Realization that something is wrong with my partner

[Eddiet]

Hello first post here, I'm in a lot of distress, thanks for listening.

I met my girlfriend two years ago, I was in a stale relationship and she showed great interest in me from the start. She told me she never felt like this about anyone before, I made her feel safe and everything felt like it would be alright when we are together. I fell hook line and sinker for her and left my home.

Things were great for a few months, but shortly from the moment we started spending more time together I started to notice she was always hiding her phone, it went everywhere with her she would never leave it out of her sight. Everytime I walked into the room she would quickly close whatever she was looking at, this obviously started to affect the relationship as it was making me suspicious.  I caught her being suspicious with her phone but said nothing. I asked her many times if something was wrong or that I don't think she was being upfront with me or that I felt there was something she was hiding about herself, she always denied anything was up.

I asked to see her phone eventually and yeah she had, secret Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram accounts on there that she was using to stalk her apparently abusive ex with. She searched him every single day, up to five times a day. She also was stalking his ex wife who's marriage she had split up by having an affair with him, she was also stalking my ex and her ex's new girlfriend.

The Snapchat account was used to contact two fellas one a married man who she was sending nude pictures and videos to, this was still going on well after we had got together. She promises she never met him.

Before we got together I asked her to tell me if she had an affair with the ex or not because I knew he had been married, she promised me she had not. Obviously now I know she did have an affair with him and obviously now I know she was messing around with this other married man on snapchat at the same time as me as well.

She drinks to black out drunk and has been physical with me twice, she hit me a few months ago and just last week wrecked the house and was launching everything she could get her hands on at me. I'm at my wits end, we had huge row about this and I walked out the door, she begged me back and I came home the next morning, she had already downloaded and been on tinder, this is when I started to realise there was a serious problem here. I love her and forgave everything she promisd to stop the stalking and drinking, she hasn't. She had disappeared a good few nights and just says she stayed at her mother's.

Am I fighting a losing battle here, I only realised what's up with her because she was using my laptop and had been googling BPD and now everything makes sense to me. She hates and has blocked and was abused by all her ex's but still as I now know stalks them on secret accounts.

She constantly criticise her appearance, worry's about her weight and what other people think, she told me she had anxiety from the abusive relationships but also tells the same story about two of the ex's, she will tell the story and use the exact same words but about two different people. She went to the police about one and got a restraining order.

There is just so much I have just learned and I'm drive mad with worry as I love her like no other.

Any advice appreciated








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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello Eddiet, really glad you decided to reach out for some support. I hear in your writing the distress you're in right now.

Sounds like you're seeing a lot of the fear of abandonment that many pwBPD (people with BPD) experience -- almost like it's impossible for her to be alone, and to feel good, there has to be someone external who's really into her. pwBPD can struggle to understand how their actions impact others (like, how it would be hurtful to you for her to be on Snapchat that way), often rely on external sources (whether people, substances, and/or both) to feel okay, and have incredibly intense, widely (and sometimes quickly) ranging emotions. This is really hard to experience in a relationship.

One thing you can think about as you settle in here and learn more, is that you don't have to decide anything today or tonight. You can take some time, get grounded and centered, keep reading here, and get back to a wise place to make a decision about what you want, moving forward.

Of course, that is as long as you are safe. You mention that she has gotten physical with you and has hit you. I'm wondering if you know and accept that that isn't OK? Sometimes there are some social stereotypes like "it's OK for a woman to hit", or "nobody believes you if you say a woman hit you", and I just want to put out there that those aren't true. Food for thought.

Will you be safe at home tonight?

We really get, in this group here, that BPD relationships are complicated, and there's no one-size-fits-all answer. You're doing great by looking for more support and educating yourself about the disorder. In fact, have you had a chance to see our section on "Saving a relationship that is in or near breakup"? Check out those articles and let us know your thoughts. There are some on "how do I know if it's BPD", "BPD and DV/abuse", "what does it take to be in a relationship with a pwBPD", etc. Would love to hear what you think.

Keep us posted on how you're doing;

kells76

[Eddiet]

Thank you kells76 for the kind words, yes I am safe tonight thank you.

Also she has been telling all her friend's that I am a control freak and am emotionally abusing her, I'm half afraid she will be getting police after me as well if i piss her off enough. Most things she told her friend's had a tiny bit of truth but just twisted enough to make me look terrible, the rest complete lies. She says she done this out of spite because she thought she was losing me. I said the relationship can't continue with her friends thinking this of me and I want to set the record straight. She says go ahead tell them everything but they know nothing about her cheating or affairs and I can't bring myself to be that cruel because I think I just want revenge but also feel I can't be in her circle with all these lies about me.

[SaltyDawg]

Eddiet,

   If you are not in your own individual therapy, I strongly suggest that you do so as you need to unpack what has been happening to you.

I asked to see her phone eventually and yeah she had, secret Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram accounts on there that she was using to stalk her apparently abusive ex with. She searched him every single day, up to five times a day. She also was stalking his ex wife who's marriage she had split up by having an affair with him, she was also stalking my ex and her ex's new girlfriend.
  This is not normal behavior.  If she is doing this with her ex's - be prepared for similar treatment, if and when you become her ex.  Her past behavior is very indicative of her future behavior.  Is this behavior acceptable to you?

The Snapchat account was used to contact two fellas one a married man who she was sending nude pictures and videos to, this was still going on well after we had got together. She promises she never met him.
   Even if she 'never met him' it is an emotional affair.  Is this something you can accept?

Before we got together I asked her to tell me if she had an affair with the ex or not because I knew he had been married, she promised me she had not. Obviously now I know she did have an affair with him and obviously now I know she was messing around with this other married man on snapchat at the same time as me as well.
  Obviously you know how honest she is.  Can you accept this?

She drinks to black out drunk and has been physical with me twice, she hit me a few months ago and just last week wrecked the house and was launching everything she could get her hands on at me. I'm at my wits end, we had huge row about this and I walked out the door, she begged me back and I came home the next morning, she had already downloaded and been on tinder, this is when I started to realise there was a serious problem here. I love her and forgave everything she promisd to stop the stalking and drinking, she hasn't. She had disappeared a good few nights and just says she stayed at her mother's.
  Substance abuse is a major indicator of diagnosable BPD.  Being hit by a female, even if it doesn't hurt, this trait alone, statistically indicates that there is a 50% chance of being diagnosed with BPD on this trait alone - when combined with all of these other traits, the likelihood is much higher that she is a borderline [BPD].  There are several other indicators for BPD in your statement.  While I cannot diagnose, but if a 'duck looks like a duck, it must be a d___'.  Make sure that you are physically safe from these dangerous behaviors.  Again, are these behaviors acceptable to you?

Am I fighting a losing battle here, I only realised what's up with her because she was using my laptop and had been googling BPD and now everything makes sense to me. She hates and has blocked and was abused by all her ex's but still as I now know stalks them on secret accounts.
  If she did it to them, she is likely to do it to you.  Do you find this acceptable?  Follow your 'gut' feeling with regards to the question you asked with your 'gut' feeling if you are losing this battle.

She constantly criticise her appearance, worry's about her weight and what other people think, she told me she had anxiety from the abusive relationships but also tells the same story about two of the ex's, she will tell the story and use the exact same words but about two different people. She went to the police about one and got a restraining order.
  I am becoming a broken record here.  If she did it to them, she will likely do it to you.  Is this acceptable?

Also she has been telling all her friend's that I am a control freak and am emotionally abusing her, I'm half afraid she will be getting police after me as well if i piss her off enough. Most things she told her friend's had a tiny bit of truth but just twisted enough to make me look terrible, the rest complete lies. She says she done this out of spite because she thought she was losing me. I said the relationship can't continue with her friends thinking this of me and I want to set the record straight. She says go ahead tell them everything but they know nothing about her cheating or affairs and I can't bring myself to be that cruel because I think I just want revenge but also feel I can't be in her circle with all these lies about me.
  BPD/NPD will twist the narrative to fit their version of events, no matter how distorted it is.  Even though you do not want 'revenge' and to be 'cruel'.  Ask yourself this.  Wasn't she 'cruel' to you by fabricating false statements, was she enacting 'revenge' when she perceived you as abandoning her?  Do you find all of these lies she has fabricated against you as being acceptable?

Any advice appreciated

Apparently you are dealing with a severely personality disordered person.  So, in order to protect yourself, you will need to document document document document.  Get yourself a body cam, and use it.  Get a large hard drive to offload the footage on a regular and consistent basis, note any dates/times (no matter how minor) that can be used to prove your innocence and/or her guilt.  Get screen grabs of her phone, if you can, preserve the search history when she uses your laptop, use screen recording software and to document her actions.

As you are gathering evidence, concurrently find a good attorney that deals with 'high conflict' relationships.  Also find yourself a good therapist that also deals with 'high conflict' relationships.  Follow their advice.

If you find her actions against you as 'acceptable' - stay in the relationship and endure what you have observed her doing to her previous interests.  However, if you don't - please follow your 'gut feeling' on this.  I am not telling you to leave; however, if she perceives it, she may dump you first [to feel better than you] and you are in danger if you decide or she decides it is time for you to leave, you already know what she is capable of with her 'ex's'.  So you need to meticulously plan what you are going to do, and then execute it all at once, with a restraining order against her already in place, but being served at the time you execute your plan, whatever that might be.

Follow the 7P's - Proper Prior Planning Prevents Pi$$ Poor Performance
Also, "Hope and Pray for the best; however, plan for the worst".

First and foremost, do some self-care.

Take care, and be very very careful.