Will I ever get used to these mood changes?

[Bella2798]

I know that for the relationship to work,we both have to work on ourselves. It's a long path though.
There are some times that I can see my partner is in pain, or under a lot of pressure/stress. He's so irritable these moments. And even a little word can cause him to react with huge amount of anger, even with harsh words, suddenly, out of nowhere.
I know this is probably not personal, but I'm wondering is there a time when I don't feel hurt by his words anymore?

(This post is written with lots of emotions, maybe it's a kind of venting. I don't really know myself.)

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[Bella2798]

I'm actually adding an update to this because I've got another question in mind related to this mood swings. It's new to me and I didn't want to make another topic for it, so I'm writing it here.

This is the first time that I've heard from my partner that he will never let anyone in and close to him anymore, even me. I completely know why he's so much insecure. But I'm wondering if it is something common? Like has anyone heard similar stuff?
I'm not sure if I should just count it as a coping mechanism and let him be with it until he feels safe again, or I have to do something (like what? I don't even know) to make the situation clear or anything like that?

[Rev]

Hey there...

Something about your post just tugged at my heartstrings.

Hurtful words hurt.  Even if they are not meant to hurt you because the person using them doesn't mean, they still hurt because we're human and each and every one of us needs validation. Human beings are made like that - we're wired to be interdependent.

So vent away Bella. Vent away. You deserve to hear good things about yourself as much as he deserves to hear good things about himself.

Protect your heart - is something I read here on another thread.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Rev]

I'm actually adding an update to this because I've got another question in mind related to this mood swings. It's new to me and I didn't want to make another topic for it, so I'm writing it here.

This is the first time that I've heard from my partner that he will never let anyone in and close to him anymore, even me. I completely know why he's so much insecure. But I'm wondering if it is something common? Like has anyone heard similar stuff?
I'm not sure if I should just count it as a coping mechanism and let him be with it until he feels safe again, or I have to do something (like what? I don't even know) to make the situation clear or anything like that?

Following my last thread - yes I have heard that.

Remember that BPD is a moving target. It is really hard to get a grip on what to think sometimes.  I'm not really sure what else to tell you expect stay consistent with your boundaries and compassionate in your heart.

Does that make sense?

Maybe you have a follow-up question?

Rev

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Bella, 

Doesn't Bella mean beautiful? You have a beautiful heart, I can hear it in your words. 

Rev, ditto his words to you. I'm sorry that your partner has put that wall up because of his own insecurities and that he's limiting himself to a life that is missing so much, one of them being you.

I certainly understand those mood swings. They're pretty awful, aren't they? How well I remember them. It's like walking in a field full of landmines, and you're afraid of taking the next step for fear you'll accidently step on one.

Your title of this thread,

Will I ever get used to these mood changes?

is very appropriate.  It is a moving target, but in many ways I do hope you can eventually become indifferent to his mood changes. Therein lies some peace for you.

What do you think indifference looks like? Another word that might be easier to understand is emotional distancing. Have you ever heard of that?

Keep hanging in there,
 
Wools

[uncleflo]

I'm actually adding an update to this because I've got another question in mind related to this mood swings. It's new to me and I didn't want to make another topic for it, so I'm writing it here.

This is the first time that I've heard from my partner that he will never let anyone in and close to him anymore, even me. I completely know why he's so much insecure. But I'm wondering if it is something common? Like has anyone heard similar stuff?

I've heard this SO many times with my pwBPD, Bella. Interestingly enough - and I think this is pretty common - when they start to feel even closer to us, they freak out, and pull away due to their abandonment issues. For example, my pwBPD started complaining that I didn't rub her enough, sleep in bed with her enough (she snores and thrashes about in her sleep; I got punched in the nose once and kicked in the, um… area a few times), go out together enough, hold hands enough, do this, do that, etc. I said, "Okay, I'm open to all of it," and started to give her all of it. A week later, she says she doesn't have any feelings for me and shut me out. I am as black as an eclipse ever since. 

The key is to not take any of the cycles personally and keep your balance. I look at a relationship with a BPD partner like we are a buoy in the ocean. Sometimes the waves are high, sometimes low, but we have to stay as much in the middle as possible. There's a book by a monk called Don't Take Your Life Personally. I adapted the title for myself to Don't Take Your Wife Personally and maybe adapting a similar phrase for yourself might help you in these darker moments. 

We're all here for you, my friend.

[Bella2798]

Following my last thread - yes I have heard that.

Remember that BPD is a moving target. It is really hard to get a grip on what to think sometimes.  I'm not really sure what else to tell you expect stay consistent with your boundaries and compassionate in your heart.

Does that make sense?

Maybe you have a follow-up question?

Rev

Dear Rev,
Thanks a lot for all the support. I've always been afraid of admitting this, but I really struggle in staying consistent with my boundaries. It's really hard for me to stay where I am, as I'm hurt and the target of his anger with hurtful words. I even question myself and my actions sometimes, wondering if there is really anything in me that can be changed.
I try to remember what you said these times, to keep my boundaries and be compassionate in my heart.

[Bella2798]

Hi Bella, 

Doesn't Bella mean beautiful? You have a beautiful heart, I can hear it in your words. 

Rev, ditto his words to you. I'm sorry that your partner has put that wall up because of his own insecurities and that he's limiting himself to a life that is missing so much, one of them being you.

I certainly understand those mood swings. They're pretty awful, aren't they? How well I remember them. It's like walking in a field full of landmines, and you're afraid of taking the next step for fear you'll accidently step on one.

Your title of this thread,  is very appropriate.  It is a moving target, but in many ways I do hope you can eventually become indifferent to his mood changes. Therein lies some peace for you.

What do you think indifference looks like? Another word that might be easier to understand is emotional distancing. Have you ever heard of that?

Keep hanging in there,
 
Wools

Dear Woolspinner;
Thank you for your kind words. :-)
Sometimes there's much pain in me that I think I can never get familiar with all these mood swings.
I'm not sure about what you mean by emotional distancing. I'm going to google it but I would be so happy if you have time and explain it to me.

[Bella2798]

I've heard this SO many times with my pwBPD, Bella. Interestingly enough - and I think this is pretty common - when they start to feel even closer to us, they freak out, and pull away due to their abandonment issues. For example, my pwBPD started complaining that I didn't rub her enough, sleep in bed with her enough (she snores and thrashes about in her sleep; I got punched in the nose once and kicked in the, um… area a few times), go out together enough, hold hands enough, do this, do that, etc. I said, "Okay, I'm open to all of it," and started to give her all of it. A week later, she says she doesn't have any feelings for me and shut me out. I am as black as an eclipse ever since. 

The key is to not take any of the cycles personally and keep your balance. I look at a relationship with a BPD partner like we are a buoy in the ocean. Sometimes the waves are high, sometimes low, but we have to stay as much in the middle as possible. There's a book by a monk called Don't Take Your Life Personally. I adapted the title for myself to Don't Take Your Wife Personally and maybe adapting a similar phrase for yourself might help you in these darker moments. 

We're all here for you, my friend.

Your post brought me laugh and tears at the same time. It was such a good feeling to hear that someone actually tells me they're here for me. :-)
I think I'm not as strong as I used to be. There were a time when I didn't take some specific behaviors personally too. But it seems these days I'm more fragile than ever, always ready to cry. I hope I can regain my balance. :-)

[Bella2798]

Um... I decided to make the best use of this topic about my partner's mood swings and keep continuing it instead of writing a new one each time. Maybe it gives me a better insight. And also it seems that most of our problems comes from this.

He's been kinda nonverbal since yesterday because he doesn't have the energy to talk and communicate. He even stopped talking to me for a while (and it was fine). He felt a little better at night, as he said because he could manage to do some chores he had to do, and it was a good source of dopamine for him.

We were closer again, just before I used a word like "homemade" (in our native language) that made him VERY mad. He was very angry for some time, telling me hurtful things, and then came back a bit calmer apologizing but he said he wants a break up because he has no feelings for me.
All happened in only 15 minutes.

This is definitely not the first time and it probably won't be the last, but still I feel shocked and paralyzed.
It's also so hard to maintain my boundaries. I feel an urge to apologize, to tell him I will use better words and try to learn how to talk, but at the same time I know it won't help, and I'm too hurt to do so.

I just told him I understand how he feels and I'm sorry a word I used made him this much angry. And he's not a bad person for not being able to control his anger.
He said goodbye and I didn't answer. Still shocked, and I just don't know what is my role here now.

[Bella2798]

Got blocked today. Funny thing he says I really hurt him and he hurts me too. The point is I don't see where I hurt him and how could it happen just in 15 minutes. Maybe there were something I missed before.

[Bella2798]

After a day I got unblocked by him at night. But still seems I'm after every move he makes to find clues, and I'm trying to guess what he wants.
I'm gathering all the courage I can have to talk to him about what I think about his splitting behavior. I was thinking he's confused by it too.
There are also some autistic traits in him, which kind of explains why he gets angry in with my way of talking (beside being irritated under pressure).
I read something useful in a thread about splitting here, and I guess maybe this can be the case for my partner too: He gets numb with no feeling for people because of depression, he gets triggered by some people/situations and becomes irritated, then something happens that makes him angry with me and he can't stand being angry with me and still be in a relationship with me. He's either in love with me and all's fine or he's angry at me and wants to leave. So he leaves to protects himself from all the bad feelings (feeling guilty for attacking me verbally, for being angry at my way of talking, etc).

I hope someone can give me feedback if I'm assuming this wrong (in the means of BPD, of course people are different)

[Bella2798]

Another update to the situation:
Last night he was sharing about his findings on his mental illnesses. I reminded him something, and he liked my message. Then said that the fact that he's not answering me is not because he's not on the speaking terms with me. It's because he doesn't want the break up to be harder than it is for me, and for me to think wow such a good person he is and everything is fine between us, because he is not a good person and nothing is okay between us.
I told him that I would like to work on whatever has happened, but I understand if he wants to focus on himself only as the situation for him is not fine at all. He said the situation is fine (while he was talking otherwise on his account just before, and well I knew the situation!)

The funny thing is that I don't understand why nothing is good between us. I just simply can't get why he's playing the role of caring for me in the break up, and simply getting defensive when I tell him I understand his situation.
I've seen this pattern before but I'm unable to understand.

[Rev]

The funny thing is that I don't understand why nothing is good between us. I just simply can't get why he's playing the role of caring for me in the break up, and simply getting defensive when I tell him I understand his situation.
I've seen this pattern before but I'm unable to understand.

Hi Bella,

This is something we all go through and it can be the HARDEST part of it because there's no closure to allow the brain to process the loss. You know why you don't understand?  Because nothing about a BPD situation will make sense in the way you understand what "making sense" is all about.

pwBPD live in a world of feelings based facts. And because their emotions are all over the place, how they process things is also all over the place - and they can feel any number of things from hour to hour even.

This is why you will hear, over and over, to take care of yourself first.  The only closure that you will ever get will be the closure you give yourself. 

Does this make sense?

Hopes this helps.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Rev]

Hi Bella,

This is something we all go through and it can be the HARDEST part of it because there's no closure to allow the brain to process the loss. You know why you don't understand?  Because nothing about a BPD situation will make sense in the way you understand what "making sense" is all about.

pwBPD live in a world of feelings based facts. And because their emotions are all over the place, how they process things is also all over the place - and they can feel any number of things from hour to hour even.

This is why you will hear, over and over, to take care of yourself first.  The only closure that you will ever get will be the closure you give yourself.  These relationships are managed from your perspective of boundaries, therefore.  It really comes down to what you yourself feel you can tolerate. 

Does this make sense?

Hopes this helps.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev