When to let go?

[Mybestself]

I have a 22 year old daughter living with BPD.  She was diagnosed 6 years ago while she was in therapeutic boarding school.  For years we had her in every type of therapy possible until we ran out of options and along with her therapist felt that we could no longer keep her safe at home, due to her suicide attempts, and decided to send her to therapeutic boarding school.
She has been back in our home town now for almost 4 years.  We have provided her with an apartment because we know it would not make for a healthy environment for any of us including her younger brother and sister if she were to live in our home.  We pay for her housing and groceries, but don't give her any other money. It has continued to be a roller coaster each day.
I am now struggling with how to best support her and not continue to enable.  She doesn't or maybe isn't able to hold a job and refuses to get her drivers license, which makes her all that more dependent upon us.  
She has a lot of resentment toward myself and my husband for "sending her away", which is understandable.  She uses the threat of suicide to try and control us and rages when we try and talk to her about anything.
Our most current issue is that she will not take her meds and go to therapy.  
When is it okay to cut her off and just see what happens unless she is willing to do something for herself?  My biggest fear is that she will be homeless or hurt herself, but what we are doing now is not helping things move forward. I am so tired of working harder than she is to help better her life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

 
When is it okay to cut her off and just see what happens unless she is willing to do something for herself?  

Mybestself, thanks for sharing. What does cutting her off mean to you right now? What would that look like?

[Mybestself]

That is where it gets hard.  At times I just want to kick her out of the apartment and stop supporting her financially in every way, but that is so scary.  She is not resourceful and I fear that would lead to her ending her life.  
I have stopped listening to her rages and verbal abuse.  I either nicely say I am hanging the phone up or walk away.  
I think cutting her off means, not supporting her financially or otherwise until she is ready and will to start dealing with her mental health.  I put her in touch with therapist, which she doesn't follow through with, and make appointments with psychiatrist which she refuses to see.  I feel that we need to remove the "soft place to fall" until she is ready to work as hard as we do to help her.
Her father and I are willing to support her in every way possible and spare no expense as we always have, but for us not to expect more out of her is doing her more harm than good.
When is the right time to truly cut off all financial support?  Is it okay to put her in a situation that I am not sure she can handle and risk her hurting herself?  What other options are there?  

[IMS]

 Hello Mybestself, I'm so sorry you have such a difficult time with your daugher and you're looking for guidance and advice. From what I read you've been great and loving parents, helping her almost unconditionally which consumes so much energy. If you have other children you may even have focused too much on your daughter with MH issues and your work life and marriage might suffer? Letting an adult child go is the last resort and every parent has their own limit how much they take before they become ill themselves. It can also be the most loving thing you can do for her. Her refusal to really take responsibility for her life and illness puts you in an impossible situation, as you say "she is not prepared to work hard on herself but instead makes you work harder and harder until...
I am in a similar position right now and I was forced to go "no contact" and cut financial support too my 29 year old son. His illness started in his late teens and gradually he lost his friends, lost numerous jobs, spent money recklessly that I had given him. Her overdosed many times and was saved by us. There are too many things that happened in the last 10 year, a never ending catalogue of misery, hope, disappointment, sadness, hurt, blame, guilt and grief. I had to stop all support because my adult daughter's and my life were in danger. My heart is bleeding, sorrow is my companion. It took so much counselling and guidance until last week I made that decision. When you have done everything to the point of complete exhaustion and nothing has helped, then it's time to look at other options. When your help doesn't help Professionals need to step in, however you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. She may accept help once you stop helping and perhaps this is the only way forward. My counsellor told me this: The definition of insanity is when you as parents keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result. Maybe it's time to sit back and reflect on other options.
I will be thinking of you and hope you can find a way forward that will bring about change for all of you. God bless. IMS

[incadove]

Hi *MyBestSelf* that sounds so heart-wrenching, truly a difficult decision

I have not been in that level but when I was at the end of my rope a few times, what helped me most from doing anything too extreme was to find ways to make small consequences so that there can be a more managable tension

Are there small things you provide that you can modify based on her behavior?  The easiest may be wifi access, since you can just change the password without an open conflict.  If you buy groceries do you get the shampoos and conditioner she wants etc?  There is a book that I didn't like all that much but it was helpful, that kind of said to make everything earned, no freebies.  Then try to find very very small steps that you think she might be able to be successful at - even if it starts with taking out the trash once a week, anything as long as its a step forward from where she is now

If you can see progress even if it is tiny baby steps you may feel more positive about continuing to support her progress - and see that it is slow so it might take a while but keep pressing it in the right direciton

You could provide a somewhat less comfortable 'room and board' - can you make it as absolutely minimal as possible?  Making food is nice of course and some ways you can make her feel loved that aren't conditional is fine - but take away any and all luxuries, don't give her rides, etc, unless she earns them - you can make a chart even so she can feel in control and know how to earn - she will probably rebel and run off for a bit when you start this, but there you go she will be doing things on her own

Expect acting out.  get her a bicycle if the streets are safe nearby, don't drive her anywhere.  let her bike.  let her rage and get mad and go out and do whatever she can to help herself, and let her know if there are specific behaviors (drug use etc) that you will actually kick her out for

Then be very adult and respectful of her when talking to her, and just very matter of fact - when you have done x I'll be happy to give you a ride/give you the wifi password/buy that hair stuff etc.

She probably wont' do x!  but she will be motivated to do *something*, and in a smaller way than total rejection

And then if you choose to like make nice dinners for her whether she wants/earns them or not you have an area to express unconditional love without necessarily giving her all the things

Don't give her rides anywhere except to psych appts unless she earns them

Anyway that's my advice, to help you feel more in control of your own side of things, and just leave it to her to make some small progress or find her own way.  Good luck

[incadove]

Oh I didn't read carefully that she's in her own apt - but I think the same thing applies - also you could make her responsible for one bill and let the electricity go off if she doesn't pay it - let her earn it from you if she wants. 

[Couscous]

You absolutely should not be working harder than she is. Since you may have inadvertently trained her to underfunction though, I would highly recommend that you consult a systems trained family counselor before you make any big moves. If you have been overfunctioning for her she may not currently possess the needed skills to lead an independent life.