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Author Topic: can i reverse a breakup where i'm already devalued and probably discarded?  (Read 801 times)
vetememes

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« on: March 10, 2023, 01:37:30 AM »

hello, the title stated the main issue but please let me elaborate further on the situation

i dated this girl for 7 months and i get into this relationship fully knowing that she has BPD (diagnosed). i myself fall under the anxious spectrum. during those times, we always had problems with communicating feelings. most of our problems usually goes like this: she did something that made me uncomfortable (eg: having affectionate physical contact from a guy she just met at a party while i'm waiting for her outside, wanting to go out with her ex flings but explicitly not wanting me to come, etc) and when i told her i'm uncomfortable and/or hurt with the issue, she would be absolutely quiet and ignoring me before breaking down crying and pushing me away, even asking to break up multiple times.

i do admit that the way i'm telling her about how i feel or how it hurt me might be too hard on her, as she said she feel stressed out and her traume triggered whenever we had those conversation and that's the reason why she always inevitably broke down.

the pattern of our argument is this: i try to tell her how i feel > she became quiet and ignores me > i keep nagging her to say something > she breaks down and cry, often asking to break up.

in the past, every time this happens i always try to mend the bridge and be the person who reach out to her, showing her that i'm there for her. i also changed my communication style overtime from being visibly upset into firm but not upset, from firm but not upset to calmly and affectionately explaining, from calmly and affectionately explaining to telling her in casual and loving manner; all of them are based on her requests on how i should change my way of communicating to her.

i also asked her that, while i understand that she sometime needs space, i also need her to do so in a healthy way. i told her that instead of suddenly ignoring and be quiet to me throughout my repeated attempts to reach her, she could say explicitly to me that she needs space to calm herself down, give me a form of reassurance and then reach out to me when she's ready to talk again. i told her if she done this, i would respect her instead of being anxious out of her silence. unfortunately, she never accomplished this because according to her, she's too stressed out and triggered during the argument to do any of that.

until the breakup, which is around 3 weeks ago.

the reason of the breakup is exactly the same as usual. i tell her how i felt about the things she done in a very calm tone, she ignores and get quiet on me, i tried to give her space for a short while, and when i try to reach back to her in an affectionate way she brushed me off and i told her that i've tried and i did my part, and i need her to do her part too. in which she start crying afterwards, not even wanting to look at me. and eventually, she wanted to break up. this time, i feel like a switch is flipped in her and she became cold, quiet and distant. the only thing she wanted to do was to get away from me.

so we take space for a while, time away from each other.

after that time passed, i reached back to her and she said she still wants to break up. at that time i still believed i can mend the bridge, so i came and see her in person. in the meeting, i can feel that she have mixed feelings. sure, the initial exterior is cold and quiet, but after talking for a while that exterior start to break down, she was crying and coddled up to me saying she feels lost without me. i also said to her it would hurt me if she gets close to other guys and i asked her how would she feel if it was me who get close to other girls, she didn't said anything but her facial expression is pretty uncomfortable and upset at the thought. we ended up agreeing we will take time to think while being in contact, with honesty and openness to each other too, and afterwards we do something intimate that feels like we're getting closer together again.

during this time, we were still talking and i trust her to be open and honest to me as i am completely honest and open to her. she's still able to see the positives in me even though i can see through our communications that her mind is trying to make everything about me negative. despite that, during this time i still try to show her that i still love her and i'm not going anywhere and we even met again and had a good time together.

this period of communication ended due to her family issue, the issue being her parental figure is a huge racist while i'm a dark skinned person and her parental figure is also a huge classist who thinks i'm from a poor family because i don't drive a car everywhere (i simply prefer the socio-environmental benefit of public transport and walkable city. also, her family is actually in a lesser financial condition than me). this led to her getting pressure from her family for being still in contact with me.

and after that issue, i feel like the devaluation of me has taken a strong hold in her mind. she suddenly stopped all communication. all my texts are ignored and she never answered my call again. when we accidentally met, she even blames me for the family issue, saying that i'm the one who caused that problem. she also said that her psychiatrist sees her in lighter mood after breaking up with me, while forgetting that in her last session she was dealing with multiple life changing decisions and great amount of uncertainty that have nothing to do with me. on the other hand, when i asked her about the good times we've had she said that it's so little compared to the bad. even when i asked her about the times we met after the breakup and everything we talked about, she simply said (verbatim quote) "i don't remember anything about that day"

and as an addendum from my perspective, i just found out recently that she has not kept her words on being open and honest to me because she apparently lied to me about something she said she's already honest about. i am disappointed with the lie, but honestly not surprised at the action she covered up because what she did aligned perfectly with behaviour pattern of a person with BPD; the need of external validations and in her case, men finding her physically attractive.


i know at this stage it might be hard for me to reverse her devaluation, but i really harbor no ill intent or negative thoughts about her. what i'm trying to achieve is for her to not see me that negatively anymore, and for her to be honest with me so i can tell her that it's okay because i know what i signed up for when i decide to be in a relationship with someone who is diagnosed with BPD.

is there any way to achieve this? thank you so much for reading and any future advice
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tina7868
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« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2023, 12:00:18 PM »

Hi! Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your story. There are more experienced board members who will be able to give you concrete tips on how to communicate with your ex when you feel you are devaluated.

What I wonder after reading your post is how you feel with regards to this situation. You seem to be in tune with when she feels stressed and triggered, but what do you feel about the ways in which you have been treated?
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vetememes

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« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2023, 01:02:25 PM »

hi tina, thank you for your response

sometimes i feel upset and i feel like i have to defend myself, which i know is a mistake when it comes to handling pwBPD. i try to do the SET method as often as i can, but unfortunately (and i really hate myself for this) sometimes i fall short.

this is not my first relationship with person with cluster b complex (one of my ex is ASPD with BPD traits), so i know what i signed up for. it's just that i never got split black this badly before by my pwBPD
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uncleflo

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« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2023, 01:47:32 PM »

hi tina, thank you for your response

sometimes i feel upset and i feel like i have to defend myself, which i know is a mistake when it comes to handling pwBPD. i try to do the SET method as often as i can, but unfortunately (and i really hate myself for this) sometimes i fall short.

this is not my first relationship with person with cluster b complex (one of my ex is ASPD with BPD traits), so i know what i signed up for. it's just that i never got split black this badly before by my pwBPD

No need to hate yourself for falling short, my friend!! We have all fallen short when dealing with somebody with pwBPD, myself included. I have set the goal to not lose my cool countless times and then find myself doing just that, sitting in a chair wondering, "WTF just happened?". It's a rollercoaster.

The key thing, methinks, is to continue to take care of yourself in these darker moments and to know when to walk away to protect your heart. You're doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult, sometimes volatile situation and it's hard to follow the rules when the rules are always changing, right?

We're all here to support you whenever you need it. Take care of yourself.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Uncle
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Rev
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« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2023, 01:59:11 PM »

No need to hate yourself for falling short, my friend!! We have all fallen short when dealing with somebody with pwBPD, myself included. I have set the goal to not lose my cool countless times and then find myself doing just that, sitting in a chair wondering, "WTF just happened?". It's a rollercoaster.

The key thing, methinks, is to continue to take care of yourself in these darker moments and to know when to walk away to protect your heart. You're doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult, sometimes volatile situation and it's hard to follow the rules when the rules are always changing, right?

We're all here to support you whenever you need it. Take care of yourself.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Uncle

Ditto... Ditto... Ditto

It all boils down to deciding what you will and will not endure; and how much of it and for how long you will endure it.

If you don't get  answers to those questions it becomes too easy to get blindsided. pwBPD don't change so much as need to be managed. Some accept that - others can resist being managed to the point that they become abusive.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev
« Last Edit: March 11, 2023, 02:54:37 PM by Rev » Logged
vetememes

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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2023, 01:25:10 AM »

first of all, thank you for the kind words and support from everyone

as for boundaries, i would rather work things out than walking away. no matter how bad things get.

even though to be honest things have gotten pretty bad.

she stills attributes everything negative in her life to me, although i showed her (again, with support and empathy beforehand) that i made an active effort to make it better even though it's not my responsibility anymore. but still she blames me and added some really hurtful words afterwards. fortunately, i sit that down and keep my cool.

furthermore she's kinda showing off in social media that she got romantically close to a friend of mine, in full knowledge that it would hurt me. it's like she wants to hurt me so that i will get away.

i can see that she has clearly painted me black as sin, is there anything i can do to reverse her devaluation? some people i know suggested distance, new achievements and/or showing happiness. some suggested lovebombing and staying to show i still care and love her.

oh and there's another detail; last time i met her i told her that i will still love her forever. and in response to that, there's a visible but very subtle facial expression change before she said "i still don't believe that"
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tina7868
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« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2023, 09:20:54 AM »

Excerpt
i can see that she has clearly painted me black as sin, is there anything i can do to reverse her devaluation? some people i know suggested distance, new achievements and/or showing happiness. some suggested lovebombing and staying to show i still care and love her

It shows from the way you write that you care a lot about her. I also highlight how you are clear about what you want.

You propose two different approaches here. I believe there is no right answer. Here are a few things that could be helpful to ponder.

How do each of these approaches make YOU feel? Does either elicit anxiety within you? With which one do you feel more at peace? I think that the first thing for you to consider is how YOU feel, because it’s important for you to take care of yourself, even if ultimately your intention is smoothing things over. It’s a more sustainable approach in the long run.

Once you’ve thought about that, you could consider what has your history been like with her? What type of approach have you tried before and how did they work out? You know her better than anyone here, and exploring objectively how she might receive different approaches might be helpful (although you can never truly predict someone’s behaviour!).
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vetememes

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« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2023, 02:57:24 PM »

How do each of these approaches make YOU feel? Does either elicit anxiety within you? With which one do you feel more at peace? I think that the first thing for you to consider is how YOU feel, because it’s important for you to take care of yourself, even if ultimately your intention is smoothing things over. It’s a more sustainable approach in the long run.

Once you’ve thought about that, you could consider what has your history been like with her? What type of approach have you tried before and how did they work out? You know her better than anyone here, and exploring objectively how she might receive different approaches might be helpful (although you can never truly predict someone’s behaviour!).

if it was solely up to me, i'd like to go run towards her with everything she ever wanted in hand, i don't care if i need to completely empty my bank account. i want to show her that i'm here, i'm not going anywhere because i will keep my promise of loving her forever. i want to tell her that i learned my approach of trying to tear her stonewall down is doing more harm than good to the relationship and we should work with a couple therapist on how to handle conflict where she'll be comfortable enough to open up and i'm not anxious due to the absolute blackout of communication.

but her attachment style is more of an avoidant one. all of our fights in the past that blew out of proportion usually goes like; i mentioned things she did that bothers me, she would shutdown, i would try to reach her affectionately, she would brush off my attempts and that would make me feel unappreciated, which leads to me feeling worse and in turn made her feel even worse.

if i add the current devaluation cycle into the dynamic, it would make it even harder. even my best attempt in the earlier days of the current break-up mode, where it ended pretty nicely and on a good note, is forgotten by the next day due to her lack of emotional permanence at this phase. or even maybe she intentionally remove the emotion she felt  the day before due to the devaluation.

while on the other hand if i put some distance between us (which what i heard is one of the best ways to reverse devaluation), i'm worried if it will justify the devaluation in her head because now i'm not only the perceived bad person who she believe will leave her, but the actual bad person who actually left her.

if i was to think how to handle her future break up cycles, i already have a clear idea on what to do. but first and foremost what i need to handle is the current devaluation and the very high possibility of discard at this moment. and honestly, while i think it would be better if i give distance, i'm worried at the possibilities of things going wrong when i do it.
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uncleflo

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« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2023, 03:09:49 PM »


while on the other hand if i put some distance between us (which what i heard is one of the best ways to reverse devaluation), i'm worried if it will justify the devaluation in her head because now i'm not only the perceived bad person who she believe will leave her, but the actual bad person who actually left her.


This. This is exactly what I'm also struggling with, Vete. I decided for the month of March to minimize contact with my wife but I also worry I'm just deepening the feelings of abandonment, deepening the "black," as it were. I'd also love to hear people's perspectives on this choice of creating distance…
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vetememes

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« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2023, 10:19:43 AM »

hello uncleflo,

as others have said, everyone is different and you would know your pwBPD better than anyone else.

for me, my anxiety attachment style leads to me keep nagging my pwBPD. and after i consulted with my previous BPD ex; it does feel suffocating to them, especially when their devaluation of me have made them not wanting to have anything to do with me.

it is a bit of catch 22 situation, really. you take steps back and they'll leave because they think you've abandoned them. you stay close and they'll leave because you're suffocating them.

so i'm still waiting for a more knowledgeable member to weigh in
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Rev
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« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2023, 04:43:00 PM »

.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2023, 05:06:39 PM by Rev » Logged
Rev
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« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2023, 05:06:12 PM »



So i'm still waiting for a more knowledgeable member to weigh in


Hey Vetememes

What are you hoping for exactly?

Just a quick note - re my comment above regarding managing these relationships.

Your response seems to equate setting a boundary with walking away. Is that right?

From my POV, a relationship, any relationship really, won't be healthy without boundaries.

What do you think?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev
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Rev
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« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2023, 05:18:26 PM »

This. This is exactly what I'm also struggling with, Vete. I decided for the month of March to minimize contact with my wife but I also worry I'm just deepening the feelings of abandonment, deepening the "black," as it were. I'd also love to hear people's perspectives on this choice of creating distance…

Hi to both of you - Vete and Uncle...

This quote here above I think really typifies what people who are looking to improve their relationships struggle with ...

On the one hand if I do this... on the other hand if I do that.... hoping to find to perfect balance or silver bullet that solves it.

And here's the rub. What any of us do to reach a person who has a disorder - think about what that word means - is always, always, always a moving target.  In a relationship where someone has issues but is at least consistent in those issues then this reasoning and searching has a chance.  But a dis-order - a personality with a lack of order - is not consistent. That is because BPD is characterized by a lack of something called "object constancy"  - namely "who am I" is a question where the answer can vary from day to day - hour to hour in the more severe cases.   For example, my ex, would go from wanting to BBQ supper one week to needing to be VEGAN the next.  Some days I would literally here I hate you but I love you more than once in a 8 hour period.  

Know this - pwBPD live in what I call "a world of feelings based facts."

So - one thing you could do - once your boundaries are in place - is to try and notice how wide the swings are, how often they occur and how long it takes her to return to a calm and stable place.

Have either of you looked into the tools here?

Thoughts?

Rev

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vetememes

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« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2023, 05:39:58 AM »


What are you hoping for exactly?

Just a quick note - re my comment above regarding managing these relationships.

Your response seems to equate setting a boundary with walking away. Is that right?

From my POV, a relationship, any relationship really, won't be healthy without boundaries.

What do you think?

if you're asking what i'm hoping for in general, it's probably a way to reverse my current stage of devaluation and/or possible discard. in short, i'm hoping she would forgive me for my shortcomings in the past so i can show her how i've changed.

but what i'm hoping for in term of relationship is... well, i just really need her to see me not in such a negative perspective. afterwards, i want to show her that i learned the DBT tool for high conflict couple and found a support group that i won't be nagging her everytime she got triggered and shutdown on me.

along the way, i would also encourage her to get therapy for her BPD and/or general B cluster traits starting with her splitting defense mechanism followed by her constant need for validation (maybe figuring out how to make her feel self-fulfilling) alongside her poor executive control. because those 3 are the main crux of our relationship in the past, of course with the addition of my clinginess and neediness everytime she shut me down during conflicts.

but at this point where she seems to want to have nothing to do with me, the only boundary i feel i can take is walking away and leaving her. but at the same time i really don't want to walk away.

at the time of writing, at this current stage of the breakdown, in addition to getting close to a friend of mine among other guys, she keep posting highly promiscuous things on her social media and no matter how much i try not to be affected, i can't lie that it's affecting me.

i heard the best possible courses of actions i can take right now that will reverse her devaluation of me are creating distance, showing new achievements or even being with a new partner. but it's really hard to not stray from that path with all the things she's currently doing.


So - one thing you could do - once your boundaries are in place - is to try and notice how wide the swings are, how often they occur and how long it takes her to return to a calm and stable place.

Have either of you looked into the tools here?


the swings have never been this wide. i was never devalued this bad before. in the past, it usually takes her 12 hours to a day before reaching out to me.

as of this time, it's been almost a month ever since she began devaluing me and proposing a breakup, around three weeks since she decided to break up even though we had positive in person positive (possible temporary swing back?) and 2 and a half weeks since my value in her eyes took a complete free fall and around a week since our last meeting where i found her hanging with my friends in which i failed to keep composure and in the conversation with her, trying to get her back with me which she might perceive as being needy.

however, during that last meeting when i said to her that i will keep waiting for her, she briefly and subtly shown a facial expression of sadness, as if a part of her wanted to believe that but her fear of abandonment and being inadequate (the latter seems to be a trigger for her) pulling her back.

another update of events is that yesterday during one of her promiscuous post, she written something along the line of "people around me don't want me to get back with my ex" as a justification for her recent behaviour.

i feel like i'm overthinking this to the point i might be in denial, but i also feel like i'm desperate for anything that can get her to stop seeing me this negatively.

as for the tools, yes i have. i have read stop walking on eggshells before and i applied SET in the past with her. i also found the DBT for high conflict couple in the tools section of the lesson thread.
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vetememes

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« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2023, 05:39:19 AM »

an update on the situation,

there is another thing i am struggling with. as for now, i decided to go on no contact to make distance between us and hopefully make her see me in anything but the worst light possible (if someone think this is a bad idea please let me know). she keep posting negative things about me on social media in addition to showing extra promiscuous posts on her social media but i try my best not to be affected by it to maintain distance and give her the space she wanted.

but the thing is, and i don't know why but i keep having nightmares about her. they're all different nightmares but the main theme is her moving further away from me. my nightmares ranges from her posting an even more promiscuous post to gain attention from guys to her posting pictures with a new boyfriend. every single time i would cry and bawl in my dream before waking up with tears across my face and sweat all over my body.

this kinda mess with my sleep pattern because when i have these nightmares i would wake up no matter how little sleep i had.

i don't know if reaching out to her with my problems will be helpful or not. my guess is leaning towards no because i feel currently she really don't care about me and wants me to stay away from her. not to mention that doing so will make her devalue me even worse because i cannot give her space.
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kells76
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« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2023, 09:58:32 AM »

Hey vetememes,

Sleep disturbances can make every other aspect of life really, really difficult -- not just your normal job, motivation, and doing things around the house, but also your emotional regulation, and making wise decisions. I have occasional insomnia and have developed anxiety around falling asleep -- I get it.

It doesn't surprise me that you'd be having nightmares about her right now. However, that doesn't mean that she is the right person to share this issue with -- she won't be able to help you fix it.

However, there are things you can do that are 100% under your control to help manage the sleep issues. And, the nice thing about that is, that once your sleep issues are more managed, that helps your mind be in a more balanced place to make wiser decisions.

(*I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice. Please consult with a medical provider if you aren't sure about whether or not to take a supplement*)

For me, just melatonin did help with falling asleep (I could feel the effect within 30 mins and then could fully fall asleep within an hour or so of taking it), but then I'd fully wake up after about 7-8 hours (when I actually wanted a little more sleep). I found a sleep supplement at a local nutrition shop that had a lower dose of melatonin, but with valerian, hops, ashwaghanda, GABA, an amino acid that I forget, plus a couple other herbs. That one has worked better for my system -- again, I feel the effects within ~30 minutes, am able to fall asleep and stay asleep, and I don't get the "instant awake" that I did from just melatonin.

Long term using it has helped regulate my mood -- probably a combo of the ashwaghanda and getting more regulated sleep. And when my emotions and mood are more stable, I am in a much better place to make wise decisions about the relationships in my life.

So, nutshell version is -- consider doing something 100% under your control to tackle your sleep issues, give it a few weeks, and then compare where you are then with where you've been now. See if that helps you with your decision making about your relationship.

We'll be here, too-

kells76
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« Reply #16 on: March 15, 2023, 05:38:34 PM »

first of all, thank you for the kind words and support from everyone

as for boundaries, i would rather work things out than walking away. no matter how bad things get.

even though to be honest things have gotten pretty bad.

she stills attributes everything negative in her life to me, although i showed her (again, with support and empathy beforehand) that i made an active effort to make it better even though it's not my responsibility anymore. but still she blames me and added some really hurtful words afterwards. fortunately, i sit that down and keep my cool.

furthermore she's kinda showing off in social media that she got romantically close to a friend of mine, in full knowledge that it would hurt me. it's like she wants to hurt me so that i will get away.

i can see that she has clearly painted me black as sin, is there anything i can do to reverse her devaluation? some people i know suggested distance, new achievements and/or showing happiness. some suggested lovebombing and staying to show i still care and love her.

oh and there's another detail; last time i met her i told her that i will still love her forever. and in response to that, there's a visible but very subtle facial expression change before she said "i still don't believe that"


You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. It is pretty much the status quo. All you can do is focus on you and improve you. Additionally, try to be more comfortable with being indifferent and not emotionally reactionary. Showing too much emotion will actually make things worse for you. Keep in mind with the disorder there is a ticking clock for a quota of emotion that can be endured before he or she is triggered. - The best way to deal with this is to practice being firm and indifferent as in do not react emotionally, but also show you are firm in your stance on any given issue.

Also, there is nothing you can do other than let her come to you. That's it. You have no control over that. Accept that and go about your business and focus on you. When she comes back...notice I say when...then be prepared and stay in the frame of mind of firm and indifferent if it is the relationship you want and want to stick with for the long haul.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-
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vetememes

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 11


« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2023, 05:53:25 AM »

Hey vetememes,

Sleep disturbances can make every other aspect of life really, really difficult -- not just your normal job, motivation, and doing things around the house, but also your emotional regulation, and making wise decisions. I have occasional insomnia and have developed anxiety around falling asleep -- I get it.

It doesn't surprise me that you'd be having nightmares about her right now. However, that doesn't mean that she is the right person to share this issue with -- she won't be able to help you fix it.

However, there are things you can do that are 100% under your control to help manage the sleep issues. And, the nice thing about that is, that once your sleep issues are more managed, that helps your mind be in a more balanced place to make wiser decisions.

(*I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice. Please consult with a medical provider if you aren't sure about whether or not to take a supplement*)

For me, just melatonin did help with falling asleep (I could feel the effect within 30 mins and then could fully fall asleep within an hour or so of taking it), but then I'd fully wake up after about 7-8 hours (when I actually wanted a little more sleep). I found a sleep supplement at a local nutrition shop that had a lower dose of melatonin, but with valerian, hops, ashwaghanda, GABA, an amino acid that I forget, plus a couple other herbs. That one has worked better for my system -- again, I feel the effects within ~30 minutes, am able to fall asleep and stay asleep, and I don't get the "instant awake" that I did from just melatonin.

Long term using it has helped regulate my mood -- probably a combo of the ashwaghanda and getting more regulated sleep. And when my emotions and mood are more stable, I am in a much better place to make wise decisions about the relationships in my life.

So, nutshell version is -- consider doing something 100% under your control to tackle your sleep issues, give it a few weeks, and then compare where you are then with where you've been now. See if that helps you with your decision making about your relationship.

We'll be here, too-

kells76

hello kells,

for the sleep i resorted to playing musics my mind associated with positive things to keep the nightmares at bay.

i've only tried it for one night and it works well, i will try doing it again and see if it works. if it doesn't, i will try take melatonin or get professional help for medications. this might be trauma reaction.

but honestly, maybe i just need to hear her voice before going to sleep haha
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vetememes

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 11


« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2023, 06:03:26 AM »



You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. It is pretty much the status quo. All you can do is focus on you and improve you. Additionally, try to be more comfortable with being indifferent and not emotionally reactionary. Showing too much emotion will actually make things worse for you. Keep in mind with the disorder there is a ticking clock for a quota of emotion that can be endured before he or she is triggered. - The best way to deal with this is to practice being firm and indifferent as in do not react emotionally, but also show you are firm in your stance on any given issue.

Also, there is nothing you can do other than let her come to you. That's it. You have no control over that. Accept that and go about your business and focus on you. When she comes back...notice I say when...then be prepared and stay in the frame of mind of firm and indifferent if it is the relationship you want and want to stick with for the long haul.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

hello SC,

i'm wondering when you said showing emotion will make things worse for me, does it means as in my own condition or my effort to reverse the breakup?

and by "coming" i heard that there's a huge chance that she will charm. while she doesn't interact with me (in fact she still blocks me in our main way of communication), she knows that i check her social media every now and then. now i just did earlier today and she posted some questions that asked who is the person that needs her, did her and that person grew apart or did she pushed them away and why haven't she reached out.

could this be her attempt to charm or reinitiate contact? or could this be meant for someone else (if she discarded me and found new FP)? or does this mean she's simply having a meltdown and/or an episode? and if it's the last, should i try to reach her or just let her be? in the past, i was always the one putting majority of effort to mend the bridge and communicating with her so she might be used to waiting for the other party to reach her.
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SinisterComplex
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1019



« Reply #19 on: March 16, 2023, 06:27:54 PM »

hello SC,

i'm wondering when you said showing emotion will make things worse for me, does it means as in my own condition or my effort to reverse the breakup?

and by "coming" i heard that there's a huge chance that she will charm. while she doesn't interact with me (in fact she still blocks me in our main way of communication), she knows that i check her social media every now and then. now i just did earlier today and she posted some questions that asked who is the person that needs her, did her and that person grew apart or did she pushed them away and why haven't she reached out.

could this be her attempt to charm or reinitiate contact? or could this be meant for someone else (if she discarded me and found new FP)? or does this mean she's simply having a meltdown and/or an episode? and if it's the last, should i try to reach her or just let her be? in the past, i was always the one putting majority of effort to mend the bridge and communicating with her so she might be used to waiting for the other party to reach her.

Your efforts to reverse the breakup. I wouldn't worry about what is what. Instead place your focus on what you want and let her contact you directly. Don't play into the game. If you want to reverse the breakup and make it work then you cannot be emotionally reactionary. The more emotional you are the worse you'll make it because the behaviors you receive in return will be even more intense. You'll be S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) tested more and ultimately be treated like an emotional dumping ground. Point is...gain respect by not reacting to the wild behaviors.

You have to realize you do not control anything other than yourself and yourself alone. Focus on you and let everything play out as it will.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
tina7868
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 167



« Reply #20 on: March 17, 2023, 12:37:59 PM »

Excerpt
Also, there is nothing you can do other than let her come to you. That's it. You have no control over that. Accept that and go about your business and focus on you. When she comes back...notice I say when...then be prepared and stay in the frame of mind of firm and indifferent if it is the relationship you want and want to stick with for the long haul.

Excerpt
You have to realize you do not control anything other than yourself and yourself alone. Focus on you and let everything play out as it will.

These insights are gold. In my personal experience, once I truly integrated this point of view, my life improved. Accepting things as they are, focusing on yourself, and evolving, are all aspects that will reap benefit in the long run whether you get back together with this person or not. Notice, also, that none of this means that you deny your own desire of wanting to be with this person. It's a completely valid desire.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2023, 12:57:09 PM by tina7868 » Logged
vetememes

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 11


« Reply #21 on: March 18, 2023, 01:36:54 AM »

Your efforts to reverse the breakup. I wouldn't worry about what is what.

i see, i understand.

sometimes i got it under control but some days my anxiety and stress just flares out so much i can literally feel my stomach acid climbing all the way up to the back of my throat.

and i don't know why but there seems to just be reasons to be stressed days after days. ever since the breakup there have not one peaceful day in my life. there's literally always something that makes my brain rolling, just to various degrees.

for the latest mindbender, a friend of mine shown her new online dating profile and in most of her pictures she wears stuffs i got her and all but one of those pictures are either taken and styled by me or have me in the frame.

i honestly don't know if i should feel betrayed because of obvious reasons or i should feel glad because i know that she knows the best aspect of her, the aspects of her that she think is good enough that she would show off to get attention, is all an extension of me. both are probably true tbh but there's another thing, i also don't understand how she could feel okay to associate herself with me in those pictures while at the same time devaluing me and think everything associated with me is negative.

let her contact you directly. Don't play into the game.

my biggest concern is what if she won't contact me? she told me that she never get back together with an ex and i'm kinda not sure if she's seeing my social media, or she could be watching me through a burner account like my previous BPD ex.

If you want to reverse the breakup and make it work then you cannot be emotionally reactionary. The more emotional you are the worse you'll make it because the behaviors you receive in return will be even more intense. You'll be S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) tested more and ultimately be treated like an emotional dumping ground. Point is...gain respect by not reacting to the wild behaviors.

can you give me examples of not being emotionally reactionary in this case? because i don't think i understand (or maybe i'm overthinking this). is it necessary for me to react, but not emotionally? or is what i believe to be unemotional reaction is actually emotional if i decide to react to something out of my emotion?

and does her posting things that implicitly saying she wished someone (or herself) would reach out count as wild behaviour? especially in the context that she never get back together with

You have to realize you do not control anything other than yourself and yourself alone. Focus on you and let everything play out as it will.

okay, but is there anything, anything at all, that i can do to increase the chance of her reaching out to me, missing me or just stop devaluing me; no matter how small the increased chance is?

i'm terribly sorry if i'm being difficult right now, but i really really appreciate your invaluable input and anything else that you may say going forward.
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vetememes

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 11


« Reply #22 on: March 19, 2023, 12:30:06 AM »

UPDATE

this is going to be more of a rant to be honest...

i met the friend who allegedly is getting close to her and we had a talk. according to him, he's not close to her romantically although they did met multiple times and apparently talk a lot. i think it's pretty common bpd/b cluster behaviour; wanting attention and validation from people and talking badly about me to my friends who approached her.

but what caught me off guard was that my friend, to my surprise, was trying to tell me how much of a horrible person my bpd ex was. he tried to tell me all of her negative behaviors, all her bad past, how that my bpd ex never have any friends that care for her and even try to persuade me to stay away from her by giving me implications of what already happened after the breakup.

well most, if not all of the thing he said i already know. i know how she was outside of a serious relationship. but i also know how she was while being in a serious relationship. so i cannot understand why everyone is being so mean to her and tries their absolute earnest to paint her black in my eyes.

i just want to love her, but it feels like the whole world is telling me that she doesn't deserve love.

i guess that's why i keep coming here to say what's on my mind, this is one of the very very few places i know that won't judge her as a person or me for still wanting to love her.
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