Anyone else dreading Valentine’s Day?

[thankful person]

I was rather looking forward to having a no drama Valentine’s Day, given my wife’s constant assurance that we are “not together”, plus saying “no cards and no clutter please”.

She then told me last week that she has spent lots of money on an extravagant gift, but it’s some kind of experience for the whole family as we don’t leave our little ones with anyone yet (so really it was just something she wants to do that we can’t afford, disguised as a gift for me).

After telling me that she starts whining about the fact that I’m working on Valentine’s Day and what are we going to do to celebrate (her thing won’t be that day). So I’m taking the afternoon off and I think the plan is to spend some time in the hot tub with a bottle of wine once the kids are in bed (though that’s “not special” as we often do that).

Anyway, I’ve bought some real rose petals to put in the hot tub. And some Etsy tickets for an event I’ve got tickets for, but I didn’t realise I couldn’t get real tickets. She’s already complaining because she knows I got these packages and thinks it’s a Valentine’s card and some kind of “clutter” which she says she doesn’t want.

I’m sure she’ll have plenty to complain about though (especially the “fake” tickets even though I do have tickets). She will also probably complain that “her” gift is for the whole family, even though mine is too.

I don’t really have any questions, just wanted to have a rant… I’m generally much stronger these days and my wife’s behaviour is nothing near as bad because of this. What’s the point in having a tantrum when you get little reaction? But I’m still anxious and kind of wish I was just going to work all day…

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[Notwendy]

I think that what has happened here is that, you have done something you really didn't feel you wanted to do, in order to appease your wife's feelings.

Your wife spent money on something she wanted, that was outside your budget. Rather than be accountable for her action, she presented it as a gift for Valentine's Day and then took victim perspective that you didn't plan a gift she wanted for her.

You took on rescuer mode and then planned gifts.

When we do things like this, the result is that we feel resentful. You aren't acting in accordance with your own authentic feelings. You feel that you were manipulated - whether your wife did this on purpose or not.

Shame is an uncomfortable feeling for anyone and for someone with BPD, they want to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Your wife wanted to have this family event, she knew it was expensive. She then felt like a victim for not getting the trip, so she "rescued" herself by purchasing it, and presenting it to you as a valentines day gift. It's possible to play out the Karpman triangle with one person in these roles.

Now you are going through the motions of being a romantic partner for Valentine's Day but your feelings are otherwise as you are annoyed.

I think it's good to stay neutral and not react back out of victim perspective but one doesn't have to not act at all. When she says you are not a couple, you can ignore it, or choose the natural consequences according to how you feel you want to respond- OK if we are not a couple, then no romantic things for Valentine's Day. Your wife's choice wasn't a couple celebration, it was a family one. You could respond with another family gift or one for the "mother of our children". Or you can give her a romantic couple gift, because you want to do that anyway. How she reacts is up to her.

One gift that works all different ways is flowers, if she likes those. I send flowers to my BPD mother as gifts. You can send them to her and thank her for being a good mother. Or chocolates, or something she might like to wear like a sweater, earrings. These aren't always romantic gifts- they can be gifts for people we care about in different ways.

Or do something for the family that is kid oriented- maybe a special cake everyone likes or some kind of special meal.

The ticket gift is a good one as it's something you probably like too and not just a couple's gift.

The rose petals are for a romantic couple. If you aren't feeling sincere about it, then don't go with that.

[thankful person]

Thanks not Wendy, very perceptive and interesting about the victim becoming rescuer to themselves by purchasing something they can’t afford. This is a regular pattern with my wife. As a child her family weren’t well off and she rarely got anything she wanted in the way of objects, food or experiences. By my own admission I was spoilt and my family were well off. So we have become opposites, with my wife constantly spending money we don’t have, and me having always lived a frugal adult life, always struggling to make ends meet but wishing I lived in the 1940’s when you could actually only spend the money you had earned.

I will reconsider doing the rose petals, not sure how I would do this anyway. Also I might call her bluff and ask whether she wants to exchange our gifts tomorrow instead of Valentine’s, which would take the pressure off.

Today has been difficult with my wife doing lots in attempt to “push my buttons” (not saying it’s intentional…) She pestered me so much that I finally caved in and told her the cost of the gift I bought. I didn’t want to tell her because I didn’t want to give her high expectations and I didn’t want to lie, firstly because I’m not a liar and secondly because she would be angry when she found out. But the ticket event will be something she will love but they kids and I will too. It is actually a Christmas event because my wife is Christmas crazy, but it gives her all year to look forward to it, because I find with her the anticipation is always better than the actual event. But I’m sure she will have something to complain about like the time and date or something I haven’t even thought of.

I also need to recognise that today has in some ways been a good day because my wife has remained fairly calm and kept the children unaware of any discord between us. I credit myself with this; whilst calling her a “bully” may not have been necessary, (and we still haven’t got any further in our relationship talks), I have done well to remain calm and not reactive so well done me.