Mixed feelings

[Tortuga50550]

Hi everyone,

This is like a mix of a question and an update on my life. To those who don't know, I'm a university student living currently with my mother and my BPD father. After sometime away, my mother has decided to divorce my father. He's still going to live with us for the moment, since he doesn't have a job nor a place to stay, but this is supposed to be temporary. In the meantime, after some friends convinced him to, he has started therapy for anger issues.

Theses past weeks have been...Quiet. So quiet that it made me stressed. I don't really believe the whole recovery thing, since it's something that he has always been avoiding it an has always deny having problems. His anger isn't normaly focused on me, but the few times it has been, it's always a mix of denying and gaslighting me, and then becoming gentle, and loving, and so, so quiet. Wich is why I guess I've been so anxious: it's usually quiet before a storm. So I'm left wondering when the next storm is coming.

There was also the fact that no one was talking about the divorce, and my parents were acting like normal, wich made me even more nervous (I don't know if it makes sense?) I tried to not puss the issue, but this weekend they talked about it, and while my father wasn't happy, he at least didn't threat my mother or I. They asked me if I wanted to talk about it too, but I decided that I didn't want to: the wounds are too fresh, and it's very likely that I'm not going to be able to stay in control in my emotions. I want to be able to retreat somewhere where my father isn't in case things tourn sour or if I get emotionally hurt, so I prefere the conversation waits for a little bit more.

I wanted to write here, but the thing that happened today with my father is what pushed me towards this forum. I meet my father after class in the fruit shop by chance, and while walking towards home we talked about a friend of mine who had problems with their father (he was very, very, very abusive). And what he had to say, it's that it must have been terrible, and that the father must have been very abusive, he isn't doubting. But that other people then to overdramatize things, and that kids now a days are too sensible, like spoiled children. I didn't want to answer to that, so I changed the conversation. But it deeply hurt me. He's supposed to be in recovery, but he still hasn't taken any responsability of what happened. Instead, I feel that he's being passive-agressive, and I don't know how to fight back. Wich makes me doubt about my self, about my feelings, and obviously, about his therapy.

Thanks for listening