fairly warm agreement on LC/NC

[incadove]

 I feel like this is a new positive development and i wanted to share in case its useful or helpful to others

dd had gone fully NC with us, sending a text about past hurts etc and saying she wanted no further contact.  But, I wound up reaching out and she agreed to talk

In an in person conversation I was able to listen to her about the reasons she felt that contacts were not genuine, were manipulative, that she was devalued, and why she wanted to not be in contact.  and i could understand this from her perspective.  we have at times had a very positive relationship so in person it seems like all of the different past comes thru at some level, sometimes.  Anyway we were able to end up at a point, where I could basically say, I understand, and I can respect that, and she wasn't asking me to never be in contact, so I think it ends up as a mutual understanding of low contact - I'll hold back but try to send something thoughtful maybe in a month or two, and not expect more, and I feel much better about it having it be sort of a mutually respectful decision

this might not always be possible, for sure - i feel really fortunate to have been able to have this conversation in this way - but wanted to put it out there as a possibility, that's different than fully mending the relationship and different than a unilateral decision, that sometimes could happen

best wishes to everyone here who is in pain and hoping for something to change for the better

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

That's positive that the two of you could work out a level of contact that worked for you, and do it respectfully. I hope it meant a lot to her that you were able to listen, understand, and respect, without pressure. And, it's good that you could model putting forward some of your own wants and needs -- it wasn't all about you getting 0% and her getting 100%. You wished to be able to reach out occasionally, and were able to have that discussed.

You're right that it's not totally fixing the relationship, yet it's also not that unilateral cutoff. You both are feeling your way to a middle ground, which is hopefully calm and balanced, and works for you two, no matter what anyone else is doing.

Thanks for posting and sharing, that's one of the strengths of this group -- learning what others are doing that works for them.