Legal separation, custody and visitation guidance

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 

I am new to the group. I am 5 years married, we have 2 amazing girls, a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old. My wife and I have gone through a very rough marriage. Mainly because of her undiagnosed high-conflict behaviors. I come with my own set of problems, I am a high functioning (in recovery) addict, I work the 12 steps, and I am starting sex therapy as well. Owning my part - I am no walk in the park, I am aware, and I am working toward my issues.

My own issues have made things worse as I have done things that have hurt my wife, so now there is betrayal trauma going on due to me doing things like: abusing my wife's Adderall in many phases of our marriage, using porn, lying, etc. I felt it was important to own my part in conflict before anything.

My wife has kicked me out of the house a few times, but the last time has been a while ago, back in Step. I came back for a couple of weeks and there was an incident where she threw a fork at me, landed on my forehead, bled, called the cops, and got arrested. When she came back home she did not apologize and said that I premeditated the whole thing to get her arrested... I asked how can I premeditate her from throwing a fork at me... no answer. I decided to leave to my parents so that my two girls could beat their house, and they need their mom.

My wife can be highly functioning when she's not in active high conflict mode, or depressive, isolated mode. In fact, she can be an amazing mom. That said, it's not consistent.

We are not pursuing a legal separation, to begin with, not divorce yet. I am struggling with what is the right call for custody and visitation.

Custody options:

1. She prefers, 50/50 legal custody and 100% her physical custody since the kids live with her
2. I prefer 50/50 both, even if girls live with her

What are the tradeoffs? If I go with 1, it will be a very simple process. If I fight for 2, it will get messy. I want to optimize towards the well-being of my daughters, so here are my concerns:

• We currently have an unofficial visitation agreement, but there have been a couple of times where decides that I should not go visit because of everything I have done in the past
• I am starting to see elevated stress with my oldest daughter, and elevated aggression, if I can't have a stable visitation, things will probably get worse
• My wife says that I am not capable of being alone with my daughters, which is not true, so she is demanding that she is present at every visitation, preventing me from doing things like taking them to the park by myself
• I don't know I understand what I lose with her having 100% physical custody
• She says I can't be trusted because I am a drug addict, pervert, etc, etc... this is her reasoning for saying I don't deserve 50/50 custody
• I am crashing my parent's couch so I don't even have my own place yet, which is limiting, but can I have 50/50 physical custody, not lose some rights, and still just do visitation vs my daughters coming and staying with me? Can that be an interim step, and when I have my own place they can start staying with me

Someone recommended the book Splitting, which I will start getting on today. Please advise if you have some immediate tips or information that can help me. It's really between 1 and 2, knowing that 2 could really press my wife into very unhealthy behaviors, for instance, in the past, she has: taken my work laptop hostage, hid it from me, thrown my phone in the garbage, emailed my therapist (impersonating me) and canceled my session, etc.

Right now she is stable so part of me wants to go with option 1, for now, to keep things peaceful as it allows me to see my daughters, but another part wants to just do what is right regardless of the turmoil. How much more "right" is 2 vs 2, however?

That was a lot in one shot, I hope it made sense.

[CaliGuy]

 

I am new to the group. I am 5 years married, we have 2 amazing girls, a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old. My wife and I have gone through a very rough marriage. Mainly because of her undiagnosed high-conflict behaviors. I come with my own set of problems, I am a high functioning (in recovery) addict, I work the 12 steps, and I am starting sex therapy as well. Owning my part - I am no walk in the park, I am aware, and I am working toward my issues.

My own issues have made things worse as I have done things that have hurt my wife, so now there is betrayal trauma going on due to me doing things like: abusing my wife's Adderall in many phases of our marriage, using porn, lying, etc. I felt it was important to own my part in conflict before anything.

My wife has kicked me out of the house a few times, but the last time has been a while ago, back in Step. I came back for a couple of weeks and there was an incident where she threw a fork at me, landed on my forehead, bled, called the cops, and got arrested. When she came back home she did not apologize and said that I premeditated the whole thing to get her arrested... I asked how can I premeditate her from throwing a fork at me... no answer. I decided to leave to my parents so that my two girls could beat their house, and they need their mom.

My wife can be highly functioning when she's not in active high conflict mode, or depressive, isolated mode. In fact, she can be an amazing mom. That said, it's not consistent.

We are not pursuing a legal separation, to begin with, not divorce yet. I am struggling with what is the right call for custody and visitation.

Custody options:

1. She prefers, 50/50 legal custody and 100% her physical custody since the kids live with her
2. I prefer 50/50 both, even if girls live with her

What are the tradeoffs? If I go with 1, it will be a very simple process. If I fight for 2, it will get messy. I want to optimize towards the well-being of my daughters, so here are my concerns:

• We currently have an unofficial visitation agreement, but there have been a couple of times where decides that I should not go visit because of everything I have done in the past
• I am starting to see elevated stress with my oldest daughter, and elevated aggression, if I can't have a stable visitation, things will probably get worse
• My wife says that I am not capable of being alone with my daughters, which is not true, so she is demanding that she is present at every visitation, preventing me from doing things like taking them to the park by myself
• I don't know I understand what I lose with her having 100% physical custody
• She says I can't be trusted because I am a drug addict, pervert, etc, etc... this is her reasoning for saying I don't deserve 50/50 custody
• I am crashing my parent's couch so I don't even have my own place yet, which is limiting, but can I have 50/50 physical custody, not lose some rights, and still just do visitation vs my daughters coming and staying with me? Can that be an interim step, and when I have my own place they can start staying with me

Someone recommended the book Splitting, which I will start getting on today. Please advise if you have some immediate tips or information that can help me. It's really between 1 and 2, knowing that 2 could really press my wife into very unhealthy behaviors, for instance, in the past, she has: taken my work laptop hostage, hid it from me, thrown my phone in the garbage, emailed my therapist (impersonating me) and canceled my session, etc.

Right now she is stable so part of me wants to go with option 1, for now, to keep things peaceful as it allows me to see my daughters, but another part wants to just do what is right regardless of the turmoil. How much more "right" is 2 vs 2, however?

That was a lot in one shot, I hope it made sense.

[BigOof]

Two things:

1) The biggest red flag I see is "sex therapy" and custody of young girls

2) She's obviously gaslighting you

Was it her idea for you to go into sex therapy?

[CaliGuy]

Interesting observation -- you are on to something.

Yes, it was her idea, and it´s more elaborate from that perspective:

1. Because of the fact that I took her Adderall and I was consuming porn, after she kicked me out in August she started saying I needed to see therapy for abusive husbands.

2. We had arguments where that would end with her screaming at me that I was an abuser, now bare in mind... I have never even yelled at her or even called her a name, where she screamed at me, coursed at me, and called me some pretty inappropriate things in front of the girls.

3. After the fork incident, I figured that if we were going to have any amicability as co-parents, we would need help, so I looked for help at an org called Marriage Recovery, recommended by my wife's betrayal therapist.

4. The therapist there said that before we could do any real couples therapy, I should seek a sex therapy practice that would deal with my issues, plus work with the spouse... found what seems to be a great practice... Willow Tree Counseling.

Now, I am glad you brought this up because sometimes I feel I am being pushed in this particular direction with the sex addiction thing. My substance abuse was for sure a problem, I was a very functional drug user and alcoholic for a very long time. This other bit though, I don't know how to really take it.

Do you think this whole scheme is a very complicated gas-lighting endeavor?

[ForeverDad]

You are being Blamed, no doubt by an expert Blamer.  People with BPD have often been characterized as Blamers.  She is making it appear as bad as you having to be blocked for being a Very Bad Person or a Perp.  (Though she is the one who injuredm you and was arrested.)  Have you not yet spoken with a few prospective family law attorneys?  Mine would have laughed at such at such an absurd claim of viewing things.  That is how much she has influenced you negatively.

I worry that she is setting you up for when she is bold enough to make future official allegations.  Nothing in family court world is worse than DV (even than a mother attacking the father) except child abuse.  I recall my ex eventually even reporting "my son told me..." or "my son was touching his private area..." when making allegations.  So vague but had to be investigated.  When nothing was discovered the conclusion was not "unfounded" but rather the catch-all bucket of weak legalese "unsubstantiated".

If sexy videos and pictures were basis to prevent adults, whether fathers or mothers, from parenting, I venture to say there would be fewer parents parenting out there.  Do you see my point?  Something can be bad or a negative behavior, but the reality is (1) there is no perfect person on the face of the earth today and (2) is it bad enough to block parenting?  No.  As was said a couple thousand years ago, in some books the book of John, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her," and then to her afterward, "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin."  This was said concerning a woman who was doing wrong, more than viewing pictures.  If she could change her life for the better and not have the past held against her, so can you.

One thing I learned in my years in and out of family court, the officials in my area were not very concerned with old history.  When I was detailing the actions of my newly separated spouse, the magistrate stopped me at incidents older than 6 months before we entered the legal circus of filing in family court.  I believe most courts will ignore what it considers minor incidents older than 6 months as "hearsay" or even bickering.  If she complains about some poor actions older than 6 months ago, ask a lawyer whether it should concern or worry you now.

Even if there had been infidelity, which you haven't done while married, courts won't try to rule your sex life.  This is what I've come to conclude:  Your adult life choices, even the ones that may upset or trigger the other parent, typically do not impact your parenting ability or your parenting responsibility in the eyes of the law.

And if you agree to long term visitation restrictions or "supervision" then it will unfairly give the appearance of suspicion.  As long as there are no court orders (such as "temp" orders or final decrees) you have just as much rights as a father as the mother.  The flip side is the undefined rights are just not very enforceable.  When family court does get involved you have to vigorously fight (legally) not to be cast as a perp or even as suspicious.  I too had my separated spouse file allegations for me to be blocked from my preschooler yet at the next hearing two weeks later the CPS person who had quickly assessed me stood up and stated CPS had "no concerns" about me.  Court immediately canceled that part of her complaint and set up a temp parenting schedule.  I fortunately avoided being supervised as though a bad person or one likely to be bad.

Your children need you, moreso if your spouse has mental or behavioral issues.  Do not let your spouse block you from stepping forward and getting as much parenting as possible.  When the children are grown, they will appreciate your efforts.

[BigOof]

This is all an elaborate scheme to ensure you get no custody, have to pay her child support for years, and she holds all the power.

Be a good dad - that's what matters here. Appreciate everything she is saying and doing is all a trap. Stop admitting to problems she's putting into your head.

She sounds like a cult leader who controls Behaivor, Information, Thoughts, and Emotions through intermittent reinforcement. Does this ring true? If she's gaslighting you this bad, she'll do it to the children, too, and you should educate yourself on parental alienation.

The next thing coming down the pike is an allegation of child sexual abuse. Wear a body camera when with your daughters at all times. You need to shoot her credibility down by proving her false allegations are definitively fabricated.

Also, record every interaction you have with her. She'll run her mouth off and it'll be good evidence later on.