Stuck and Hollow

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I feel like I'm stuck.

My girlfriend found out at the end of the year that what she thought was Bipolar Disorder was actually BPD. She felt awful that she was living misdiagnosed for so long and lamenting all the time wasted she could have been seeking proper treatment. I did my own research after the diagnosis and was shocked to see how accurate everything was to our relationship, but even more shocked in learning the types of struggles she was going through in her own mind.

We've been together a total of 4 years now, moved in together within the first. Her immediate and almost obsessive need to spend as much time as possible with me was the first sign I thought something was wrong but I honestly was just enjoying the fact that such a beautiful woman was so into me. We share the same goals of finding a partner, to marry, and have kids with, but she's a little more enthusiastic about getting to that point sooner rather than later.

More warning signs would pop up; like her going through my text messages and social media profile and asking me about every single female friend who I assumed she was threatened by. Majority of them are cousins. She would be upset if a TV show or Movie scene has a focus on an attractive females body, going as far as changing the show entirely during the scene if I'm watching it, yet she has no problem openly gawking at the screen when a buff looking shirtless guy appears. If I'm paying attention to my phone for more than half a minute, god forbid I start typing something, she will ask "Who are you texting?" making the assumption I'm even writing a text. Because of that, I've had to keep my phone permanently on mute because the app notifications and text sounds seem to trigger her.

I've spent the whole relationship making adjustments on myself to keep her from getting triggered so the relationship can stay happy and fight free like it started, but it feels like its never enough. If I want to try and unwind and have time to myself to indulge in a video game, she ends up eventually getting bored and her options end up being to either bug me while I'm trying to do my own thing or she goes to the other room to browse social media until something ends up triggering her and she comes to me with the new tone for the evening.

She knows how I feel about this merry-go-round of emotions she's putting me through. She knows how tired and drained she has been leaving me lately. This morning she woke me up in the middle of the night because she was stuck in her head unable to sleep. She wanted to get intimate but was frustrated when she could tell I was clearly half-asleep and wouldn't be able to perform. She spent the next 45 minutes stomping around, slamming doors as she entered and exited. It seemed pretty clear she didnt want me sleeping. Thinking I had fallen asleep, she stood by the bed and announced to me that she was angry at me. I could only respond with "well now you brought me to your level because im angry at you to". She didnt think I had heard her and immediately began apologizing and trying to cuddle with me while I kept refusing her.

Well we're both at work now. Haven't spoken to her since the incident this morning. We usually would Snap eachother updates of our workdays but she's radio silent, as am I. At this point I'm not sure what to do. My love for her is still there, but I feel hollow. I've got no fight left. We've only recently discovered BPD was her problem, but I've been getting emotionally bullied this whole time. Do I stay and try and help more now that we know its BPD? Part of me feels like I should, but the pain and fatigue the last 4 years have put on me has me looking towards the future. Can she be a good partner to me if I need to be her caretaker? How can I ask someone to Marry me and be the mother of my children if she makes me feel this way?

This has been my first post. I would like to hope it's not the last post either as part of me wants to be able to make this work. Yet the other part knows im on a repetitive cycle. I'm just...stuck. I feel like im being emotionally held hostage.

[Juantelamela]

I feel like I'm stuck.

My girlfriend found out at the end of the year that what she thought was Bipolar Disorder was actually BPD. She felt awful that she was living misdiagnosed for so long and lamenting all the time wasted she could have been seeking proper treatment. I did my own research after the diagnosis and was shocked to see how accurate everything was to our relationship, but even more shocked in learning the types of struggles she was going through in her own mind.

We've been together a total of 4 years now, moved in together within the first. Her immediate and almost obsessive need to spend as much time as possible with me was the first sign I thought something was wrong but I honestly was just enjoying the fact that such a beautiful woman was so into me. We share the same goals of finding a partner, to marry, and have kids with, but she's a little more enthusiastic about getting to that point sooner rather than later.

More warning signs would pop up; like her going through my text messages and social media profile and asking me about every single female friend who I assumed she was threatened by. Majority of them are cousins. She would be upset if a TV show or Movie scene has a focus on an attractive females body, going as far as changing the show entirely during the scene if I'm watching it, yet she has no problem openly gawking at the screen when a buff looking shirtless guy appears. If I'm paying attention to my phone for more than half a minute, god forbid I start typing something, she will ask "Who are you texting?" making the assumption I'm even writing a text. Because of that, I've had to keep my phone permanently on mute because the app notifications and text sounds seem to trigger her.

I've spent the whole relationship making adjustments on myself to keep her from getting triggered so the relationship can stay happy and fight free like it started, but it feels like its never enough. If I want to try and unwind and have time to myself to indulge in a video game, she ends up eventually getting bored and her options end up being to either bug me while I'm trying to do my own thing or she goes to the other room to browse social media until something ends up triggering her and she comes to me with the new tone for the evening.

She knows how I feel about this merry-go-round of emotions she's putting me through. She knows how tired and drained she has been leaving me lately. This morning she woke me up in the middle of the night because she was stuck in her head unable to sleep. She wanted to get intimate but was frustrated when she could tell I was clearly half-asleep and wouldn't be able to perform. She spent the next 45 minutes stomping around, slamming doors as she entered and exited. It seemed pretty clear she didnt want me sleeping. Thinking I had fallen asleep, she stood by the bed and announced to me that she was angry at me. I could only respond with "well now you brought me to your level because im angry at you to". She didnt think I had heard her and immediately began apologizing and trying to cuddle with me while I kept refusing her.

Well we're both at work now. Haven't spoken to her since the incident this morning. We usually would Snap eachother updates of our workdays but she's radio silent, as am I. At this point I'm not sure what to do. My love for her is still there, but I feel hollow. I've got no fight left. We've only recently discovered BPD was her problem, but I've been getting emotionally bullied this whole time. Do I stay and try and help more now that we know its BPD? Part of me feels like I should, but the pain and fatigue the last 4 years have put on me has me looking towards the future. Can she be a good partner to me if I need to be her caretaker? How can I ask someone to Marry me and be the mother of my children if she makes me feel this way?

This has been my first post. I would like to hope it's not the last post either as part of me wants to be able to make this work. Yet the other part knows im on a repetitive cycle. I'm just...stuck. I feel like im being emotionally held hostage.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome, we're glad to have you here though of course we all wish our situations were better.

There is a wonderful Tools and Skills workshop board that has many fine threads.  Here is the link and they will be sure to educate you and guide you on improved relationship skills.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0

They're all helpful but I want to draw your attention to the two topics on Boundaries.  We all thought boundaries were for the other person to abide by.  Actually, boundaries are for us.  Why?  Because people with BPD (pwBPD) typically resist and fight against others setting limits on them.  So we encourage a different approach.

Boundaries are for us.  You'll read several examples how we can construct firm boundaries but I've always liked my simplified example or pattern.  Rather than bluntly say "Do this!" or "Don't do that!" (likely to meet intense resistance and resentment) this alternate approach should reverse the tables and make our boundaries about our response to poor behaviors, "If you (action) do or don't do ___ then I (response)will do or not do ___."  Ponder that.  Your boundary is that you state what will happen - your response - when a poor behavior occurs.

Maybe you will leave for an appropriate length of time.  Or whatever is an appropriate response.  The point is that the message is clear, you will not let poor behavior continue around you.

Of course, this may not work.  If your relationship continues downhill, then yes it may end, but at least you won't be appeasing or tolerating abusive behavior, whether mild or extreme.

One caution... You don't have children together at this point.  Children are a lifetime obligation, especially the first two decades.  I was ignorant of a simple bit of advice, and paid the price when she refused to work with me and our relationship predictably imploded.  Having children does not fix serious relationship issues or a person's mental dysfunction.  Rather it makes everything more complicated and more difficult, especially if the relationship later fails.

Before you marry, before you have children, research acting-out relationships such as BPD, inform yourself of all it involves, learn needed tools, skills and strategies.  Here in peer support you will learn much and it can supplement the aid you get locally and in person with therapists or counselors.

[hankmorgan]

Ooof. This sounds familiar. I hope it's okay for me to answer by sharing a little of my experience. For me - and it took me a long time to work this out - it came down to a choice.

I knew I could continue the relationship by being the person my Ex wanted/expected me to be. It wasn't really pretending, but there were aspects of who I was that couldn't be expressed in the context of our relationship. Realizing this, I had to choose between pursuing my own wholeness (which has been a monumental journey in itself) or continuing in my "role" within our relationship. 

When I decided that self-discovery and self-expression were values that I would no longer compromise, I didn't have to break up with her. She dramatically ended our 6-year marriage within two weeks. And (so that your imagination doesn't run wild with what-did-he-do questions) all I did was try to express my more vulnerable feelings into our marriage.

Any good relationship will make space for the self-discovery and self-expression of its participants. You should work on knowing and expressing yourself and let the chips fall. But be warned, many BPD people will interpret this pursuit as an assault on them, and respond as someone being assaulted.

It was helpful for me knowing that I was pursuing something that would make me capable of much more love and connection. Without that to encourage me, I'm not sure how I would have handled the drama and pain of our breakup.