Okay, So I'm pissed.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I feel so angry, that my Dad, has done so many things, that cross my boundaries, even when I'm doing poorly. That he neglects really important stuff, and doesn't respond at all, and then when I take charge of the situation and get assertive, or sometimes bossy, he then does random stuff that's the opposite, just to have control of the situation. Like, he basically neglected the dogs, just to control the situation, because I urged him to do stuff, because their well being matters. Any hint at control, and he will do completely immoral things, just to have control, it's really sick.

My ex-girlfriend with BPD was the same way. If you have any sort of reasonable expectations, they'll do the opposite just to have control. Almost not caring who they screw over. It's not even a matter of if you're controlling or not, it's just perceived control. I've had to lower my standards into the gutter, just to keep the peace, and on top of that, he's been using all sorts of manipulation tactics to get me to do so, and to escape responsibility for his actions.

It's all really sick, it's disgusting. I don't expect people to be capable of everything I am, or do exactly what I say, but, come on, at least be an honest actor. At least don't do immoral crap, just to have control. I just feel so freaking angry.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I feel so angry, that he'd intentionally or unintentionally run into me, when my back was hurt, causing extreme pain, acknowledge it, and keep doing what he's doing, and maybe even smiling? I can't remember for sure. I feel so angry, that he'd take me to the hospital with an injured back, and snap over small things and drive the car crazy (hurting my back). I feel so angry, that he'd use gaslighting and shame tactics on me, to get me to do what he wants, or just because he felt invalidated or something, and he did it when I was injured too.

I feel so angry that he'd talk mockily to me when I tried to climb a ladder, when I was scared of it, and I had to tell him to be quiet 3 times, which put me in freaking danger.

I actually see his side of things, he's older, has issues and I've sometimes been too demanding, or pushy. But almost exclusively about stuff that is absolutely essential, or life and death. I see how my issues affect him, and that can definitely wear on him. I've always been trying to work on that stuff.

But I really feel he's sabotaged me so damned much, that of course my issues are wearing on him, he's amplified or created half of them! I know my issues and my life are my responsibility, but come on, when you're intentionally screwing someone over, then playing the victim about it, that's not right. I know I need to work on being more independent, and finding ways to burden him less, if he can't handle it, that's fair. I know, I've been too pushy, because of anxiety before, and I've been working on that for years. I know, I need to work on how I relate to him, and no one person is completely to blame in a relationship.

That being said, his behavior is straight up abusive, and has poor intentions behind it, at least most of my poor behavior, was misguided execution, with good intentions. I just feel so angry. And the worst part is, when I told my sister stuff, she just equates both of our behavior, and invalidates me. Like, blame is not equal in life, responsibility is not equal. You want to apply appropriate responsibility and blame, not slanted to be "fair".

At the end of the day, I get it, who would want to believe this crap about her Dad? I know I do bare some responsibility, I'm not oblivious to that. This stuff is all so isolating. But I'm reaching out. And my counselor seems to be an honest voice, a voice of reason in the midst of all this crazy crap, so I'm grateful for that.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Narcs,

It really is so very sad that we've had parents that have hurt us and traumatized us. The wounds go so deep. I find in particular that the strange form of confusion that the control brings in us is a particular awful spiral. The questions of "why" and "how can they do this" and "don't they see what they're doing" have all been some of what I have asked too.

I think for a controller to admit to any wrong doing is to admit to weakness and thus stepping out of control, which they cannot do. I've had to see it for what it is, like you are.

Keep processing!

 
Wools

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Woolspinner2000,

Yeah, it definitely causes a lot of disbelief, when you realize how pervasive it is. I mean, I realized and dealt with a lot of instances of it, even in a mature, and healthy way, in my adulthood, but I realized it's all so much worse, than I could have ever imagined. The thing is, if any of their tricks work on you, even one time, especially the more abusive ones, it screws you up.

I actually have spotted and called out so much of it, but they just wear you down, and use smoke and mirrors, until you're vulnerable and give in, out of fatigue. This is why walking away is gonna be such an important strategy in the future, for dealing with conflict with my Dad. Because, staying, and trying to convince him, when he wants to manipulate, isn't going to ever work. You can't force a person to be fair, and rational, when they want to be in denial, or screw with you.

The funny thing is, these "controllers", are actually the most out of control people I've known, and with my Dad it's like, I apologized for being too controlling sometimes, and I mentioned in passing, that he could be controlling too, and he had a "What? Innocent old me, controlling?" attitude... .

Thanks, I'll keep posting and processing, appreciate your response.

[Mommydoc]

I just feel so angry. And the worst part is, when I told my sister stuff, she just equates both of our behavior, and invalidates me. Like, blame is not equal in life, responsibility is not equal.

It sounds like a very difficult situation NarcsEverywhere. It sound like you have every reason to be angry and I am glad you are able to express and vent it here.   For a long time, I suppressed my anger, because expressing it towards my sister wBPD made it worse.  I also wasn’t really comfortable with anger and didn’t know how to manage it constructively.  Out of a desire to not be like my family members with anger management issues, I would suppress it.  I am glad you have a good therapist to work through this with.   I have learned to lean in and embrace my anger, to acknowledge it, feel it, express/vent  it in safe places(which does not include towards my sister wBPD), and to use it to motivate me to make changes/ take actions that are self protective and allow me to meet my needs.  Your sister though well intentioned, may not be the person to vent to at this point.  She may be feeling in the middle, or have another set of emotions about this situation that she is working on herself.  Maybe stick to your counselor, this forum or others who you feel are more neutral and able to let you vent safely. 

walking away is gonna be such an important strategy in the future, for dealing with conflict with my Dad. Because, staying, and trying to convince him, when he wants to manipulate, isn't going to ever work. You can't force a person to be fair, and rational, when they want to be in denial, or screw with you.

I am  happy to hear you are thinking about actions you can take to refocus your attention on yourself and away from your Dad.   It sounds like you are contemplating “ walking away” in the future.   What does that look like to you and how does it feel when you say it.   I encourage you to explore this further with your therapist and think about what you can do today to help you with how you might begin that journey.   Wishing you luck. 

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Mommydoc,

Well, I am pretty comfortable with anger normally. But I have let it loose on my Dad recently, telling him how appalled I am by some of the things he's done, and told him I'm not putting up with being treated poorly, when I'm struggling and vulnerable. This caused his behavior to get worse, so it's not very productive. So, anyways, I have even told him I feel anger, even towards him, but that I am working through it. I haven't told him any details. But lately, I have been vocalizing the anger, by ranting out loud, and I don't really want him to hear me, so I don't do it as often as I'd like.

Yeah, my sister is a terrible person to talk to about it, so I'm not going to. If I ever talk to her again about it, I want to really think it through, and have myself together more, and have worked through the pain of it, to have a clearer picture about it all. And be prepared to have her argue and invalidate me.

I do need to focus less on my Dad, but it's hard when you're working through pain about him, and feel triggered, and are trying to notice when he's being manipulative or not. To me, it's just like, if he doesn't want to make sense, and wants to keep projecting and guilt tripping, or gaslighting, then I'm going to leave the room, not buy into it.

Thanks for your response.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I feel so disgusted today, by my Dad's behavior, I feel so angry. I just can't comprehend, how you'd want to manipulate, shame, abuse and neglect people when they're down, just because you feel a sense of power over them? It seems so sick.

If that's "love", then I don't want any. I don't even expect a lot from people, if people lost their temper and yelled at me, or broke something, that'd suck, but at least it'd be honest. The dishonesty of it all, is disturbing. It's hard not to jump to worse and worse conclusions, but I'm stopping myself this time around. Still, seems sick to me.

I know there's another side to him too, I've seen it many times. It's hard to reconcile it all. I even know his upbringing was terrible, so I get how he's screwed up. But I've grown a lot as a person, and I mostly treat him fairly, and with respect, and he still does this.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hey NarcsEverywhere,

Just thinking back on the previous thread, have you found some exit strategies yet? Like go for walks or moving furniture to you room so you can have more me-time away from your father, in your safe space?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey, Riv3rW0lf

I mean, I'm starting to walk, and lay in my bed more, but I get pretty burnt out, and am forced in the living room, and it's kind of important for the pets, to be out there sometimes, so I'm going to try to balance it. I mainly try to work through the anger away from him, and then deal with him when necessary, or when I am feeling better. I can only handle so much progress though, like I can only make changes at a moderate or slow pace, especially with all the emotional stuff I am working through.

But yeah, I might eventually move the chair that works for my back best, into my room, but I'm avoidant of that, because of the pets. I also have some plans, if I did get injured again, to get someone else to care for me. I'm not letting him care for me again.

Thanks for asking. It's like in the short term, my mental health is most important, but in the long term, getting away is important. I think reaching out here helps, too. Even just to connect or vent to people, about it all.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, it's really hard to be around my Dad right now, even walking past him triggers me, and I feel anger. I'm finding comfort in my own room finally, and can rest and be vulnerable more, so I think this is for the best.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I feel so angry tonight. I'm thinking back when I talked to my sister, and it really bothers me that she blames me for his abuse? Like somehow my issues, rise to the level of where it was somehow understandable for what he's done to me?

NO, sorry but harassing and shaming someone when they are nervous about being on a ladder, is never okay.

Neglecting animals because you don't like feeling "controlled" is never okay.

Flipping out on someone when they are injured, and driving the car erratically, and hurting that very injury TWICE, is never okay.

Getting all angry at a dog, nearly on his deathbed, when he's very sensitive to it, is never okay.

Running into my back when it was injured, acknowledging that he did it, causing obvious excruciating pain, and ignoring it and never apologizing, and maybe even smiling? (I can't remember) is never okay.

Gaslighting someone is never okay, especially when they are injured and vulnerable.

Blaming and shaming someone for something you do, especially when they are injured is never okay.

It's just all not okay, it's not understandable, nothing here justifies it, it's abusive, dishonest, manipulative, cruel, and sick, and the fact that she made it seem like a "both" sides thing, when I'm doing nothing of the sorts. Screw that.

I knew when I reached out to her, it might turn out like that, because she's been given a false narrative, and because she's not gonna wanna believe he's as crappy as he is. He had so many other options than do those things, and he chose not to do them, it's not my freaking responsibility. Anyways, I of course know not to reach out to her again, at least until I'm doing much better, and ready to deal with it. Still, I can't help but feel pissed, that I've been through all that, and her response was that.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I feel so angry, I dunno, I realized some other stuff last night, like how he buys me fake, plant based stuff that I don't even like. Part of me finds it funny, because it seems so petty, but it still upsets me. The other one is I turned off the lights to go to sleep, and then it seems like he turned some of them back on for no reason? I dunno, I just feel off kilter, he also seems to be up at night, when I'm up at night, he gives up control so poorly. He doesn't like that I'm becoming more empowered, it's fine though. I'm stronger than him, I have a heart, and a discerning mind that will carry me far.

I mainly still feel so angry that he would treat me how he did when I was injured, it all seems beyond disgusting, and it's hard to deal with, and it's hard for me to feel safe feeling a lot of this anger around him, but I need to. I fall into some hardcore depression when I suppress it. I just find it all so disgusting, I can't believe he's been screwing with me for this long, screwed with me in crisis after crisis, and probably screwed with my mom too, which ultimately probably contributed to her death. It's just so sick. What is wrong with people? I wish I had an easy way out, but I don't. I need to express this somewhere, so I'm doing it here.

I plan on calling my counselor sometime to talk to him.

[NarcsEverywhere]

It's just so disgusting for a person to abuse the vulnerable, when they are at their weakest, it's pathetic, and cruel, and sad. I feel so angry, that my Dad is like this. I can't believe he's done crap like this, I mean, really, screwing with a persons head and completely abandoning them, until they have a mental breakdown, when they have a severe injury. Hurting a persons back when they are injured, with no regard, and probably even intentionally, disgusting. I can't believe he would act like this.

I can't believe he would screw with me, when I was busting my butt for the family and screw over a very old dog, just for some power trip. I can't believe he would probably do some of this type of crap to my mom when she was sick, and she died, probably a lot to do with his behavior, but the truth is, I'll never know. But his track record is so bad, I wouldn't be surprised.

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, I went for a walk today, and being away from Dad caused me to realize why the agoraphobia is so bad. When I'd go out with him, if I forgot one little thing and we had to drive a block or less back, he'd snap about it, and drive the car aggressively. Then once I was going to the store, he would bulldoze me verbally, and resist me setting boundaries. Then when I'd walk on guard, he'd make fun of me for it, saying how ridiculous I looked. Then when I felt like a nervous wreck and asked him to be close to me in the store, he'd abandon me.

Another thing is he trained me to be so codependent that when I'd walk, if someone was in trouble, and I was unable to help, because of the agoraphobia, then I'd feel guilty and scared to go out, for fear of not being able to help. One time I even asked him to help. Notice a pattern here? He dehumanizes me, stokes my anxieties, then shames me for having trouble, then I look to him to rescue me.

It's just all so sick, I can't believe this has been happening to me for so long, I thought I just had so many of my own issues, but his abuse was the main issue. He's such a sick person, I can't believe this is my father. That even when I was being kind and patient, and empathetic with him, he was dismantling me, because some sort of sick power trip, made him feel complete. What a sick person. I feel so sad right now, I wish my sister would believe me, but I'm not strong enough to fight her, to convince her. I'm just not. I need to go through this process more, before I even consider that.

I want to tell my Dad off so badly, but what will happen is that gives him more power over the situation, and makes him more volatile. I'm not doing it. He's isolated me so well, even did it from my sister somehow. I think by not bringing up stuff she was supposed to pay for, causing me to feel financially abandoned (I didn't bring it up, because it was his job to, because I was so busy with dealing with all the stuff from the pets, while he did jack), she was supposed to pay the vets, and somehow convincing her that I was too busy to talk. What a sick person.