Feel like I’m at the end of my rope and don’t know what to do

[itisi]

I’m very new to all of this but struggling and reaching out because I desperately want to save my marriage.

My husband and I were friends for over a decade and then got together 3.5 years ago. We got married 2 years ago. First truly serious relationship for both of us. Since around the 2nd or 3rd month of dating, he was already showing traits of BPD but I had no idea about BPD at the time and just kept trying to keep him happy and move one step at a time.

I finally started therapy for myself last year and have learned some boundaries, and it helped some. But unfortunately things are really intensifying the more I put my foot down. He has been emotionally abusive and even some mild instances of physical so I’m working to protect myself.

I love him dearly and it’s so sad to see the beauty in him but then constantly get my heart broken. He’s genuinely a great guy… when he’s not triggered. His past has EXTREME trauma.

We’re starting  marriage counseling this week and I’m nervous. He seems very unopen to my side of every situation.  We also tried marriage counseling a few months  after getting married and it was a complete failure.

My therapist told me about BPD and after doing my own research, I really felt the traits fit him and I need to learn more about it and get the right support. I’m happy to be here and still clinging to hope.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[thankful person]

Hi itisi, and welcome. You have found an amazing support network in bpd family and there’s so much information here too. I wish you all the best and hope the counselling helps. My dbpdw is absolutely in denial about having any responsibility for our problems, and refuses to attend counselling with me and says she wants me to leave if I were to go alone. Hopefully the marriage counsellor will see what’s going on in your marriage, but I understand it can be hard for them to see what’s going on when there’s a pwbpd in the marriage. The good news is there is so much you can do to improve things in your relationship, even without your husband making any effort to take responsibility or improve himself. Good luck!

[Bella2798]

I wish you all the luck! There is a difficult path ahead of you both of course, but I personally think the fact that you both are still willing to try consultation is great and can make good progress!
I've been with my partner wBPD for 10 years too, the same like you husband with a really traumatic past and being a great person when he's not triggered... And this makes the whole situation so much harder. I understand that it can be scary, but it seems you are starting to support yourself well and that's great! Take care of yourself, there's so much hope.

[itisi]

Thank you both for your encouraging and kind words! It means a lot just to have some support after a long time of feeling isolated.

thankful person, I completely understand what you mean about your dbpdw not taking responsibility, and not wanting you to get counseling on your own. My husband didn’t want me to get counseling on my own either and it was a huge and hard decision for me to make, and I thought it could be the end of our relationship. But I needed it, and finally did it. When I did, my counselor was very concerned that he had  tried to stop me from going, and  told me to never, ever let anyone stop me from getting the help I need, no matter who they are. I hope you can go too if it’s what you need. It has helped me a lot, and ultimately we just can’t let someone else  control everything we do or don’t do.

Again, thank you guys for your encouraging  words!