Hi Bluebird1986, welcome to the group -- this is a good place to learn more about BPD behaviors, traits, diagnoses and relationships.
We appreciate you being so willing to share what's going on in your life and where you're at. That can take courage.
You both have had, and do have, some challenging things to deal with. It's good to hear that you are in couples therapy. How long has that been going? What does your counselor have you working on right now?
And, do either of you have an individual therapist, too? It can be important to have individual support & accountability just for "your stuff" -- I can share that my DH and I have a marriage counselor, and then I have an individual counselor, too (his kids' mom is the one with many BPD traits, it's pretty stressful).
I think I'm reading that you have kids? How many kids do you have, and how old are they? How have they been doing with the stress?
And to touch on your question here
So my question is am I projecting? Do I actually have BPD and I heard wrong so long ago and he does NOT have BPD?
One component of BPD as a disorder is shame. Another component is struggling with having a self &/or having a secure, stable identity.
So, those aspects of BPD may be showing up when your H says "it's not me, it's you". He may feel ashamed at having BPD, and in order to rid himself of the shame, says it's not him with the shameful disorder, it's you. Also, he may struggle to integrate complicated parts of himself. It might be hard for him to see himself as "not just good or bad", but a normal mixture of some positives and some negatives. So, adding a BPD diagnosis to his picture of himself, may be truly challenging.
Also, typically members who are able to ask genuinely "Do I have BPD", don't have it. That would be an unusual kind of openness for a pwBPD to have (not impossible, just less common). And, if you received the answer "Yes, you do have BPD", if your response would be "OK, then I plan to get significant help and work towards healing", then it is also unlikely that you have BPD.
If you still have concerns, consider reaching out to your couples counselor (or individual counselor, if you have one), as a MH professional would be very well equipped to assess that worry.
We have an article on the site called
I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know? -- check it out, and if you want to, let us know your thoughts on it.
Again, welcome to the group;
kells76