Where to begin? Adult Child

[Sandrine]

Hello Friends,
This is my first post. I am happy to have a group that supports family members with BPD.
 My adult child lives overseas. Last summer our relationship took a turn due to an explosive event at her home. I'm still trying to process the why's and how's. Background info: every summer I travel there along with my spouse ( not her birth father) to visit. I typically spend a few weeks between her home and other family members.
Two months ago I bought the expensive ticket..read OUCH! Prior to purchasing the ticket I asked if they would be home. I have a granddaughter (toddler) that I love to see. She told me they would be home in July and most likely traveling in August.  This morning I learned that the day I arrive they are traveling to Europe and will return 3 weeks later. I leave the last week.
I'm trying to stay calm and focusing on the positive that I will hopefully see them the 4th week.
It's clear in my mind that she wants to escape and perhaps not see me since in her mind I disappoint her when I have physical challenges and need to rest etc. Her affect has been flat and at this point I'm trying to figure out how to stay positive and not cancel the trip altogether. Any insight would be appreciated and thanks for being here. After 15 years of trying to understand the turmoil I have come to terms that she has many characteristics of BPD and my therapist is in agreement. Also, how can I help her since I don't believe she is in therapy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Sandrine and welcome to the Family. You must be devastated at what is happening. From what you say, you made plans around what you were told your dd's plans were - and then you were completely blindsided by her response.

You say there has been turmoil for a long time, but each year there was this routine of visiting for a few weeks and catching up with others as well as your dd and her family. You also mention an explosive event - but don't give details of what happened there.

I can only offer from my own experience of relating - or trying to relate - to a bpd dd. If the 'explosive event' was something that happened between the two of you, then I feel that this is 'pay back'.

Your dd knows how you will be responding to what has happened. You will notice in the posts here how many BPD children use grandchildren as a weapon.

It is a difficult thing to do (I think 'letting go' emotionally usually takes place over a period of time and you have this particular trip to sort out how to react/respond/whether to go etc), but I would step back emotionally from the hurt and pain of what is happening.

BPD folk are very vulnerable - but also powerful in the way they can cause the sort of pain you are experiencing. I am at a point where I would take power back by - in this example - going on the trip, visiting all the others, hopefully having the fourth week with your grandchild.

I am not sure if you would be able to have the cost of the trip refunded? If that were the case perhaps you could casually say 'Okay we can come a bit later' - if you can do this.

In any case I would do whatever is possible on the basis that you won't be emotionally controlled by dd.

I am sorry I can't be more helpful - I can only say how I would respond from my experience of bpd and how it has played out in my life.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Sandrine! 

No one told me how much my kids would hurt my feelings.

Also, how can I help her since I don't believe she is in therapy.

Sancho offered some great advice. I especially loved the part about taking your power back. Since we can't control others, I'd add that the best way you can help your daughter is by carrying only what's yours. Your daughter may very well be trying to avoid you, and she may have feelings about why, but those feelings are hers to carry and manage. How can you make this trip work for you? You're so worth it.

[Titch]

I completely get how you feel. Sounds like she is still punishing you from whatever her irrational thinking perceives you have done. I think you need to take a step back. Let her do what she needs to do and you get on with your own plans. You will never do the right thing by her, so no point trying. You know you love her, she knows you love her. Let her be the one to contact and see you. Don’t feel guilty. It’s exhausting!