Maybe a good sign?

[thepixies21]

I just wanted to write this down to remember. My husband showed me an email from his therapist to help him figure out goals for his partial hospitalization, which starts tomorrow. And the goals she recommended were all essentially the criteria for borderline personality disorder. She talked about how they have been working on depression, anxiety, and trauma and childhood abuse, but she is wondering if they might be “missing something”. She talked about his feelings of emptiness, fears of abandonment, strong emotions that are difficult to manage, difficulties keeping relationships, self harm thoughts, and trouble finding any way to deal with his emotions other than feeling paralyzed or wanting to numb them out impulsively with binging alcohol or through other means. I told him that I thought these were good goals to work on, and I asked him what he thought about what she said, and he said that he agreed with them, but that he was confused about how vague she was being, and wondered how he could turn them into actual goals. I was actually impressed with how he handled it, even though it made him anxious. She didn't way the words, and I didn't either. I don't feel right about it, I want it to come from his mental health professional. Maybe this can be worthwhile. I guess we’ll see what happens. I also wanted to cry reading the list, it’s not in my mind, she sees it too.

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[Pook075]

I just wanted to write this down to remember. My husband showed me an email from his therapist to help him figure out goals for his partial hospitalization, which starts tomorrow. And the goals she recommended were all essentially the criteria for borderline personality disorder. She talked about how they have been working on depression, anxiety, and trauma and childhood abuse, but she is wondering if they might be “missing something”. She talked about his feelings of emptiness, fears of abandonment, strong emotions that are difficult to manage, difficulties keeping relationships, self harm thoughts, and trouble finding any way to deal with his emotions other than feeling paralyzed or wanting to numb them out impulsively with binging alcohol or through other means. I told him that I thought these were good goals to work on, and I asked him what he thought about what she said, and he said that he agreed with them, but that he was confused about how vague she was being, and wondered how he could turn them into actual goals. I was actually impressed with how he handled it, even though it made him anxious. She didn't way the words, and I didn't either. I don't feel right about it, I want it to come from his mental health professional. Maybe this can be worthwhile. I guess we’ll see what happens. I also wanted to cry reading the list, it’s not in my mind, she sees it too.

Just the fact that he's seeking therapy is an awesome step in the right direction.  Progress is progress, regardless of how large or how small.  Don't expect overnight magic, of course, but keep your head up and we'll all be rooting for you/him.

[cranmango]

Yes, rooting for you both! It sounds like the therapist is being thoughtful with how they approach the topic, which is good. And knowing that other folks see it too is very validating. Hold onto this moment.

[SaltyDawg]

Me three too. 

He is 'self-aware' and he has the will to do something about it - both must be present for a recovery, and it sounds like both are present!

 

Major step in the right direction.  I am happy for you.

However, there will be setbacks.  Just look at the 'big' picture, if the line is generally trending upward it is a good thing. 

It could look like 1 step forward, 3 steps forwards, 2 steps forward, 5 steps backwards, 1 step forward, 4 steps forward, 4 steps backwards - that is how it is looking for me.  General upward trend of a net of 2 steps forward at the moment.  I hope this changes for me, and I will encourage change in my pwBPD.  Mine only accepts anger management issues.

If you are an active participant there is a 98% probability of it being mostly successful; however, if you aren't that number drops significantly to about 60%.

Be sure to do self-care, it will be stressful, and it will not be easy.

I wish you luck with prayers, take care.

[Outdorenthusiast]

 I guess we’ll see what happens. I also wanted to cry reading the list, it’s not in my mind, she sees it too.

I am so happy for both of you!      It is definitely a path that has lots of whipsaw feelings for both of you.  As for hope - in my case the extremes seem to be dramatically less, and she is more cognizant of not exploding or trying to kill herself.  Also, she seems to be self analyzing a lot more and does say sorry and recognize afterwards when she was being inappropriate.  The hard part as being the SO is watching her tackle her childhood demons.  Necessary, but difficult - space is required for them to process all the feelings and their functionality in the real world in my case drops precipitously.  I am in that phase now and she is like a zombie, and I have to pick up a lot of slack and there is nothing you can do but watch and give hugs.  It is scary to watch, but it is a journey and I don’t mind supporting to get her to the objective of functional and non abusive.  Keep talking!

[thepixies21]

Thanks everyone! This has been a bumpy road, but as long as he's willing to better himself I'm hoping there's a chance things could get better.

I was actually kind of proud of myself today, he was saying that he was too anxious and was having stomach problems so he couldn't attend the program today, and asked what I thought. I told him that I couldn't decide that for him, it needs to be his choice. I would have never said that before, I think I would have said "I guess you can stay home", and then felt really resentful all day. But I let him make the choice, and I went to work. And he went! Good things happen when I mind my own business I guess. :-)

[SaltyDawg]

I was actually kind of proud of myself today, he was saying that he was too anxious and was having stomach problems so he couldn't attend the program today, and asked what I thought. I told him that I couldn't decide that for him, it needs to be his choice. I would have never said that before, I think I would have said "I guess you can stay home", and then felt really resentful all day. But I let him make the choice, and I went to work. And he went! Good things happen when I mind my own business I guess. :-)

When I read this, I was thinking 'uh-oh' it looks like he is going to fail, and then much to my surprise you said, 'he went!'. 

You need to give him positive reinforcement for this.  At a minimum tell him how proud you are of him.  Ideally a hug, and possibly a kiss too.  They need affirmation, even for small victories.

Borderline's typically have the emotional stability of a 5 year old, and you need to use similar methods of reinforcement while being genuine.