Personal responsibility vs Self Blame

[NarcsEverywhere]

I think one thing that is hindering me a lot is I blame myself a lot for their abuse, like the fact that I wasn't completely healthy or didn't have the skills to deal with the situation, that somehow all the crap they did is partially my fault. But, I can't be responsible for their actions, they chose to do all the crap they did, and on top of that, a lot of my mistakes were because of the manipulations and abuse itself.

It's hard to be introspective and see my unhealthy attitudes and correct them, and see my part in the unhealthy dynamic, without blaming myself for what they did, and it just keeps me in a cycle of not being able to feel vulnerable and hurt about it.

I keep feeling a lot of shame for associating so deeply with people like this (I didn't know they were this bad though), and feeling ashamed of not sticking up for myself (they tricked me and wore me down, so I couldn't, plus I didn't know how), and sometimes those close to me. I think you know, a lot of how I feel is because of their abuse, they convinced me a lot of stuff was my fault that wasn't.

[once removed]

the ability to do this goes hand in hand with the concept of "detaching".

when you are fresh out (and by "fresh" that can be many months for some of us), and the pain is raw, i dont think one can really see beyond that to see the valuable lessons they can learn when they are detached from that pain. most of us arrive here clinically depressed and experiencing cognitive distortions (the ten forms of twisted thinking found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199) and that makes it difficult to say "i made a mistake" without catastrophizing it. so, in one sense, i dont think its terribly productive to try when one is deep in grief.

i couldnt separate the two either. when my ex and i first broke up, my parents, gently, and tactfully, tried to suggest to me that given i had emotionally and physically abandoned the relationship, that it really wasnt all that surprising that she found someone else, or that she left me.

i wasnt ready to hear that. i wasnt ready to hear that there was anything at all that i could or should have done differently. the very idea would send me into an absolute tailspin and i would need "reassurance".

it was true, of course. emotionally and/or physically abandoning a relationship is a relationship killer. except, of course, the relationship was really dead before that; it was far more complex than the idea that my abandoning the relationship was what caused the end of it.

and, of course, my abandoning the relationship did not remotely excuse her cheating. the truth is that her and i were both too weak to make the hard choice to end the relationship. someone here once said that good mental health often involves making hard choices. instead of doing the difficult thing, when the writing was on the wall, i distanced, and she latched onto someone else. two different, but equally unhealthy coping mechanisms.

all of that is with the benefit of being over ten years removed from my relationship, and with the benefit of having learned from the ones ive had since. even when i was removed from the pain, that didnt necessarily translate to automatically having greater wisdom. if anything, my trajectory continued downward after that, until i really had no choice but to look at myself and see that i was the common denominator. i was the problem...but i was also the solution. nothing about me was broken or unloveable. i just had a lot to learn, and to practice. for really the first time in my life, i was open to that, and able to see myself more objectively, as opposed to seeing myself in some kind of binary good/bad way.

but that didnt happen for a long time. it took me a good year to be over the pain, and then another couple of years of running up against old habits and more bad choices; i couldnt blame my ex for that.

and thats what i mean by detaching. being removed from the pain made it a lot easier to see things from her perspective (whether i agreed or not) and to see it from an outsiders perspective (whether i agreed or not), and to change my own, once i was ready to do it. hindsight and experience then informed all of that.

[Mutt]

But, I can't be responsible for their actions, they chose to do all the crap they did, and on top of that, a lot of my mistakes were because of the manipulations and abuse itself.

You can't control someone else's actions, you can only control how you react to it. Having said that, you are on the boards and self reflecting. I think that speaks a lot.

How many exes with traits of a personality disorder do that? Our exes are on spectrum with different traits of mental illnesses and comorbidities. Many members here have exes that don't have enough traits to be clinically diagnosed with BPD and there are some that are diagnosed.

As you know a personality is a difficult think to change and someone that is severally mentally ill may not recognized that they are sick and may not seek help. You are going through your personal inventory and are taking the time to self reflect therefore you can make different choices in the future.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey once removed, thanks a lot for responding. I see what you're saying, I think you know, a lot of people, have a lot of issues, when they get into these relationships. I do have a lot of issues, but I also had developed a lot of detachment, and honestly wisdom. I just didn't apply proper blame, had some codependency issues (which I had already been working on).. I actually detached from these relationships as they became more toxic, because after my BPD exgf, I learned a lot about focusing on what I can do for myself. Also, I think I just tolerated way too much, even as I'd detach and do my own thing. I made excuses for them, and didn't let myself channel the anger towards them, where it belonged. And I have a lot of trauma that caused me to be so uptight around them, and feel more helpless, without even realizing it.

I think the main lessons for me are:

Don't over invest in people
Build trust slowly based on actions (only trust people as far as they prove to be trusted)
Don't pressure people to be better, you can encourage/discourage it though based on consequences and praise/gratitude
Firmly address dangerous/cruel situations immediately
Make sure your personal space is respected
Don't give too much, give and take is important in most situations

Right now, I've been stuck in black and white thinking, because I have to learn quick to deal with my Dad who I live with and my neighbor. And I feel exhausted, but I'm going to lighten up, because I can't handle this amount of pressure forever, and need to apply what I've learned. I know to have a "good enough attitude" and that there are "many options to life" and I deserve 100% love and acceptance, and perfectionism pretty much destroys you, but I am not applying these things at all, I've been stuck in sort of a panic for quite a while, trying to cope. I need to lighten up and take more risk, because how I've been is unsustainable as hell.

Anyways, I see what you're saying though, you can logically understand things, like I do, because I have to learn quick, but to truly take it all in, you have to work through the emotions, that's how wisdom happens, it happens from patience and facing the emotions. The most clear answers happen from relaxing and letting them happen, not forcing them too much. I'm just so confused, because I haven't been able to relax, except today, I'm risking today, I'm relaxing, I can't live like I have been.

Hey Mutt, thanks for getting back to me!

Yes, I agree, I'm reflecting, and I actually think this is why I bare less responsibility in these situations, I actually tried to learn the entire time, and tried to adjust according to how they responded, but no matter how much I improved my responses, and pulled away, realizing the limitations of the relationships, their behavior would deteriorate. Obviously I needed to learn how to end things when they needed to, instead of holding on, out of some obligation, or because I was scared to confront them. The trauma is what screwed up my decision making more than anything. I can't get all the answers right away, but I feel so scared, that it's hard to relax. I need to relax in order to be happy and deal with the situation dynamically. I have to trust in my ability to make mistakes and learn, instead of thinking I have to be perfect to get through this.

I think one of the most confusing things about this whole thing, is that I used to gauge my strengths and weaknesses REALLY well, but right now, I'm at a loss, because of how much my life is changing so quickly.

Anyways, back to the self blame thing, it's hard to make sense of things, because of all the projections, and misapplied blame I had, and new interpretations of the past, it's a hot mess, . I need to just work through it and trust that I can. My most clear moments are when I've relaxed and let the grief process do it's thing. I think you know, abuse is still abuse, I'm not going to take responsibility for their cruel stuff, that's on them, the pain I feel over how they treated me and those I care about, that's mine to deal with, and how I learn and respond in the future, that's mine to deal with. But I really gotta stop blaming myself for their cruelty, that's just simply not how I am, and it's not my fault at all.

[Pook075]

Picture this.  You're cruising down the highway at 70 MPH and you hear a pop from under the hood.  Smoke starts billowing out and the engine cuts off.  So you drift over to the right shoulder and put the car in park.

In this moment, do you think, "I'm such an idiot- if only I broke down the engine this morning to make sure everything was running smoothly."  Of course not, you're probably not a mechanic.  And even if you were, mechanics rarely maintain their cars the way they should because they're always fixing their friends and family's cars instead.

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD is a lot like car trouble.  It's easy to realize something is wrong, but you're probably not qualified to diagnose the problem...much less fix it.  You probably messed some things up- I sure did.  But we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into and relationships are about two people working together. 

If you didn't stop working on the relationship towards the end, then you didn't fail.  Your spouse quit and that's not on you.  If you couldn't save the day by swooping in and making everything better, then you're not a superhero...you're just a mere human like the rest of us.  All of us have to let that self blame go.

[NarcsEverywhere]

You're so right Pookie, I tried so hard in all of these relationships/friendships that I've been beating myself up about, and there was literally NOTHING I could possibly have done to make it work, because they have to put in work on themselves, to even have any sort of decent relationship. I just didn't know what I was dealing with at all, so how could I have made better decisions? Now that I know, I realize these weren't healthy people, capable of any meaningful connection, that was my mistake, but it was an honest mistake, not some horrible, cruel, terrible mistake, it was an honest freaking mistake, with no poor intentions!

[Pook075]

You're so right Pookie, I tried so hard in all of these relationships/friendships that I've been beating myself up about, and there was literally NOTHING I could possibly have done to make it work, because they have to put in work on themselves, to even have any sort of decent relationship. I just didn't know what I was dealing with at all, so how could I have made better decisions? Now that I know, I realize these weren't healthy people, capable of any meaningful connection, that was my mistake, but it was an honest mistake, not some horrible, cruel, terrible mistake, it was an honest freaking mistake, with no poor intentions!

Exactly, I feel the same way.  The mistake was not knowing what was there all along, and it's not actually a mistake because we weren't qualified to understand what was going on.

I read a cool article today about a family in Japan.  They found a puppy in the woods- thought it was a Mastiff.  Raised it for two years, it got much bigger than a Mastiff, over 300 pounds, and it ended up walking around on its hind legs.  Whoops.  They called their version of animal control and it was actually a very rare bear that was close to extinction. 

Suddenly, everyone was terrified of the family pet- it could kill them.  The authorities wouldn't even transport it without tranquilizing it first, they were too afraid.  Yet, this was the family's pet for two years...their young kids played with him daily.

Long story short, the bear is now in an animal refuge and happily living it's life like a bear.  You can't fault the family though for seeing a cute cub and wanting to love on it, take care of it.  It just turned out their dog was a bear in disguise, LOL.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Pookie, haha, damn bears and all their gaslighting, projections, shame tactics, isolation, degradation and dehumanization, and attention seeking behavior. If only we knew they were bears all along.