Hi CaptainCat, just joining with everyone else to welcome you to the group
What you're going through is really difficult. It's common to be in a place where we're pretty sure that the pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives isn't giving the full story to others. The "others" can be therapists, other family members, children, you name it. And it can feel like the stakes are high.
I see that you're here on the "Bettering a relationship" board -- sounds like you want to try some different ways forward, ways to maybe make your marriage less bad, and hopefully better? And you are wondering if you sharing information your W's therapist could help your W see things differently -- is that accurate?
While there are different perspectives on contacting your W's therapist, both in terms of legality and in terms of whether it could make things better or worse, what I think we can all agree on is that you finding a therapist of your own will be incredibly helpful as you navigate this new situation (coping with the recent diagnosis).
It makes a lot of sense that you would want to do anything to make things better, to get real help for your W. One thing that has stuck out to me over the years of being on this site, is that when we're dealing with a pwBPD, the tools and skills that can make things better are often non-intuitive and have to be learned. "Normal" moves, "normal" beliefs, and "normal" communication tools can sometimes backfire when we're interacting with a pwBPD.
So, in a "normal" marriage conflict, it might work to do some of what we call
JADE-ing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining). The pwBPD in my life is my husband's kids' mom (not my husband), and I have spent so much time crafting emails/texts to her, that I forget that my H is pretty normal, and that Explaining things to him can make things better! However, if I try to Explain to her why she should support the kids doing XYZ, or if I try to Justify it to her, or Defend that what we did was fine, that is like adding fuel to a fire.
A "normal" idea like "if someone could just explain to her why she is wrong, she will see the light and change" generally won't apply to a pwBPD, as BPD is kind of like a "brain wiring" disorder that impacts perceptions, worldview, and ability to see that one's feelings aren't necessarily facts. Your W may need a much longer timeline, with a lot of trust-building, to be able to hear that kind of thing at all from anyone, and especially from someone she's close to, and have it make an impact. Many pwBPD struggle with deep shame and so "setting them straight" or "telling them the facts" or "getting someone to show them they're wrong" can end up with the pwBPD even more defensive and argumentative against it than before.
There is hope, though. No matter what she does or doesn't do, or says or doesn't say, in therapy, you have 100% control over the support and resources you find for yourself. This message board is a great one, so is a therapist of your own, and so are the articles and workshops we have about the non-intuitive tools and skills it can take to be in a relationship with a pwBPD. A couple of them came to mind for you -- you can check out our Tips section on
When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder, and also our Tools, like this article on
Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating. Definitely let us know your thoughts on those resources.
I really get it that BPD can't be tackled in ways that we think are normal. That can take a bit of time to work through, but as you start trying some different ways to cope with your W's traits and behaviors, it is very possible for things to become less bad.
Keep us posted on how you're doing, and again, welcome;
kells76
