Lost on what I mean to them (TWs: Sex, Suicide, Drugs)

[Drifting Stars]

Hello, this is my first post around here. Although my username is Drifting Stars, you can just call me Drift, I like that pseudonym. I'm familiar with certain terms and ideas, like splitting and discarding, fear of abandonment, emotional dysregulation, that sort of thing, but that doesn't mean I'd know the full brunt of this disorder nor its complexities. I've spent several months before bedtime doing my research on BPD for her sake. My relationship with my pwBPD is complicated to say the least, so I'm gonna try condensing it down. Edit: This is still long, so I am very sorry.

I've known her for almost 10 years of my life and I've loved her for half as much. We met when we were just teenagers online, 15 and 16 years old respectively. We're 24 and 25 now. She came from a really abusive household and has two dads, one biological and one re-married - the dad and mom did not leave the relationship on bad terms, just had differences in where they wanted their life to go. At some point in time she enlisted and moved 500 miles away from me, but we've only ever really seen each other in person once. She had her symptoms of BPD amplified while she lived alone - she was peer pressured to drink while underaged to the point of addiction, sexually assaulted by two men under the presumption it was consent, has slept around often - I am aware she's slept with her tattoo artist, potentially a commanding officer, some dude over the summer that wasn't even serious, and there could be many more. To her, I was basically found family and a very personal friend to her. I was discarded for 4 years of her life while she was undiagnosed, and as of mid-2022 we reconnected where she was diagnosed comorbid with MDD, Autism, and Antisocial Personality Disorder - namely just the low empathy side of things.

She knows how I feel about her for a long time too. I've told her about it but she doesn't seem to want to reciprocate or want us to be serious, even though she says I make her happy, comfortable, and when things are bad or she feels down, when I'm there for her she feels safe and grounded. I reaffirm my feelings for her in return, saying that I am aware she's struggling and that I am there to support her, that I do truly love her and I don't have intentions of seeing her as any less when she's spiraling. I try my best not to trigger her, and try to make her laugh every day I can. I'm her rock, and she's called me her soulmate and other half. She told me she's rarely certain about people, but she's certain I only have good intentions for her, and that is a quality she cherishes. Because of her autism she often has low spoons, basically low energy/tolerance for people, yet when I talk to her she says I am the easiest person to talk to and it takes zero effort to just slip into her usual self.

She's texted me kisses on occasion, said it'd be really nice if we could cuddle together or lay in bed together and do nothing, and often tells me she loves me a lot. She's sent me memes across social media platforms about romantic couples with the caption of "us", and seems to really like it when I call her an affectionate term, like darling or sweetie, or compliment her/flirt with her in general. We've joked in the past that we're husband and wife, even, and one of the memes was that I was "the competition" when other men were flirting with her. I even offered her my place to stay in the near future, and she told me she'd love to "cohabit" with me rather than just live together, and when it comes to taxes we could just file them jointly "like spouses or significant others". We've made Spotify playlists for each other, even, and hers has a lot of romantic love songs or "I wish you loved me" songs. I used to have a girlfriend but we didn't work out, she barely focused on me and during that time my pwBPD mentioned she felt possessive of me, but she had to be nice to my ex. This was early on when I started questioning romantic ideals for her again.

In public though I am just her "brother". When asked if I could be her boyfriend, she questioned why being her brother isn't enough. I provide so much more to her in companionship, company, and support - just not romantically or physically, which contradicts what she's told me. When asked for the reasoning, she said it was complicated, and I just have to be okay with it being like this. It's not as cut and dry as her having zero romantic interest, but it's something she just cannot explain to me right now. The best I can go off of is that prior to her splitting and discarding me, she told me that she didn't trust herself enough to take that leap and date somebody like me who deserves better, and in a split mood she told me she had zero interest and didn't care about my feelings before turning around, apologizing, and stating that she shouldn't have stepped on that fire I had for her, but needed time to think about it some more.

I'll be quite frank, she's still doing her bad habits of sleeping around or hooking up with people to feel validation/desire, knowing that I am in her life with these feelings all the same. She's currently dating a felon convicted of multiple counts of theft who's still in rehab at this time. This relationship she has right now was meant to be a rebound relationship from her past ex, who was a drug dealer and was cheating on her. They got together 6 days apart before the first ex's breakup. I told her that it's not really a solid foundation to be in a relationship with people she met at a rehab center she worked at, but she's told me I'm codependent on her wellbeing and she wants a long-term romantic endeavor, that she has a good feeling about those two guys, and the current one "is serious because he treats me like a queen and tells me he loves me like 10 times a day, which is infinitely better than that stupid ex of mine". She told me the latest guy she's with, she's taking slow, yet she already has plans in motion for him living with her once he's out of rehab sometime this year. They've not even been together for more than 3 months.

Is there any precedence for what can cause this in a BPD person overall? Just the fact that she tells me one thing but doesn't want to be serious about it and instead dates others. I've tried searching other communities in the past and at best I've some ideas, but I just wanted other inputs. I've read opposing things, such as the pwBPD wanting to be with someone else but they're taken, but not the other way around.

1. By proxy of attachment theory, I am her Favorite Person and that makes her afraid to hurt me. She doesn't want to screw things up and this is an act out of extreme love and care for me, even if it's her still diving into bad habits, therefore she wants to get better first before making it serious. This is my most likely thought when bringing in logical conclusions involving BPD symptoms.
2. I'm being triangulated, because I'm pretty sure her current boyfriend doesn't know about me. She doesn't spend time with me when he's residing at her place on parole.
3. She's afraid of being engulfed by this if we go any further and that terrifies her more than anything.
4. Although severely unlikely, my own anxiety wants me to believe I am being used for her own personal gain.

Any thoughts?

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[kells76]

Hello Drift, welcome to the group -- glad you reached out and shared what was going on.

After reading your story, one thought that struck me was that with BPD, sometimes we talk about the "B" (borderline) and the "P" (personality), but neglect the "D" (disorder) aspect of BPD. I wonder if that's what's hitting you in your situation -- you've done the research, you're aware of the terminology, you're obviously working hard to analyze what's going on, yet at the end of the day, you're left with the question: So what causes her kinds of behaviors in a pwBPD (person with BPD)?

One way the "disorder" shows up is that while you and I can cognitively process the concept of "incredibly deep, nearly unmeetable, overwhelming emotional needs", the way it plays out in the real life of a pwBPD can be irrational, inscrutable, and leave us with questions. It isn't linear thinking -- you were able to come up with a numbered list of 4 possibilities, yet perhaps her inner experience is much more "primitive" or underdeveloped in a way. She may, in any and every moment, be so completely overwhelmed by her harmfully intense emotions, and consumed by the drive to meet her profound emotional needs, that reasoning ("she is thinking critically about not hurting me", "she knows that this might engulf her so she is making different choices") is probably not a factor.

One concept that can help is that the way we think a pwBPD would think, is actually pretty different from how they think. The way they experience relationships is very different from how we experience relationships -- one phrase that I've been turning over in my head lately is that BPD is a "relational disorder".

In fact, even though this article is from our "Detaching from a relationship" section, it's about "Beliefs that can you get stuck" and my thought is that we can be on a better foundation for the relationship if we get "unstuck" from unhelpful beliefs about BPD. So, check it out, and see if some parts resonate with you. My hope is that "getting unhooked" from some beliefs about BPD can free us to have a more reality-based relationship -- however that ends up looking for you and your pwBPD.

Anyway, just some food for thought to get a discussion going. Don't hesitate to look around the site, including the "Diagnosis + Treatment" articles up top, and feel free to write back whenever works best for you.

-kells76

[Drifting Stars]

Kells,

I mostly agree with you on what's being assessed. My pwBPD has been quite lonely for the past 4 years and I've been striving to adjust that in her life by moving her away to somewhere a lot more financially and emotionally stable, but I can only do so much 500 miles away from her while she can get access to people that're less than savory to meet her needs. The state she lives in is mostly rural and was designated for military purposes, so now that she's a civilian she's exposed to a lot more of its shady undersides. Most of her exes that I've had knowledge of from what she's told me haven't exactly treated her right, either. There might've been some shining beacons but otherwise, I don't think many of them lasted longer than a year, if that was the max. I know that no matter what I do, I cannot 'fix' her, because that's best left to professionals and potential for DBT to help regulate her emotions - of which, she is slowly trying to find with her referral. I can only accommodate by being her support as healthily as I can within reason.

I took a look at the lessons and while those did resonate with me in some regard, overall they don't make me understand the situation any better - but I think that's just a typical thing when it comes to BPD. We're all left with guesswork, and sometimes asking them is the equivalent of one of those mystery toy vending machines - never know what you're gonna get as a response, but it's probably not the one you want.

Still...I am often left wondering what goes on in her mind and wondering what her true feelings are about me. I hardly if ever cling onto others due to my own orientation (Demian/Demirose) as well as my own mental health problems (Anxiety/Depression) and falling in love with somebody with a complex disorder like this, I wasn't counting on being as happy as I was when I felt that small reciprocation after all this time. I want us to make it, you know?

Anyway, I'm rambling. If nothing else, the lessons helped relieve my ever-stirring thought processing that's been remaining unanswered or left murky for a long while - even if it's just for the time being. Thank you for your response.