How my codependency has played into Narcissistic behavior.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This isn't victim blaming, because I think, you know, abuse is abuse, and it's their responsibility for what they do. But I feel like, I've enabled them, by ignoring their flaws, even though they were obvious so many times, just to try to keep the peace or retain a relationship, that I thought I needed. My fear of conflict, my fear of big life changes, like ending a relationship, my fear of not having some help, when I need it, it doesn't hold people accountable, and it puts me in unhealthy situations.

Also, I think dodding on people, over helping, which I often end up doing, it coddles people sometimes too much, it's like I want to help people so much, and want life to be better than it really can be, in the situations I am in, that I forget to ask if people if they want the help, or forget to realize they'll be fine without me, or that I can't help them so much, or I lose sight of my life, and neglect important things for one person or issue, to a fault.

This plays into their behavior, because then I don't end things when I need to, set expectations, call out their poor behavior, and it causes me to lose respect for them, to the point of living in some sort of purgatory with them. I think, you know, all their abuse and manipulations is really harmful, and disturbing to me, and I do think they bare a large part of the responsibility. But if I can't see my own issues here, then I am powerless to repeat the same mistakes.

It's not just about recognizing the abusive behavior and manipulation tactics, and healing from the trauma, it's why I get into these situations. I guess, you know, it was always just easier to blame myself, than call it what it was. I called it out many times, but I ended up giving up on it, because I got tired of fighting. The trauma bond and all the splitting, it's confusing to the heart, but if the heart is this confused, or scared, there's something off, and I need to listen to it, to trust it more. Love shouldn't be this hard, difficult, yes, but it shouldn't break you, you shouldn't always be teetering on the edge of your limits with it. Also, it's always important to watch how people talk about and treat others, that's where the truth of who they are is, not in how they treat you. If they treat others poorly, then they'll probably end up treating you poorly, eventually, so watch out.

[NarcsEverywhere]

This isn't victim blaming, because I think, you know, abuse is abuse, and it's their responsibility for what they do. But I feel like, I've enabled them, by ignoring their flaws, even though they were obvious so many times, just to try to keep the peace or retain a relationship, that I thought I needed. My fear of conflict, my fear of big life changes, like ending a relationship, my fear of not having some help, when I need it, it doesn't hold people accountable, and it puts me in unhealthy situations.

Also, I think dodding on people, over helping, which I often end up doing, it coddles people sometimes too much, it's like I want to help people so much, and want life to be better than it really can be, in the situations I am in, that I forget to ask if people if they want the help, or forget to realize they'll be fine without me, or that I can't help them so much, or I lose sight of my life, and neglect important things for one person or issue, to a fault.

This plays into their behavior, because then I don't end things when I need to, set expectations, call out their poor behavior, and it causes me to lose respect for them, to the point of living in some sort of purgatory with them. I think, you know, all their abuse and manipulations is really harmful, and disturbing to me, and I do think they bare a large part of the responsibility. But if I can't see my own issues here, then I am powerless to repeat the same mistakes.

It's not just about recognizing the abusive behavior and manipulation tactics, and healing from the trauma, it's why I get into these situations. I guess, you know, it was always just easier to blame myself, than call it what it was. I called it out many times, but I ended up giving up on it, because I got tired of fighting. The trauma bond and all the splitting, it's confusing to the heart, but if the heart is this confused, or scared, there's something off, and I need to listen to it, to trust it more. Love shouldn't be this hard, difficult, yes, but it shouldn't break you, you shouldn't always be teetering on the edge of your limits with it. Also, it's always important to watch how people talk about and treat others, that's where the truth of who they are is, not in how they treat you. If they treat others poorly, then they'll probably end up treating you poorly, eventually, so watch out.

[Mutt]

This plays into their behavior, because then I don't end things when I need to, set expectations, call out their poor behavior, and it causes me to lose respect for them, to the point of living in some sort of purgatory with them. I think, you know, all their abuse and manipulations is really harmful, and disturbing to me, and I do think they bare a large part of the responsibility. But if I can't see my own issues here, then I am powerless to repeat the same mistakes

100% it's a 50/50 transaction.

With that in mind what are different approaches with people thst we have various relationships with that don't reciprocate?

[Pook075]

I catch myself at times thinking of myself as a victim because I never got any real closure; I never got to say, "This is how you treated me, this is where you never committed to our marriage."  Like you, I never voiced my opinion to avoid arguments and conflict, which felt like the "mature" thing to do with a spouse. 

But then I realize, even if I got a chance to really talk that out, my ex would just blow it off since she's written a completely different narrative in her head.  That's the only way she can cope- she has to be the constant victim in her own story.

I can't be a victim though because I chose to stay, to support, to love, etc.  It was all my choices, including to ignore her bad behavior and just accept it as normal.  If anything, I was a victim to my own insecurities or fear of the marriage ending.  And that's on me.

I have started dating again and I do pay much closer attention to receiving the same levels of affection that I'm tossing out there.  We all deserve to be loved just as much as we love others, and that's not something we should ever settle on except maybe for our kids or parents in certain situations.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Mutt, well I am trying with my Dad, but he keeps manipulating me. I've tried rigid boundaries, that's too controlling, then I loosen them, because it's even too rigid for me. I keep trying to compromise, but it's hard to work out. It's hard to trust him much, he doesn't deserve it, but I need to start valuing his input more on compromises, not let my consideration fail too hard. I'm honestly confused and probably need to read about how to deal with this more. I know avoidance is the most freeing, but it's also too much change at once for me. It's hard to be considerate and deal with his insanity. I'm applying the consequence for him manipulating me 2 days in a row, granted I caught it both times, but I gave in, because I wanted to trust him, the consequences are I'm spending very little time around him for a day or two, to protect my mental health. I'm learning lessons, but it's hard.

I get my part in it, but I still think abuse is abuse, I'm not gonna call what he does/has done, anything less than abuse. Doesn't make me a victim, I obviously put up with too much, trusted too much, tried to force him to do good too much, tried to convince him, didn't realize I could set terms for my relationships, walk away from stuff, own my own power more, and didn't have the courage to give up on something that wasn't working, because I hated feeling lonely.

Is trying to disempower people to accept them, really healthy though? I think that's my biggest mistake in this whole thing. But alas, I didn't know, it's been like this my whole life.

Hey Pook075, yeah I realized I excused a lot of poor behavior with people, because I had low self esteem, and wanted to assume the best in people, because it was easier to blame myself than break off the relationship. And although I see my part, I think it's like, when you are being confused mentally and emotionally THIS much, and honestly abused, how much culpability do you have though? Obviously I'm going to improve my behavior, but it wasn't my fault that I literally had no clue wtf was happening, because of all the gaslighting, lying, degrading, shaming, love bombing, projections, etc, really screw you up so bad, you don't know what direction you're even looking at. I at least had constructive intentions, and I think intentions matter a lot. Being damned near morally bankrupt is not something to equate to codependency.