confidence pre-her have not returned. Same as you I have adopted all sorts of interventions (exercise, meditation, breathing, showers) but I am still having issues working and not falling asleep. And I have working on this with my psychiatrist, therapist etc.

This has been debilitating for me. I almost can't recognize myself. This person is looking for SUPPLY https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202108/the-concept-narcissistic-supply of any kind. Going forward, not looking back is the only way I was able to move on. Still to this day she uses tactics to draw me in, attacking friends, coworkers, family members, using our kids ---- not a way to live. Its hard enough to repair one's self.

 Possibly if you still have to contact her in any way, it will keep doing this effect. There have to be a way of totally cutting up with them to heal. Also, check your hormone levels as the PTSD that BPDs submitt one to, lower the immune and hormonal systems. You might need some supplementation, but the biggest cut to do is in our brains. All those thoughts of what they did all those years are the trauma they caused in us. Is a PTSD reaction.

[Azrael]

Absolutely riveting exposé that underscores just what a tortuous experience it’s been for all of us.

Thanks for sharing this, as it’s invaluable.

 It should be required reading for anyone in a BPD relationship. It helped me to see I was not the only one, and that I was not wrong or crazy. BPDs can do a number in our minds. Even as I had studied psychology at some point, I had to actually go back and reread and remember a lot of stuff, as it was not my main career. The thing is the DSM is only a troubleshooting pattern. It actually does not tell anyone WHICH are the specific behavioral patters involved. This is seen in the clinic, and requires experience. You need to go deeper , like this essay brilliantly explains, to learn the specific behavioral patterns, phrases, lines of thinking, etc. Once you know all these, you can actually observe them and point them out effortlessly in anyone. Im thinking now that possibly I should go back and finish my degree and help others,or at least educate people, bc all this can be avoided when the relationship is starting. It would have saved me years of pain and suffering and financial loses.

[TheRedLion]

“Borderline Personality Disorder is perhaps the greatest paradox in the Analects of human psychology. It’s a disorder that craves love, but it doesn’t understand the meaning of mature love. It’s a disorder that seeks relationships, but it doesn’t grasp the dynamics and limits of healthy relationships. It’s a disorder that yearns for proximity, but it doesn’t trust the sincerity of anyone who gets too close. It’s a disorder that begs others to experience its suffering, but it cannot see that this is the very reason why it continues to suffer. It’s a disorder that desperately seeks liberation from the outside, but it doesn’t realize that transformation comes from within. It’s an existential insecurity that cannot believe in the power of accepting itself, because it was not accepted when it began. It’s an anachronism searching for an idealized form of attachment. It’s desire without a solution and loneliness without resolution. It’s pain and terror cloaked in a bouquet of artificial flowers.”

-https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/tag/talionic-revenge/

Wow. This was… an incredible read. I wish it was formatted better but it hit the nail on the head. No wonder someone who is so paradoxical could destroy the stability of those so stable and caretaking-oriented.

It seems like you’ve been taking great measures to take care of yourself capecoding. For me, getting out of a BPD relationship has felt like a complete reprogramming of my brain, with an understanding that the person I once was is not available anymore. And that’s a good thing. The person who I once was was too innocent, too unaware, too caretaking-oriented, and too much of a people-pleaser. I still have trouble sleeping, have bad moments of swirling thoughts, ruminate, etc. I sometimes even find myself talking to my ex in my head, trying to come up with the most succinct and clear way to tell her what I’ve learned and have been going through. But that stays in my head, and she will never hear it. I have anxiety for the first time in my life, have cried more in the past month and a half than in most years prior, lack professional motivation (never had a problem with that before), and am a lot more distrusting (scared?) of others.

However, I’ve always felt that pain presents an opportunity for growth and development. It seems like you’re taking great steps to grow and develop. I’m trying to do the same. There are still many remnants of who I was before in me, but when I eventually come out of this overwhelming pain and hurt, I’ll have grown in new and unimaginable ways. I want to be proud of the person I am in 5 years, not the person I was years ago before this relationship.  I have no control over the younger me. He made mistakes. But the older me doesn’t have to make those mistakes. He’ll be wiser and better, and I can’t wait to someday meet him (ideally soon…).

[capecodling]

It seems like you’ve been taking great measures to take care of yourself capecoding. For me, getting out of a BPD relationship has felt like a complete reprogramming of my brain, with an understanding that the person I once was is not available anymore. And that’s a good thing. The person who I once was was too innocent, too unaware, too caretaking-oriented, and too much of a people-pleaser. I still have trouble sleeping, have bad moments of swirling thoughts, ruminate, etc. I sometimes even find myself talking to my ex in my head, trying to come up with the most succinct and clear way to tell her what I’ve learned and have been going through. But that stays in my head, and she will never hear it. I have anxiety for the first time in my life, have cried more in the past month and a half than in most years prior, lack professional motivation (never had a problem with that before), and am a lot more distrusting (scared?) of others.

I was having all of the problems you mentioned at the 1.5 month mark.   Now at the 2.5 month mark, some of the problems have lessened somewhat.  The sleep seems have improved measurably, but the ruminations are still pretty persistent.   But I have noticed that I am not ruminating on as many memories of the relationship and the strongest ruminations are not as strong as before.  Before I was also ruminating on what felt like EVERY moment she and I ever had together.  Now it feels like I am just cycling between maybe 2-3 different memories that were the strongest, but the others have dropped off.   And I still have a lot of anger.   I had a massive release of anger / rage in therapy this past week.   I had to go to the gym for 1.5 hours after therapy, and I felt like if anyone entered my personal space I wanted to punch them in the face.  (I would never actually punch someone in reality, but the feeling was there.)  Like more rage than I've ever felt in my life.  Maybe 9/10 or 10/10 anger that lasted for several hours.   But it feels like it was released maybe?

[kells76]

I was having all of the problems you mentioned at the 1.5 month mark.   Now at the 2.5 month mark, some of the problems have lessened somewhat.  The sleep seems have improved measurably, but the ruminations are still pretty persistent.   But I have noticed that I am not ruminating on as many memories of the relationship and the strongest ruminations are not as strong as before.  Before I was also ruminating on what felt like EVERY moment she and I ever had together.  Now it feels like I am just cycling between maybe 2-3 different memories that were the strongest, but the others have dropped off.   And I still have a lot of anger.   I had a massive release of anger / rage in therapy this past week.   I had to go to the gym for 1.5 hours after therapy, and I felt like if anyone entered my personal space I wanted to punch them in the face.  (I would never actually punch someone in reality, but the feeling was there.)  Like more rage than I've ever felt in my life.  Maybe 9/10 or 10/10 anger that lasted for several hours.   But it feels like it was released maybe?

That's interesting to read. Do you think the rage/anger release is connected to those 2-3 memories?

Really appreciate the updates on your journey.

-kells76

[Augustine]

I was having all of the problems you mentioned at the 1.5 month mark.   Now at the 2.5 month mark, some of the problems have lessened somewhat.  The sleep seems have improved measurably, but the ruminations are still pretty persistent.   But I have noticed that I am not ruminating on as many memories of the relationship and the strongest ruminations are not as strong as before.  Before I was also ruminating on what felt like EVERY moment she and I ever had together.  Now it feels like I am just cycling between maybe 2-3 different memories that were the strongest, but the others have dropped off.   And I still have a lot of anger.   I had a massive release of anger / rage in therapy this past week.   I had to go to the gym for 1.5 hours after therapy, and I felt like if anyone entered my personal space I wanted to punch them in the face.  (I would never actually punch someone in reality, but the feeling was there.)  Like more rage than I've ever felt in my life.  Maybe 9/10 or 10/10 anger that lasted for several hours.   But it feels like it was released maybe?

I’m just two weeks from your mark, and I can empathize.  

Yesterday, I was feeling fantastic, dusting my hands off, and thinking that I was on the final glide slope to a safe emotional landing.

Today I feel like I’ve endured a carpet bombing from a B-52.  

I try to just focus on the bad parts of the relationship, as the good memories are now irrelevant.

Unfortunately, months later, the bad memory flash point is practically zero on my worst days.

I’ve never really warmed to having injustices set upon me, so I still get very, very angry thinking about her, and her atrocious behaviour…on my bad days.

I always cringe at the “Forgive & Forget” crowd when it comes to anger, as it was this same unequivocal pacifism that ushered us into making some fairly fundamental errors in our relationships.

I’m happy to have those wretched memories seared into my soul by anger, as then I’ll not be inclined to repeat the same mistake again.

I can only speak for myself, but I don’t think I’d  bounce back if I ever had the misfortune to endure another experience like the one I exited.  

[capecodling]

That's interesting to read. Do you think the rage/anger release is connected to those 2-3 memories?

Really appreciate the updates on your journey.

-kells76

I think the rage was directed at the emotional mistreatment from my ex, but was not actually about my ex.   I think the trauma bond with her connected me to my past traumas, so --- although it might seem like it is about my ex ---- its more anger from those past traumas which I re-experienced in the relationship with my ex.

My therapist seems to find areas of my body which are storing powerful emotions and help bring awareness to those.   I *think* this is how we release trauma from our bodies.

[capecodling]

I’ve never really warmed to having injustices set upon me, so I still get very, very angry thinking about her, and her atrocious behaviour…on my bad days.

I always cringe at the “Forgive & Forget” crowd when it comes to anger, as it was this same unequivocal pacifism that ushered us into making some fairly fundamental errors in our relationships.

Well I think anger is actually a good place to be, having spent many many months in self-blame and sorrow.   By comparison, anger actually feels good to me.   At the same time, I can see there being a good case for figuring out how to release anger in a healthy way.    Obviously if one were to continue to dwell on anger and remain stuck there for years it could become quite toxic and work against the healing process.    So I would definitely work with that anger if you can, as opposed to over-ruminating on it and letting it slowly poison you over time.   My two cents on your anger.