Seeking advice to establish boundaries

[Tortuga50550]

Hello everybody,

For everyone who didn't already now about my situation, my bpd father was in vacation for two months, and has now returned home. My mother has officially ask for a divorce, but for the moment he will stay at home till he finds a job and an appartment. Or till he acts violently again, in wich case we're suppose to kick him out.
My father has...reacted well? He has yet to break something at least. He sais he was surprised that we were so hurt by his actions, that he didn't know, that we didn't told him (wich is a big lie, we've been telling him for such a long time). But he has agree to the divorce (at least for now), and has added that, surprise surprise, he has started seeing a psychologist. In his country. On zoom.

I obviously don't belive it. It's quite a coincidence that he has started seeking help, wich he has always refused to do, exactly at the same time my mother has told him that we weren't okay and she was divorcing him. And even if the psychologist thing is true, I don't believe it will last long. I don't even know for what he's going, if he's even telling them about his anger issues.

But the thing is that now they want me to have a talk with my father. And they is my mom. And maybe my dad, but mostly my mom. That's something that rubs me the wrong way, and for what I have been more or less angry at my mom since yesterday. But I haven't refuse only because it might be the right time to start putting my boundaries first. And it might be a good way to test if he's really serious about all this or if it's a bluff, as allways. So, after talking about my psychologist, I've decided to write him a letter. Wich I have, but I haven't send it to him. Yet.

My mother doesn't want to send it to him, she says it would look like she has wrotten it. Wich is defenetly an excuse for not wanting to ruin the mood, since they're supposedly divorcing. But I agree that's also my letter, so it would make more sense that I send it to him. But I don't know when. I wanted to do it fast, because I know that the longer I take time on giving it to him, the more I'll be anxious about it. But I don't want to do it at an akward time, like before dinner, I don't want to discuss about it for some time, till I feel ready. Any advices?

[kells76]

If I'm tracking with you, after your mother told your father that she wanted a divorce, and he said he was seeing a psychologist, then your mother told you that she wanted you to speak to your father?

What does she want you to talk to him about?

I think you are on the right track to prioritize what you need and want over what others seem to want you to do.

Additionally, your parents are adults and their relationship issues are between them. It is not appropriate for parents to ask children (even adult children) to talk to the other parent, about a conflict between parents. It would be fine to decline to participate.

Your relationship with your father is between him and you, and so while your mother can certainly give you feedback about her thoughts on sending the letter, it is up to you to decide what you want to do -- not to do what would "help" their relationship. That's their job.

What would it be like to decline doing what your mother wants, and to do what you think is best instead?

[Tortuga50550]

If I'm tracking with you, after your mother told your father that she wanted a divorce, and he said he was seeing a psychologist, then your mother told you that she wanted you to speak to your father?

Kind of? I already knew about the divorcing thing. I live with my parents, and I was at home with my mother when she mentioned it to me. I think she does it partially because she no longer can accept the situation, partially because she's now aware of how awful all of this has been to me.

What does she want you to talk to him about?

How I feel about the situation with my BPDfather, how it has affected me. My mother knows now about how much negative impact this whole dynamic had in my physical and mental health, so she believes that if I express my feelings, my father will take it more seriously I think? Maybe really try to change? Or at least be aware that his way of acting will no longer be accepted, wich I have talked several times with her. And putting some clear bounderies too I guess.

What would it be like to decline doing what your mother wants, and to do what you think is best instead?

I'm not sure what I want. My first reaction to conflict is usually to hide, wich doesn't really work in realy life often, and is quite impossible. I see my father every day, I live with him for the moment, and acting like nothing happens will end up making me more nervous, and will make him more nervous too. I do believe that I'll have to talk to him to be clear where we're standing now and to talk about my boundaries. So I could decline to hear her advice, but's very probably that it will come bite my in the ass, not because she might "punish me" or something, but because it's real life, where I can't avoid my problems forever.

This serves also as an update, but after reading the letter, my mother actually apologized. For not having realized what was going on and for not having protected me when I need it. Wich is a HUGUE thing for me. And funnily, told me to do whatever I wanted.