Is there any way to get your partner back?

[Bella2798]

I don't know if I'm allowed to make another topic or not. But I thought this thought I have is too unrelated to write it in my other topic.

I'm now kinda sure that this is another episode of splitting that my partner is going through. We've had a very quick break up from his side and now I'm blocked by only one account.

But I know I can't leave him to himself. Not only because it's a really serious relationship to both of us, but also because he's too alone now and I can't afford any risky behaviors that puts himself in danger.

I'm not the type of person who just lets go of their partner wBPD when they break up because they think they're better off without them, and they're toxic monsters and they deserve more.

I was thinking if there is a way to get him back to relationship or even talking to me so I can take more care of him in this edgy situation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gravity Man]

I would humbly submit that I was once where you are currently at in your thinking.  Your are at one decade with BPD partner.  I am at three decades.  I am hard headed and thought along  your lines for many years ... it nearly destroyed me.  I would like to recommend the attached excerpt from Jordan Peterson.   The crux of it comes at 4:00.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBKo9_P9SmM

[Bella2798]

I would humbly submit that I was once where you are currently at in your thinking.  Your are at one decade with BPD partner.  I am at three decades.  I am hard headed and thought along  your lines for many years ... it nearly destroyed me.  I would like to recommend the attached excerpt from Jordan Peterson.   The crux of it comes at 4:00.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBKo9_P9SmM

Thanks a lot for your answer. Actually I don't see that as an option, at least now. I now that my partner really needs, help, and would accept and appreciate any help offered to him. The problem is that we couldn't actually afford that for years. He's on a waiting list for therapy recently but it takes time, like 5 months. I can't help him that much, I've already started to learn about ways I can help with his BPD as a partner. So that's why I don't want to walk away. I want to make sure he'll be back, so we can continue our path and I can take care of our needs better. I'm willing to accept the caretaker role for him, even if it means hard times for me.

[kells76]

Hello Bella2798, good to hear from you again.

Sounds like right now you are deciding to stay in the relationship and are looking for healthier ways forward (therapy for your partner, education for you).

Have you had a chance yet to check out our article on What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship with someone with BPD?

If not, give it a look, and let us know what resonated with you.

-kells76

[Bella2798]

Hello Bella2798, good to hear from you again.

Sounds like right now you are deciding to stay in the relationship and are looking for healthier ways forward (therapy for your partner, education for you).

Have you had a chance yet to check out our article on What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship with someone with BPD?

If not, give it a look, and let us know what resonated with you.

-kells76

Dear Kells76, thanks for your answer. It really feels good to be back here and be among others who understand.

I read the article and I guess right now I'm having a hard time accepting the relationship as it it. This time's break up left me really shocked, as we were fine and he suddenly brought that problem up that I make him feel traumatized because I didn't let him have his dating opportunities while he could. After almost 3 days, I slowly started to realize what had probably triggered him, but I can't say I'm not sad anymore. I'm also really willing to get him back, but I don't know if it happens.

I'm also eager to take the role of caretaker and get educated for it but I don't know where to start, both for him and for myself. That's specially harder for me because we're currently living in two different countries now, and as we've started new life and jobs, we don't have excess financial sources in case. But let me say I would do anything for us.

Ps.: I just edited my reply to add something. I was thinking that if it's kinda natural for me to be constantly worried about if my partner will come back? Because I don't think so, but after all I've read about pwBPD on how they easily forget, how long their episodes of splitting last for years and months I feel too worried, even though I hadn't faced such episodes in this 10 years.

[kells76]

Good to hear you checked out the article and found some thoughts to reflect on.

What you're recognizing about yourself here seems important:

I read the article and I guess right now I'm having a hard time accepting the relationship as it is.

The article describes a few areas where we might be challenged to accept the relationship as it is:

It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is -

*not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase,

*not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and

*not hope that changing your behavior [will] heal someone else.

Are all three of those kind of equally difficult right now, or is one of those areas harder for you than others?

...

In terms of getting more educated about BPD and what it would take to be in and stay in a relationship with him, well, this board is a good place to start 

It may take some digging, but you are welcome to look back through the threads and members, and follow members' trajectories, successes, and letdowns, and also find threads on "what does success look like" (or similar titles).

Another important resource for educating yourself is, interestingly, from the "Lessons" section of our "Detaching from a BPD relationship" board -- I'm only bringing it in because it's such a good reference, not to hint at or suggest "stay or leave the relationship". It's an article called "Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck" (on page 3).

The reason your situation reminded me of that article is that in order to be healthy, grounded, and have perspective in BPD relationships, we need to educate ourselves about possible misperceptions or distortions or wrong beliefs we may have had about our relationships. Once we can see clearly, that can help us more forward more healthily.

While some of the descriptions may come from a more "Detaching" perspective, much of it holds true for a person like you, who is very open to learning more and being more educated about BPD relationships.

Another no-cost and reputable website you can check out for more information is the (USA based, I believe) National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder. In addition to recommended resources, articles, and solid links, they also offer free online groups (though you may need to research if they offer those groups to overseas participants).

...

And your P.S.:

I was thinking that if it's kinda natural for me to be constantly worried about if my partner will come back? Because I don't think so, but after all I've read about pwBPD on how they easily forget, how long their episodes of splitting last for years and months I feel too worried, even though I hadn't faced such episodes in this 10 years.

It is natural to worry about whether a partner you love will come back, especially given that BPD is a disorder of extreme and widely varying emotions, where the pwBPD's feelings equal facts to them. Maybe one of the hardest things for non-BPD partners to work with is that as much as they want to be able to control if the pwBPD comes back, that isn't always under their control. Many members here are coping with wanting to *do* something to directly affect the partner.

One approach that some people take is to focus on what is controllable -- themselves. We can't change another person's thoughts or feelings, but the nice thing is, we can work with our own, and when we work with our own thoughts and feelings, that can impact the relationship dynamic. So, you could decide if you want to try working through your worries and fears here, as a way of working on yourself while your partner is not around.

...

Hope those are some helpful thoughts;

kells76

[Bella2798]

Good to hear you checked out the article and found some thoughts to reflect on.

What you're recognizing about yourself here seems important:

The article describes a few areas where we might be challenged to accept the relationship as it is:

Are all three of those kind of equally difficult right now, or is one of those areas harder for you than others?

...

In terms of getting more educated about BPD and what it would take to be in and stay in a relationship with him, well, this board is a good place to start 

It may take some digging, but you are welcome to look back through the threads and members, and follow members' trajectories, successes, and letdowns, and also find threads on "what does success look like" (or similar titles).

Another important resource for educating yourself is, interestingly, from the "Lessons" section of our "Detaching from a BPD relationship" board -- I'm only bringing it in because it's such a good reference, not to hint at or suggest "stay or leave the relationship". It's an article called "Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck" (on page 3).

The reason your situation reminded me of that article is that in order to be healthy, grounded, and have perspective in BPD relationships, we need to educate ourselves about possible misperceptions or distortions or wrong beliefs we may have had about our relationships. Once we can see clearly, that can help us more forward more healthily.

While some of the descriptions may come from a more "Detaching" perspective, much of it holds true for a person like you, who is very open to learning more and being more educated about BPD relationships.

Another no-cost and reputable website you can check out for more information is the (USA based, I believe) National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder. In addition to recommended resources, articles, and solid links, they also offer free online groups (though you may need to research if they offer those groups to overseas participants).

...

And your P.S.:

It is natural to worry about whether a partner you love will come back, especially given that BPD is a disorder of extreme and widely varying emotions, where the pwBPD's feelings equal facts to them. Maybe one of the hardest things for non-BPD partners to work with is that as much as they want to be able to control if the pwBPD comes back, that isn't always under their control. Many members here are coping with wanting to *do* something to directly affect the partner.

One approach that some people take is to focus on what is controllable -- themselves. We can't change another person's thoughts or feelings, but the nice thing is, we can work with our own, and when we work with our own thoughts and feelings, that can impact the relationship dynamic. So, you could decide if you want to try working through your worries and fears here, as a way of working on yourself while your partner is not around.

...

Hope those are some helpful thoughts;

kells76

Dear Kells, many many thanks.
I think I'm having a hard time to accept that being my partner back is something out of my control, because I REALLY want him back and my mind is refusing the possibility of him not being back to me. Many years we've had together is making this more difficult, I guess. But let me be honest with you, I don't want to lose hope either. Maybe I'm even too dramatic for the situation, I don't know.

And here is one thing you mentioned: "not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior".

This is a really big thing on my mind. I'm not blaming any external event for my partner's behavior now. I know it is his BPD, and this is how he is. Neither the person in the idealization phase, nor the devaluation one are my partner. He is both. But there is something else I can't understand.
It's said the the fear of rejection, abandonment, etc triggered by something can make a person with BPD enter a splitting episode. I could clearly see this in previous breakups. But this one? I can't see it (and to be honest, this is one of my reasons to fear).
I try this to be as short as possible, but I guess I need to give an example:

We had a breakup about 2 years ago. It was his birthday, and literally everyone forgot it, except me and two friends. Even his mother. This triggered him to question the love I have for him, resulting to vent about me not putting effort to give him a good birthday and enough attention and then a breakup. This one was one of the worst.

In this current one, I can't find the internal reason.

He realized that his ex was mocking all his love behind his back when they were together. As he is polyamorous, he had met this partner when we were together, not before me. I definitely know this is super hard for him. But the point is, we didn't even have a fight. We spend a good night together, and right some minutes after my last text, he asked for a break up because he thought I didn't let him experience love and dating when he was handsome, and now he is not and his life is over, so he can't continue with me when he blames me everytime we talk in his mind and suffer while even talking to me!

I've been searching deep down in my mind to find what inner conflict made him cut me off this time, but I can't relate at all. If you can see the pattern, can you please explain it to me too?

Also, I would definitely check all the sources you've mentioned, specially online groups. Thanks a lot! But to be honest, I don't have good experiences with other places about BPD, I mean, I don't need more people calling my partner a sick monster that I should run away from because he is not curable. But of course, I will start working on myself while he's not around.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Bella-

I’m very sorry you’re going through this pain and confusion with your BPD partner.  As I understand from your post, it seems you’re trying to understand what possibly could have provoked his current highly emotional episode, aside from his ex speaking poorly behind his back...

Did I read correctly that you and he currently live in separate countries and are about to move?  If that is correct, moving can potentially be a HUGE emotional trigger.  For most people.  So if this is correct, it may be appropriate to look at the emotions and possible fears behind a move.

I’m sorry if I misunderstood.

Please take care of yourself.  Deep breaths...

Warmly,
Gems

[Bella2798]

I guess I have to make an update, so there would be a better understanding and also to document things for myself.

He unblocked me last night but I was asleep and didn't see his texts. He said that it's not like that he broke up with me because he wanted to punish me or I did something wrong, it's just he is happier without me and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. And he also understands that I was with him even when it wasn't possible to be.

To this point, everything sounded rational to me.

Then I asked him if he can continue talking to me or does it still hurt him? (I found out yesterday that he had plans to suicide) and his answer was I can't, because I don't love you and this way it makes him feel guilt and anger.

Here it goes. I've heard this one many times before. And to me it's like a defence mechanism, like he says and even feels that way, so he can be safe from consequences of loving someone.

I don't know if I'm right in this or not. But I hope my understanding is right.

[Bella2798]

Hi Bella-

I’m very sorry you’re going through this pain and confusion with your BPD partner.  As I understand from your post, it seems you’re trying to understand what possibly could have provoked his current highly emotional episode, aside from his ex speaking poorly behind his back...

Did I read correctly that you and he currently live in separate countries and are about to move?  If that is correct, moving can potentially be a HUGE emotional trigger.  For most people.  So if this is correct, it may be appropriate to look at the emotions and possible fears behind a move.

I’m sorry if I misunderstood.

Please take care of yourself.  Deep breaths...

Warmly,
Gems

Dear Gems, that's totally right. We've been in a LDR for about a year, and that was hard for both of us. I was finding a way to move to his country so we can be together again actually. I'm not moving there very soon, so I don't think that would be the major case but you're right because I know how much this stresses him out, because he was actually so worried about my situation in the country I am living now and the way I wanted to move there. He even mentioned one time in a fight that he doesn't want me to move there because of him because that's a huge burden on his shoulders and he doesn't want to take responsibilities! I  understood his worries and told him back then that this is my decision for my life, from mamy aspects and.

Thank you a lot for helping me to understand this, it's a huge question on my mind and knowing the answers really helps me.

[babyducks]

Then I asked him if he can continue talking to me or does it still hurt him? (I found out yesterday that he had plans to suicide) and his answer was I can't, because I don't love you and this way it makes him feel guilt and anger.

Here it goes. I've heard this one many times before. And to me it's like a defence mechanism, like he says and even feels that way, so he can be safe from consequences of loving someone.
I don't know if I'm right in this or not. But I hope my understanding is right.

in the years I was with my BPD-ex, my experience was that my Ex always believed that the emotions of the moment were totally accurate and would last forever.    until they didn't.

the other belief that underlined her experience of events was the conviction that her emotions were caused by others or by events outside herself.  she had no control and no responsibility for her emotions.

so for her, the only way to change how she felt was to get other people or events to change.

the way this played out in our relationship was when emotions became too intense, too large, too overwhelming, she would push away and enter an emotionally safe place.    where she felt more comfortable.    it wasn't a deliberate decision.   after years of watching this pattern unfold it appeared to me that when things became emotionally too intense, she would split to a mind set, a world view where she felt more control.   less at the mercy of intense mood swings.

my two cents - for what they are worth.

'ducks

[Bella2798]

in the years I was with my BPD-ex, my experience was that my Ex always believed that the emotions of the moment were totally accurate and would last forever.    until they didn't.

the other belief that underlined her experience of events was the conviction that her emotions were caused by others or by events outside herself.  she had no control and no responsibility for her emotions.

so for her, the only way to change how she felt was to get other people or events to change.

the way this played out in our relationship was when emotions became too intense, too large, too overwhelming, she would push away and enter an emotionally safe place.    where she felt more comfortable.    it wasn't a deliberate decision.   after years of watching this pattern unfold it appeared to me that when things became emotionally too intense, she would split to a mind set, a world view where she felt more control.   less at the mercy of intense mood swings.

my two cents - for what they are worth.

'ducks

Dear Ducks, thanks a lot for the time you put to write for me, it really means a lot.
I think you're right, although I couldn't see where the intensity was when I first started this topic... But even though I miss him a lot and I'm not feeling well yet, but after 4-5 days I can see the point and kinda get how intense were the situation, the pain and his feelings.
I just hope I can find a way help him, or he just finds the way back to me again.