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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: I found out too late - separated after 20 years  (Read 883 times)
Totally_Anon

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7


« on: January 24, 2023, 02:25:14 AM »

I was with my husband for 20 years and we have 2 school aged children. 6 months ago I told him I couldn't do it anymore as I was exhausted after yet another 'episode'.

Over those years and particularly since our children arrived my husband had a number of what I can only call 'episodes' that seemed to appear every few years. A cluster of smaller events of self harm, suicidal ideation and rage that could last weeks. Over those times he has jumped off a bridge, crashed his car, punched holes in the walls, spent time in the inpatient psych unit and respite care, driven erratically, thrown and broken many things including cellphones, appliances and even a bike and just seemed completely unable to control himself or his emotions. He even had occasions of lashing out at me. He had a diagnosis of ADHD and Depression when I first met him but towards the later years I began to wonder if it was something more and even questioned it with his psychologist. I felt that I was one of the lucky ones, where while my partner had mental health challenges he acknowledged it, he certainly never tried to keep it a secret from anyone, had a therapist and was on medications. However I really noticed things taking a downward spiral again last year. He took himself off his mood stabilising meds without discussing with his psychiatrist or psychologist, would often forget his meds, and even went as far as blaming me for not supervising him taking them. He could never take responsibility for ordering his meds on time either resulting in more missed doses. This was something I set quite firm boundaries with early on even without knowing what I was dealing with. But in saying all of that we still had many good time throughout our relationship and I miss that part of him so much and it really hurts. He could be so kind and caring and thoughtful.

He was diagnosed with BPD after we separated and I felt an instance sense of relief. Relief that I hadn't imagined everything but I am also so devastated that I never got a chance to try 100%. To know if, just maybe, this diagnosis could have been the missing piece that would have allowed us to have our happily ever after. Dreaming maybe, but its that last glimmer of hope I will need to let go of.

Looking back, I thought the main difficulties were these 'episodes' every few years but since reading about BPD I have come to see how much it affected our day to day family life. The unpredictibility, the uncertainty of what may be just around the corner, the walking on eggshells in an attempt to keep the peace. Never knowing if this drop in mood or over-reaction to something was going to spiral into a week long episode or would be over in the blink of an eye.

I am so grateful for others in this group sharing their experiences and hope you all know how amazing it is to sit amongst others who know, when I have felt so alone in all of this for so long.

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BigOof
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Never-ending divorce
Posts: 376



« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2023, 07:04:19 AM »

Hi Totally_Anon,

How are you doing? Are you seeking a divorce? Have you been checked for C-PTSD? What's the custody of the children look like?

Big Off
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Pook075
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married but Separated
Posts: 1040


« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2023, 08:37:08 AM »

I can completely relate to your journey- for me, it was 24 years and an unofficial diagnosis a few months after separating.  Like you, I looked at the big stuff that rarely happened throughout the marriage, only to later realize that it was there every single day in smaller doses pushing us apart, making life more difficult, etc.

Like you, I wonder what I could have done differently.  The answer I came up with is that I could have gone to college to become a psychiatrist.  To do that, I would have to be psychic as well.  So I'd have to be a psychic psychiatrist and my marriage would have been perfect.  However, if I was a psychic psychiatrist, would I have married my BPD wife to begin with?  That's so tough because without her, my kids don't exist and they're my world. 

I guess that's why we're not supposed to play the "what if' game...it's impossible to win.  Don't beat yourself up- the past is in the past and none of us can change it.  There's hope in the future, and you get to decide where that path leads.  Maybe it leads to reconciliation if your husband takes getting help seriously.  Maybe not.  Focus on you though (& the kids) and it will all work out just fine.
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PeteWitsend
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 854


« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2023, 12:38:20 PM »

... But in saying all of that we still had many good time throughout our relationship and I miss that part of him so much and it really hurts. He could be so kind and caring and thoughtful.

...

I see others, typically those "on the fence" here posting similar sentiments about the pwBPD, about how sweet/nice/kind they COULD be...

It would be interesting to see how many Nons would be diagnosed as optimists, or "people pleasers" or something like that (not sure what the formal psychological term for that would be).  I know codependency is one thing.

Of course, NON-disordered people can also be very kind, sweet, and thoughtful, and without all the baggage... So it's revealing we make these comments.  

And only in hindsight, with the benefit of distance, we're like "Why the heck did I put up with all that?"
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SaltyDawg
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Moderately High Conflict Marriage (improving)
Posts: 1239



« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2023, 01:14:58 PM »

Over those years and particularly since our children arrived my husband had a number of what I can only call 'episodes' that seemed to appear every few years. A cluster of smaller events of self harm, suicidal ideation and rage that could last weeks.

He was diagnosed with BPD after we separated and I felt an instance sense of relief.

Looking back, I thought the main difficulties were these 'episodes' every few years but since reading about BPD I have come to see how much it affected our day to day family life.

I strongly suggest getting him re-evaluated.  BPD episodes last anywhere from minutes to a few days, which is consistent with the 5 suspected cases I am very familiar with.  Not years, not weeks.  BPD and Bipolar have very similar traits.  BPD may coexist [comorbidity] with other mental health issues.  I would strongly suggest he is evaluated for Bipolar disorder.  Bipolar can be treated with medications, whereas BPD cannot [other than treating some of the symptoms].
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Totally_Anon

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7


« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2023, 12:33:06 AM »

Hi Totally_Anon,

How are you doing? Are you seeking a divorce? Have you been checked for C-PTSD? What's the custody of the children look like?

Big Off

Hi Big Off,

I've started seeing a therapist who knows quite a lot about BPD which has been incredibly helpful. After I told her everything she said its quite a lot of trauma over the years so I think I will be seeing her for some time to work through it all.

We need to be separated for 2 years before being able to file for divorce but it is definitely heading in that direction. We have already sold our house and I have had no contact with him for 4 months now. He was arrested for assaulting me in front of the children and part of his bail conditions are no contacting me. The assault came after I told him I wanted to separate (we had been living apart for about 8 weeks by this stage) and that I had concerns with him wanting to take the children for a week on his own where he wouldn't discuss with me what he was doing with them. I didn't feel that he was in the right head space to be caring for 2 children on his own because in the few months prior to this he was trespassed from a shop for being aggressive to the staff (with our daughter with him), He was given a written warning for the way he dealt with a customer at work, he had 5 days in respite care with fears of self harm, he had yelled at a neighbour and I had to intervene, I had to return home from work because our son called me and said dad was staring at the wall and wouldn't respond to him, he threw a dishwasher onto the road and after his car keys were taken from him by his mother, he smashed a glass of spare keys as he was frustrated because he couldn't find the right spare key. I slept on the kids bedroom floor for 3 days as they were scared.

I went to see a lawyer as my expwBPD had threatened to take the kids saying they were better off with him than with me and because a lot of this behaviour was documented through callout to the emergency services, police or ambulance and he had been assessed by the crisis team a few times throughout the years my lawyer said there was enough to apply for a without notice parenting order, which means that a judge granted day to day care of our children to me immediately (based solely on my affidavit) while we await to go through the court process. He is required to be supervised while he is with our children and with the help of his parents acting as supervisors he still gets to see them regularly.

We still don't have a court date but it will be a 3 day court hearing which I am extremely anxious about.
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Totally_Anon

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7


« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2023, 12:46:56 AM »

I see others, typically those "on the fence" here posting similar sentiments about the pwBPD, about how sweet/nice/kind they COULD be...

It would be interesting to see how many Nons would be diagnosed as optimists, or "people pleasers" or something like that (not sure what the formal psychological term for that would be).  I know codependency is one thing.

Of course, NON-disordered people can also be very kind, sweet, and thoughtful, and without all the baggage... So it's revealing we make these comments. 

And only in hindsight, with the benefit of distance, we're like "Why the heck did I put up with all that?"

I think that some of my wanting to remember the good times is because of the number of times I have had to justify these behaviours over the years. And in a way these behaviours had been normalised. His parents were very involved in caring for him (know I see it as enabling) and I really looked to them for guidance and I also got to know his psychologist well and I think I just came to the conclusion that maybe it wasn't as bad as I though it was because surely if it was that bad then one of these other people (His parents, his psychologist, his sister) would tell me because they knew everything that had happened. I also think I assumed that they were equally supportive of me and that they would tell me if it was time to leave but I have since realised that this is not the case.
When I started speaking with my therapist she said something to me and it was like a lightbulb went off. She said 'if he was my client then I would be looking around to see who he has around him to support him and I would note that he has a supportive wife so I would make the most of that'. She then said, 'but he is not my client, you are, and Im telling you he is not well and these behaviours are not normal.'  This was when I realised that the big support team that was around us was actually just around him.

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Totally_Anon

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7


« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2023, 12:56:18 AM »

I strongly suggest getting him re-evaluated.  BPD episodes last anywhere from minutes to a few days, which is consistent with the 5 suspected cases I am very familiar with.  Not years, not weeks.  BPD and Bipolar have very similar traits.  BPD may coexist [comorbidity] with other mental health issues.  I would strongly suggest he is evaluated for Bipolar disorder.  Bipolar can be treated with medications, whereas BPD cannot [other than treating some of the symptoms].

After one of his hospital admissions around 10 years ago the psychiatrist did question bipolar but it was ruled out. I can't recall why though. His diagnosis of BPD came after a report was requested by the court to determine custody of the children. It was a really extensive report where they went back over his entire 20 year mental health history including hospital admissions, and interviews with him and his psychologist.
The episodes were short but frequent. So, a few weeks of small incidences followed by months of normality.
Has anyone experienced a misdiagnosis of BPD when it was in fact bi-polar. Would be interesting to know how often this happens.
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Totally_Anon

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7


« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2023, 01:06:46 AM »

I can completely relate to your journey- for me, it was 24 years and an unofficial diagnosis a few months after separating.  Like you, I looked at the big stuff that rarely happened throughout the marriage, only to later realize that it was there every single day in smaller doses pushing us apart, making life more difficult, etc.

Like you, I wonder what I could have done differently.  The answer I came up with is that I could have gone to college to become a psychiatrist.  To do that, I would have to be psychic as well.  So I'd have to be a psychic psychiatrist and my marriage would have been perfect.  However, if I was a psychic psychiatrist, would I have married my BPD wife to begin with?  That's so tough because without her, my kids don't exist and they're my world. 

I guess that's why we're not supposed to play the "what if' game...it's impossible to win.  Don't beat yourself up- the past is in the past and none of us can change it.  There's hope in the future, and you get to decide where that path leads.  Maybe it leads to reconciliation if your husband takes getting help seriously.  Maybe not.  Focus on you though (& the kids) and it will all work out just fine.

What does your situation look like now?
Unfortunately I cannot see any chance of reconciliation due to the fallout from our separation. I always knew it was going to be difficult to leave. This is something that I thought about long and hard every few years after each episode. I'm lucky in that I have a really supportive father who said to me it will be hard if you leave him but it will also be hard, if not harder, to stay with him. There has also been a massive fall out with my in-laws due to me obtaining a without notice parenting order from the court to get custody of the children (just in the interim until we can go through the court process) and I have seen a completely different side to them.
Or maybe its just because I am now 6 months into being on my own and because I now have some distance from the situation, it's allowing me to see it for what it was.
I am hoping that with time it will get easier to let go of the guilt and sadness that I feel.
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SaltyDawg
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Moderately High Conflict Marriage (improving)
Posts: 1239



« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2023, 08:37:58 AM »

After one of his hospital admissions around 10 years ago the psychiatrist did question bipolar but it was ruled out. I can't recall why though. His diagnosis of BPD came after a report was requested by the court to determine custody of the children. It was a really extensive report where they went back over his entire 20 year mental health history including hospital admissions, and interviews with him and his psychologist.
The episodes were short but frequent. So, a few weeks of small incidences followed by months of normality.
Has anyone experienced a misdiagnosis of BPD when it was in fact bi-polar. Would be interesting to know how often this happens.

I also saw the mood stabilizing drug which hinted bipolar, could be a combination, leave that up to the experts.

Misdiagnoses can and do occur; however, it really doesn't matter what label he has.  Whatever he has, only he can do the work to fix himself.  He must both be 'self-aware' that he has issues, and he is willing to address those issues.  Both must be present in order to start the recovery journey for himself. 

What matters is that you recognize that he is a danger to you and your children. 

Only you can take care of yourself and your children.  You only can fix what you have control over, and that is you - do what you need to do in order to fix your situation the best that you can for yourself and your children.

Like you indicated in a different post:
When I started speaking with my therapist she said something to me and it was like a lightbulb went off. She said 'if he was my client then I would be looking around to see who he has around him to support him and I would note that he has a supportive wife so I would make the most of that'. She then said, 'but he is not my client, you are, and Im telling you he is not well and these behaviours are not normal.'  This was when I realised that the big support team that was around us was actually just around him.

You are absolutely right.  Thanks for sharing that observation which just helped me to realize that the couple's therapist who is friends and a colleague of my wife's individual T is also treating it this way.

Take care.  We are here for you.  Ask more questions.  Do self-care.
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ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2023, 02:10:28 PM »

Perhaps Bi-polar was determined to be unlikely after they ran some tests.

There is a difference between Bi-polar and BPD.  Bi-polar indicates a chemical imbalance and can be treated with meds.  While BPD too can be treated with meds, they only moderate the behaviors, long term therapy applied diligently in the person's life and perceptions is needed.
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Mommeredith81
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2023, 02:58:56 PM »

Welcome to this group and I'm glad you got some clarity. My ex has some similar issues and it was hard to leave because I know there was some good inside of him. I didn't stay as long as you. But still I question myself. Still, we are divorced now and the kids are stable. My ex sees a therapist but I never think he'll quite stay on all the meds he needs to.
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