He wants to sell our condo

[Sunflower123]

 I got some great advice on here the other day and it definitely helped to calm my BPD partner. Unfortunately, he has decided to tell me today that he will be putting up our condo for sale. He says that living with me is like a prison (he shuts himself in his office during episodes and claims he can't walk around the house).

He told me once again, that for years and years he hasn't wanted to be with me and I wouldn't leave. He told me he's 100% certain that when he comes home from his business trip next week he's having a realtor come in. He told me if I resist and don't cooperate with him he will not offer me any help.

I listened to him and then tried to appease the situation. I told him we don't need to hire lawyers and I want the best for him and don't want to take my half of the condo. I told him that it's best then if I just let him keep the condo and not go to court. He told me he'd help me pay for an apartment and a ticket back to my home country, and co-sign an apartment for me. (I don't trust him). He also told me that he'd take care of our cats and fly to bring them to me at a later time.

I'm trying to delay this because I feel like he's having another episode. This is how it usually goes, but this time it feels much more serious. I also suspect (but not sure) that there may be some third party involved. I heard him talking to a female about this situation at midnight two nights ago. This is such a mess and I don't know whether he's serious or this is another episode.

It will be a very big deal for me to move with huge expenses so I'm trying to prevent it if possible. He's also trying to rush everything saying I have a month to leave. He's said I should have left years ago so he doesn't feel bad. He has left many times in the past or tried to get me to leave, but then came back begged for me not to go. When he's in an episode he only remembers the him leaving part. 

I really feel like I'm in a tough situation. He is traveling next week for business and will be gone for 4 days. We aren't married, but in a legally binding relationship similar to marriage. We are each entitled to half of the condo and its contents (50/50). I'm sorry if this is all over the place, I'm just trying to process what just happened. He has never actually taken legal action before so it feels much more serious. Is there anything I can do to delay this process? I love him and still want this to work.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

He told me he'd help me pay for an apartment and a ticket back to my home country, and co-sign an apartment for me. (I don't trust him). He also told me that he'd take care of our cats and fly to bring them to me at a later time.

Follow your 'gut' feeling.  Get it in writing.

[...]

I also suspect (but not sure) that there may be some third party involved. I heard him talking to a female about this situation at midnight two nights ago. This is such a mess and I don't know whether he's serious or this is another episode.
If there is another 'woman' in the equation, that is bad for you.  It is a very big mess.  If there is another 'woman' then he is likely very serious as she will be his new 'toy' to play with -- but it could be another episode too - you know your 'man' the best.

[...]

He has left many times in the past or tried to get me to leave, but then came back begged for me not to go. When he's in an episode he only remembers the him leaving part. 

Does he follow this cycle?

Love Bombing --> Devalue --> Discard --> Recycle to Love Bombing

[...]

He has never actually taken legal action before so it feels much more serious. Is there anything I can do to delay this process? I love him and still want this to work.

Hope for the Best, but plan for the worst.

Anything that you can do legally - that will depend on what part of the world you are residing in - laws differ from locale to locale.

Anything that you dan do relationship wise - that will depend on your willingness to communicate with him, and better your relationship and if he is willing to do the same back to you [ reciprocity ].  If there is another woman in his 'love' equation, you need to determine this.  You need to examine your own moral compass, if you can tolerate this arrangement, most can't.

Do do some self-care, do talk to your therapist [if you have one, if not get one].  To help you sort through all of this, and proceed accordingly.

Take care of yourself.

[Bella2798]

So much alike to my partner, even in feelings about me. And I truly understand your feelings, worried about if this is something serious or just another episode. I'm so sorry that you've been through this.

I'm not a good person on advising on legal matters, maybe you can consult with a lawyer to find the best option for you to be safe and also not losing whatever you've gained, either with your partner or material stuff.

I think they rush to get an conclusion, like your partner to make a decision about your flat asap or he'll do himself, or like mine in breaking up without any talks, just doing as his mind says, only to protect themselves from a danger they feel, I don't know what exactly, even though they say we are the ones that hurt them. And when they say something a little rational we may even panic because it may get serious.

Can you leave for some time to someone's place you trust, so he can be alone in your flat and his episode calms down? Because from my experience with my partner, I don't think any rational talk would work, they only think about what they want just like children.

[Cat Familiar]

Sometimes with pwBPD they will make these big pronouncements in order to get positive attention.

“Oh, please don’t go.” “I’ll do anything to fix this.” “I love you so much.” “I won’t make any demands.” “You can have everything.”

This may or may not be one of those times.

What I can tell you, is that placating and negotiating against your better interests will ultimately come back to bite you.

When you placate, you come across as weak and leave yourself open to even more abusive behavior.

You could say, “OK, if that is what you want.” I wouldn’t give away any ground. If you make it too easy for him, what keeps him from just pulling the rug out from under you? And do you really think he will keep his promises to help you? If he thinks he might be in for a legal fight, it might make him think twice.

It sounds like he’s splitting. It could very well be that he completely forgets this entirely after he returns from his business trip. I wouldn’t give it any energy. If he truly doesn’t want you there, why fight it? Make sure you protect your interests and don’t walk away with nothing.

[Sunflower123]

Thanks for your replies. Unfortunately, I don't have anywhere else to stay right now. The reason I told him I would leave without a fight is because in the past when I told him I wanted my half of the condo and was going to see an attorney he had a complete meltdown. When we were in couples therapy, the therapist suggested we see an attorney to split the condo and he ran out screaming and crying and wouldn't come back. That was the end of our therapy too and it was only the 2nd session...

I definitely will not leave without my half, but I'm planning on this as a final resort if I have to. I was hoping that things would return to normal as they usually do. I was hoping to buy some time too in hopes he would split me back to white again.

This time I really feel like he has someone else on the side lined up. I feel that she may live back in his home country. Every night he goes into his office (where he now sleeps) around 12:30am, turns off the lights and pretends to go to bed. He then whispers on the phone to someone in a foreign language for hours until 4 or 5 in the morning. I'm guessing because of the foreign language and the time that maybe it's someone he met when visiting his family over the holidays in his home country. Also, this only started after he came back from this trip.

There was a change at some point when he was gone in the way that he was texting me. And also he said "we need to talk when I come home" towards the end of his trip.

I haven't confronted him yet, but I've come into the room a couple of times talking loudly while he's on the phone. He hides his phone and tells me to leave. I don't think he knows I hear him talking. He asked me again today how "my apartments" are going after I made him soup (because he's feeling sick). He seems to really want me out ASAP.

He sits all day and night in his office with the door mostly closed. He plays games on his computer with online friends when he's not working. That's all he does when he's home. He never even really goes into the other rooms of our house or works on things he should be doing. 

He will be cordial to me, but not have any conversation or real interaction with me. Every once in a while if he doesn't see me long enough, he'll find me wherever I am in the house and ask me something like if I want to order food. 

I saw him looking up real estate agents and also cruises & travel...


Today I also got approved by my health insurance to have some sessions with a new therapist. I'm really overwhelmed with this whole situation and happy to talk to someone about it. I'm so worried about the future because this time it feels like he's not going to "come back". I'm so sad and just wish I could have my best friend back. After all these years I feel like I'm going crazy at this point

Should I confront him about these phone calls? Or do you think it's not worth it? I'm worried it will make him split me further... What's the best way to handle a third-party situation? He clearly wants it to be a secret from me.

[Sunflower123]

Just an update that I now found out he was lying to me about staying with his family for the month. I logged into our old shared hotel booking account and found he had booked a hotel for part of the time hours away from his family's house...

So now I also think he was cheating on me while he was "visiting his family" or at the very least he lied to me about where he was staying.

I'm so devasted, but I'm trying not to say anything for now. I don't even know how to confront him and I'm sure he will have a huge meltdown.

[SaltyDawg]

SunFlower,

   Sorry you have to go through this emotional crap.  His behavior really does seem suspicious.  Even though you cannot understand what he is talking about in a foreign language, I am sure that Google does.  It won't be an exact translation, but it will be close enough to give you a pretty good idea of what is going on.

Also your hotel information about him seeing his family is another country is a .

Right now you need to look out for yourself.  Only you can look out for yourself the best. 

Talk to your therapist, for advice.  Also, talk to an attorney about what you can do to protect your interest in the Condo.  However, do not let him know what you are doing.

Keep it a secret as long as you can.  Also, take photographs of documents, also record him [even if in a different language, use Google to translate].

If he is seeing another woman at this point in time, your goal should be to protect anything you guys have together that he can take from under you - this includes bank accounts and the condo.

I definitely will not leave without my half, but I'm planning on this as a final resort if I have to. I was hoping that things would return to normal as they usually do. I was hoping to buy some time too in hopes he would split me back to white again.
With his behaviors, it does look like you might be out of time.  Start planning, but don't execute until you are absolutely certain.

You must look out for your interests.  "Hope for the Best; but plan for the worst."  Also practice the 7 P's - Proper Prior Planning Prevents Pi$$ Poor Performance.

This time I really feel like he has someone else on the side lined up. I feel that she may live back in his home country. Every night he goes into his office (where he now sleeps) around 12:30am, turns off the lights and pretends to go to bed. He then whispers on the phone to someone in a foreign language for hours until 4 or 5 in the morning. I'm guessing because of the foreign language and the time that maybe it's someone he met when visiting his family over the holidays in his home country. Also, this only started after he came back from this trip.
This is consistent behavior for a 'love interest' beyond friendship.  Typical business calls last an hour or less.  Most are less than 10 minutes.

There was a change at some point when he was gone in the way that he was texting me. And also he said "we need to talk when I come home" towards the end of his trip.
Avoid this 'talk' until you get all of your ducks in a row.

I haven't confronted him yet, but I've come into the room a couple of times talking loudly while he's on the phone. He hides his phone and tells me to leave. I don't think he knows I hear him talking. He asked me again today how "my apartments" are going after I made him soup (because he's feeling sick). He seems to really want me out ASAP.
He/She who moves first loses.  Don't move out.  Talk to an attorney to see what your options are.

Today I also got approved by my health insurance to have some sessions with a new therapist. I'm really overwhelmed with this whole situation and happy to talk to someone about it. I'm so worried about the future because this time it feels like he's not going to "come back". I'm so sad and just wish I could have my best friend back.
Do talk to a therapist, get their opinion. 

Should I confront him about these phone calls? Or do you think it's not worth it? I'm worried it will make him split me further... What's the best way to handle a third-party situation? He clearly wants it to be a secret from me
Follow your 'gut' and plan accordingly - talk to an attorney.

Just an update that I now found out he was lying to me about staying with his family for the month. I logged into our old shared hotel booking account and found he had booked a hotel for part of the time hours away from his family's house...
 

So now I also think he was cheating on me while he was "visiting his family" or at the very least he lied to me about where he was staying.
 

I'm so devastated, but I'm trying not to say anything for now. I don't even know how to confront him and I'm sure he will have a huge meltdown.
Don't confront until you have talked to an attorney, and find out how to protect yourself the best you can. 

Take care.

[NonnyMouse]

Cat Familiar has great advice, as always. Negotiating, placating probably won't achieve what you expect. Just try to let things wash over you, don't bring up any sensitive subjects. There's a high chance that things will be "forgotten." If you bring up these issues then he'll feel obliged to carry through with the threats. PwBPD feel shame to an extraordinary degree, and backing down will be emotionally very painful for him.

[SaltyDawg]

Cat Familiar has great advice, as always. Negotiating, placating probably won't achieve what you expect. Just try to let things wash over you, don't bring up any sensitive subjects. There's a high chance that things will be "forgotten." If you bring up these issues then he'll feel obliged to carry through with the threats. PwBPD feel shame to an extraordinary degree, and backing down will be emotionally very painful for him.

I am going to respectfully disagree here, as there is a high probability that another love interest is in the equation that was not there before.  The dynamic has changed since 'Cat Familiar' has posted.

It sounds like the pwNPD/BPD has a new toy [narcissistic supply], a new play thing, and when a boy has a 'new toy,' the old one gets put aside.  So, yes, she will be 'forgotten' and left out in the cold if she doesn't plan for the worst when the 'new toy' moves in.

If there wasn't a new play thing, then there would have been a high probability that things would be forgotten as both you an cat have suggested.

[Cat Familiar]

Agree with SaltyDawg. His attention is obviously elsewhere. What that means is unknown at this point. An affair when he visited his home country? An emotional affair? A former lover? Someone with whom he’s smitten?

Best to establish and maintain good boundaries. In time you will know more, but now you need to look out for your best interests, as only you can do.

[NonnyMouse]

I don't really think we are disagreeing much. I was in a very similar situation. I kept using the same old BPD tools, she mentioned the other person a few times (the word "love" was used!), I kept cool and never brought up the subject myself. Eventually it fizzled out. Physical distance helped I'm sure.

But never bring up sensitive topics when divorce/separation is on the cards. Work on yourself (boundaries, therapy, lawyers). This is true even in the absence of BPD. But it's even more dangerous when BPD is in the picture, as there will be a tendency for doubling down (to avoid shame).

[SaltyDawg]

After giving this some more thought, taking a 'wait and see' approach may work, even though my personal experience is to the contrary to NonnyMouse, it didn't fizzle out, she looked for more 'supply' after she kicked me out - I recovered some of my stuff when she tried to h-o-o-v-e-r me back in and promptly ended that previous relationship with a uBPD/NPDexgf in the late 1990's.

"Hope and Pray for the Best; however, plan for the worst." is my Mantra and I am sticking with it.

While 'waiting', do plan if things do go south real fast, be able to execute a plan in case that happens.  I have done something very similar in my own current situation.  I have recorded and documented my uBPDw doing some pretty crazy stuff [raging, domestic violence, suicidal ideation, etc.], so if she does follow through on her divorce threats, I will be better prepared now, that I would have been a few months ago.  It will still suck, but at least I won't be totally devastated as I would have been back then and have some kind of game plan in place to deal with an irrational personality.

Take care.

[NonnyMouse]

And don't move out! (Mistake I made in my first long-term relationship, wasn't great for my children.)

Before rediscovering BPD I was taking some other "save your marriage" advice. Not moving out and not discussing things (actions speaking louder than words) were high up on their to-don't list. I've found that there's a big overlap between their advice (nothing at all to do with BPD) and the advice given here, and also very few areas of conflict.

(Having said that, my marriage is still not back to where it should be, but it is moderately stable. Famous last words, perhaps!)

[Sunflower123]

Thank you for all the great advice. I have been watching and waiting. I have decided not to confront him about the affair. He went on a business trip for four days and just now got home.

While he was gone the female who I believe he is talking on the phone with began contacting me on social media, but never saying outright who she is.

She was trying to get my attention by sending me follow requests and vague messages saying "hi" and then deleting her profile several times. Her profile is private, but it says that she's "in love" with my partner in her bio. I'm 100% sure that this is the female. I found out that she is about to turn 23, so she's significantly younger than my partner (He's 35).

I decided to ignore it all.

Before he left I heard him talking to his friends in English and he was saying how that relationship isn't sustainable unless something changes because they just talk on the phone and he can't stay up every night doing that. She lives in his home country which is on a different continent from where we live now.

He also mentioned that he told her he doesn't want a relationship and she got mad at him and said she wants to have kids soon. My heart dropped when I heard all of this...another woman talking about having kids with my partner of all these years? And I'm assuming they just met although I'm still not sure. I feel like nothing is real anymore.

The day before he left he initiated intimacy with me. We didn't end up having sex (and I feel it might be because he's worried about STDs possibly), but this is the first time he's wanting any intimacy with me for the past six months. He also kept hugging me and holding me before he left. For the first time in so many months, I felt that strong bond we used to have. 

I made him a custom shirt for his birthday over the summer and at the time he threw it across the floor and wouldn't look at it. He made it a point to now show me he was wearing it on his trip. I thought things were looking up.

I didn't text him while he was gone for the past four days and he didn't text me either. When he got home tonight I didn't know what to expect. Well, he didn't even give me a hug. It was like the day before he left never happened. He talked to me briefly and politely, but he made it a point to sit on the sofa in his office instead of next to me in the other room. Then I said I was going to bed early and he slammed the door shut and once again he's on the phone (It's midnight here).

I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but this feeling is just indescribable. I feel so sad and don't know how to act anymore. I wish more than anything that I could just tell him the way I really feel and how I want things to go back to the way they used to be... but I know I can't do that. I miss my best friend. Now, he tells everyone but me about his life. The other day, when he was holding me, felt like the best feeling ever, now it's back to feeling like a stranger on the street.   

I'm just venting and trying to wait it out. I'm really feel low and I'm just exhausted in every way possible at this point. If anyone has any other tips I'd be open to trying pretty much anything at this point. He usually wants to get back together with me eventually, but this time is really really different and I'm starting to think maybe it won't happen. Maybe he really just is done.

It feels so bad that someone is saying she's in love with my partner. I'm not sure if he feels the same way, but clearly, he made her feel that way. I'm still worried about what his plans are. He keeps everything a secret from me and only confides in his friends that don't live here. They don't know the truth of the situation and they encourage him to sell our condo and move on from me so he can be happy. They keep asking him if he's looked at any other homes and when is the realtor coming. This obviously isn't helping me and I never know what to expect next. It's wearing me down.

I'm also keeping records of anything I can just in case.

[Sunflower123]

He’s still talking and I can’t sleep because I can hear him.. They talk every night for 4 or 5 hours, sometimes until 6am. My partner has overslept and been late for work on several occasions because of this. He’s not a big phone talker so I’m wondering how he’s keeping this up. There’s a 7 hour time difference so for her it’s much earlier.

[SaltyDawg]

While he was gone the female who I believe he is talking on the phone with began contacting me on social media, but never saying outright who she is.

She was trying to get my attention by sending me follow requests and vague messages saying "hi" and then deleting her profile several times. Her profile is private, but it says that she's "in love" with my partner in her bio. I'm 100% sure that this is the female. I found out that she is about to turn 23, so she's significantly younger than my partner (He's 35).

I'm sure that this is very disturbing to you.


I decided to ignore it all.
If you see flames of a fire outside your window, will you ignore it and let it grow?
I am going to use the analogy of 'flames of passion' your partner has for this woman is is a dozen years younger than you?  He is 12 years older or 50% older than she is.

Before he left I heard him talking to his friends in English and he was saying how that relationship isn't sustainable unless something changes because they just talk on the phone and he can't stay up every night doing that. She lives in his home country which is on a different continent from where we live now.

He also mentioned that he told her he doesn't want a relationship and she got mad at him and said she wants to have kids soon. My heart dropped when I heard all of this...another woman talking about having kids with my partner of all these years? And I'm assuming they just met although I'm still not sure. I feel like nothing is real anymore.

It sounds like he knows that this relationship is not sustainable.  

However in your case, she is likely providing him with some needs that you are likely not providing, which is allowing for an affair to develop.

Since I sense you want to salvage your relationship, I am going to recommend a book to you, that has been around since the 1980's that describes how to build an affair proof marriage and has sold millions of copies in different languages.  The book is called "His Needs, Her Needs," by Willard F. Harley, Jr. and due to the transactional nature of the book, it is probably pretty good when combined with the other communication tools for borderlines to reverse an emotional affair that he is having with her.

The day before he left he initiated intimacy with me. We didn't end up having sex (and I feel it might be because he's worried about STDs possibly), but this is the first time he's wanting any intimacy with me for the past six months. He also kept hugging me and holding me before he left. For the first time in so many months, I felt that strong bond we used to have.  

The need for physical intimacy is also one of the five love languages of physical touch.  I know how you feel, as my wife is rather lacking in that department towards me most of the time.  

If you want to reconnect with him, and you are genuine about it, do what you used to do with him when you first met.

Figure out what your partner found irresistible in you when you guys first met, that you are no longer doing now, and do it.


I made him a custom shirt for his birthday over the summer and at the time he threw it across the floor and wouldn't look at it. He made it a point to now show me he was wearing it on his trip. I thought things were looking up.

This sounds very promising.

I didn't text him while he was gone for the past four days and he didn't text me either. When he got home tonight I didn't know what to expect. Well, he didn't even give me a hug. It was like the day before he left never happened. He talked to me briefly and politely, but he made it a point to sit on the sofa in his office instead of next to me in the other room. Then I said I was going to bed early and he slammed the door shut and once again he's on the phone (It's midnight here).

Communication is very important.  It sounds like she is meeting his need for 'intimate conversation'.  Before he left, your man made an attempt to reconnect physically.  What was your response while he was on this trip?  A man need's his 'ego stroked' and attention given to him by his woman - I know, as a man, that I feel this way, and when I no longer get it, I feel neglected, your man is probably feeling the same way.


I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but this feeling is just indescribable. I feel so sad and don't know how to act anymore. I wish more than anything that I could just tell him the way I really feel and how I want things to go back to the way they used to be... but I know I can't do that. I miss my best friend. Now, he tells everyone but me about his life. The other day, when he was holding me, felt like the best feeling ever, now it's back to feeling like a stranger on the street.

If you want him back, you need to tell him.  He is not a mind reader.  If you want him back, tell him, you want him back.  If you don't he may assume that you don't.  However, be sure to tell him tactfully, and at an appropriate time, as you want him to return to your arms when he might not be so happy with young thing encroaching on your territory.

Both you and him need 'intimate conversation'.  However, it is lacking, he is getting it from the other woman, you are getting yours here.  

When you do talk to him avoid these at all costs [for now] as they are the relationship killers [according to the 'gold' standard of Gottman]:

Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

+Do not criticize him
+Do not induce contempt in your partner with your behavior(s).
+Do not be defensive on what he accuses you of [suck it up for now; however, if and when once effective communication has been re-established for a period of time, then address it some time later when is is open to receive constructive criticism.
+Do not stonewall him [ignoring him, silent treatment, not texting, not talking, etc.]

I'm just venting and trying to wait it out. I'm really feel low and I'm just exhausted in every way possible at this point. If anyone has any other tips I'd be open to trying pretty much anything at this point. He usually wants to get back together with me eventually, but this time is really really different and I'm starting to think maybe it won't happen. Maybe he really just is done.

Waiting for the flames of passion to go out for another is not wise.  You need to rekindle your flames, and make them appear brighter [more desirable] than the other's flames.

That is my tip to you.

It feels so bad that someone is saying she's in love with my partner. I'm not sure if he feels the same way, but clearly, he made her feel that way. I'm still worried about what his plans are. He keeps everything a secret from me and only confides in his friends that don't live here. They don't know the truth of the situation and they encourage him to sell our condo and move on from me so he can be happy. They keep asking him if he's looked at any other homes and when is the realtor coming. This obviously isn't helping me and I never know what to expect next. It's wearing me down.

I know that this is very painful for you.  As difficult as it sounds, you need to come up with a plan to 'win' your 'best friend's' heart back.  I know this is cliche, but Valentine's Day is next week.  Perhaps, use this as the vehicle to express how you feel about him [no mention of the other woman] and make sure your flame for him eclipses hers and his attention is refocused on you.  Drop hints, the way you used to do when you first met him, and let him know how important he is to you [even though he is not doing that for you now].

A word of if his heart is already her's.  It may backfire; however, at least you will know where his heart is with you.  He could have been 'testing' his heart with what you have described above.  However, this 'test' indicates that there is at least a burning ember of passion that was there when he did that.  Hopefully, it is still there, and has not gone out in the past four days.  You are playing with emotional 'fire' and you can get burned; however, you will never know, unless you try.

I'm also keeping records of anything I can just in case.
Also, a very wise move on your part.  Do not let him know, as he will be 'defensive' a relationship killer.  

Hope and Pray for the Best, but plan for the worst.

Take care, and do some self care too.

[Sunflower123]

Thank you so much! I started listening the audio book and it’s already really helpful to see what I can do on my part. My partner once again initiated some cuddling and intimacy with me. This happened several times over the weekend….

But he refused having actual sex, even though he said he wanted to. He ask told me after each time that the cuddling etc. can never happen again. Then he’d initiate it again. I tried to keep things positive and light. 

He told me that he loved me and wants to be with me, but it’s “not fair to me”. I told him I loved him too and I want to be with him. He told me that I deserve better. He told me that we have to stop being intimate because it’s “not right”.

I tried to assure him that I love him and want to be with him. He kept saying that’s what he wants too, but he can’t let it happen and I have to promise I won’t let it happen either…..

I’m still guessing that he may have cheated on me while “visiting his family” last month with the female on the phone. I heard him tell his friends several times now that he doesn’t like her anymore. I haven’t heard him talking to her for a few days now so I’m not sure. I never confronted him about any of it because I figured it wouldn’t last.

He kept expressing his love for me all weekend and being very affectionate with kisses and hugs. This hasn’t happened for many months.

Now today he woke up in a foul mood. He was rude to me in the morning.  Our dryer is leaking and he gets very triggered with this kind of thing for some reason. He had a breakdown when I suggested we have someone look at it. He’s going to take it apart when he gets home…

He is ignoring my texts today. I really want to fix our relationship and put in the effort, but this is hurting me. I’d like to do something for him for Valentine’s, but I feel like it might push him away further. This hot and cold behavior is really making me feel low. I never know what to do anymore.

I understand it’s probably his shame that is causing his reactions, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m trying to do my part, but I feel like he’s playing games with me. We’ve been together for so long and it somehow seems like he’s a stranger I just met.


I thought things were improving… they still could be… but I’m not sure anymore. He’s still sitting in his office 90% of the time when he’s home. He just hides in there. I’m starting to resent him.

It’s difficult to think of the happiness we had and could have… but he chooses this sadness and isolation instead and says it’s better for me.

When he told me he loves me and wants to be with me, but can’t, that just hurt worse. This type of thinking is messing with my mind. I’m not sure how to move forward. 

[Sunflower123]

I have an update. He came home from work and bought dinner to make for us both. He never ever cooks, so I thought that was really different. He started preparing it and casually said with his back toward me that he is going to take off work this Thursday so a realtor can come in. He told me that they would tell him how much the condo is worth and what he needs to fix if he wants to sell it.

I got really upset so I went for a walk. I just told him I'd be back in a bit. I couldn't stop crying.

I got back home and pulled myself together. I feel like he's setting a trap for me and anything I say will make it worse. If he sells our condo I will be homeless temporarily even if I get half of the money from it. What can I do now?

He's also acting like he didn't say anything wrong and doesn't seem to notice I'm visibly upset. He's acting strangely bubbly, talkative, happy, and continuing to make our dinner.

 

[SaltyDawg]

Sunflower,

It definitely sounds like he is genuinely conflicted.  If he is open to your suggestions, you could suggest that he seeks out individual therapy for himself to resolve these issues.  I would suggest individual therapy for you too, if you aren't already doing that for yourself.

At this point in time, don't let him know of your suspicions of him cheating on you, unless you want to end your relationship with him, as you will be critical of him, and he will be defensive towards you and your accusations - the relationship is too fragile for this kind of stress.

Do continue to snuggle, do continue to kiss, even if he doesn't want to have sex.  Tell him how much you miss the good times with him, and reminisce on positive experiences, vacations, trips that you have had with him in the past and look forward to more happy times with him.


But he refused having actual sex, even though he said he wanted to. He ask told me after each time that the cuddling etc. can never happen again. Then he’d initiate it again. I tried to keep things positive and light.

Whenever he says [sex] "can never happen again".  Only if you are 'genuine' about reconnecting with him; then tell him "I would like for it to happen again".

However, you did mention your concern for STD in your last post, so you must weigh for yourself how much you want to be exposed to, or use a condom.  It is Valentine's Day tomorrow, so, tell him you want to be seduced by him.

He told me that he loved me and wants to be with me, but it’s “not fair to me”. I told him I loved him too and I want to be with him. He told me that I deserve better. He told me that we have to stop being intimate because it’s “not right”.

I tried to assure him that I love him and want to be with him. He kept saying that’s what he wants too, but he can’t let it happen and I have to promise I won’t let it happen either…..

I’m still guessing that he may have cheated on me while “visiting his family” last month with the female on the phone. I heard him tell his friends several times now that he doesn’t like her anymore. I haven’t heard him talking to her for a few days now so I’m not sure. I never confronted him about any of it because I figured it wouldn’t last.

Most affairs do not last.  There is one exception to this rule and that is for high school sweethearts reconnecting when they are already married to others.  Both you overhearing him tell his friends that he doesn't like her any more is good for you.  Also, him not talking to her for a few days, is also a good sign for you.


He kept expressing his love for me all weekend and being very affectionate with kisses and hugs. This hasn’t happened for many months.

Reciprocate, and do the same for him.  Perhaps take the lead, and push extra passion on him, he will either rise to the occasion [no pun intended:love-it:] and reciprocate your passion, or he will shut down with his guilt, so I would suggest incrementally increase the passion.

If he fixates on repeating that 'you deserve better' or it's 'not right'.    Perhaps playfully ask him 'why?'.  However, be prepared for the 'truth', and have a prepared response - if you wish to forgive him if he admits to 'cheating', tell him so - as you may be able to accept that.  However, do not be a push-over, do tell him your honest feelings on the matter, and have a solution that both of you need to go to counseling to 'fix' this, or whatever you think is best for your situation.


Now today he woke up in a foul mood. He was rude to me in the morning.  Our dryer is leaking and he gets very triggered with this kind of thing for some reason. He had a breakdown when I suggested we have someone look at it. He’s going to take it apart when he gets home…

He is ignoring my texts today. I really want to fix our relationship and put in the effort, but this is hurting me. I’d like to do something for him for Valentine’s, but I feel like it might push him away further. This hot and cold behavior is really making me feel low. I never know what to do anymore.

Not every day is going to be a 'good day'.  I know I had two great days with my wife; however, today, it is lousy.  Keep in mind how long it took for your relationship to become 'broken', it will not be fixed overnight.  It will not be like when you first met.  It will take a lot of work on your part, and it will also require him to do some work too. 

Even though, you don't know what to do, I would suggest saying something like "I know you are upset that the dryer broke - I am too, is there anything I can do to help?" If he answer's 'yes' then do as he requests.  If no, get him some refreshment [drink/snack] and tell him, "if you need me just yell/text/etc."  I know it makes more sense to get a repair man; however, if he can fix it, let him, and be supportive of him.

I understand it’s probably his shame that is causing his reactions, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m trying to do my part, but I feel like he’s playing games with me. We’ve been together for so long and it somehow seems like he’s a stranger I just met.

I thought things were improving… they still could be… but I’m not sure anymore. He’s still sitting in his office 90% of the time when he’s home. He just hides in there. I’m starting to resent him.

It’s difficult to think of the happiness we had and could have… but he chooses this sadness and isolation instead and says it’s better for me.

When he told me he loves me and wants to be with me, but can’t, that just hurt worse. This type of thinking is messing with my mind. I’m not sure how to move forward.

I know you are hurting a lot inside.  And you have every right to feel that way.  He too is hurting, otherwise he wouldn't be isolating himself in his office.  Right now you are in a circle of conflict, and that circle needs to be broken.  If he won't break it, it is up to you to break it.  You need to be strong for yourself, and for him.  You need to change what you can change in yourself - you cannot change him, only he can do that.  Hopefully he will become self aware so that he can change himself too.  I know you saw that for the past couple of days he was affectionate, but not today. I find it very ironic, that I have a similar dynamic with my wife too [crazy huh?] where she was affectionate for the past two days, but not today and is irritated with me on how I am disciplining our child.

For me, I have been busy trying to make things right for months, it has not, and will not happen overnight, even though there can be positive things in between.

It is a long hard journey to repair a relationship with a dysfunctional partner, and it will require thinking outside of the box to get it done.  It is possible, but it will have ups and downs.  As long as the ups are better than the downs, it may be worth it.

Remember to do self-care as you need energy to do all of this, and self-care is the best way I find to recharge myself in this situation.

Take Care.

[Sunflower123]

I will continue to try, thank you. It’s really good advice and he is responding well at least with affection.

It does seem like he is conflicted and unfortunately, I heard him again talking on the phone all night after spending some cuddling time with me.

I sent him a little Valentine today and he said I could order some food as a treat from him.

Then he messaged me that he booked two different agents to look at our condo on Thursday, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, so he “can pick” which one he likes better. Then he said it’s just to see how much it’s worth and what he’d need to do to sell it.

But then what is he picking?

I didn’t respond to him yet, I’m trying to think of the best response. Any suggestions?

I really don’t want the agents to come and it sounds serious to me.

[SaltyDawg]

Then he messaged me that he booked two different agents to look at our condo on Thursday, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, so he “can pick” which one he likes better. Then he said it’s just to see how much it’s worth and what he’d need to do to sell it.

But then what is he picking?

I didn’t respond to him yet, I’m trying to think of the best response. Any suggestions?

I really don’t want the agents to come and it sounds serious to me.

It sounds 'serious' to me too and your feelings are very valid - do keep your eyes open.

I really don't know how to respond to that, as it sounds like he has his mind set on it.

My only suggestion, is a 'long shot' or a 'hail mary' and that is to continue being affectionate, and make him think you are the better choice than the 'other woman' without being critical towards him where he might get defensive and hopefully he won't follow through on it.  You cannot control what he does, you only can control what you do.

At the same time follow my previous advice:

Hope for the Best, but plan for the worst.

Do find out what your rights are about this, and have a plan to execute that plan if he does follow through with it.

I know this is incredibly difficult for you, but you are in a very difficult place.

Do self care, and take care.