Hi again Jaclyn;
Yes my daughter has a diagnosis of bpd, 2 yrs now. My son has a diagnosis of autism since 5 yes old. My other son is doing well in college and comes home at weekends My husband has the negative symptoms of his diagnosis, (apthy, depression, lack of motivation. So he seems like someone suffering with depression. My daughter blames me for her problems. She feels to much attention was given to my autistic son, when they were children. Yet, when I would ask her what was wrong, back then, I would get the silent treatment. When she was a ýoung child, she would not hug me ever. She completely lacked empathy. This was a red flag to me and at 8 yrs i wanted to have her assessed for autism. She got so angry, did not want to go. I did not force her. And she now saying I neglected her. Her teenage yrs were a nightmare. Mood swings, fighting with school friends, demanding endless clothes, phones,etc.I would go to her room, sit beside her, try to talk to her. Then no answer. Silent. I would come away so frustrated Now she says I neglected her feelings when she was young. She is doing the same now. Blocking unblocking, won't answer texts. Won't go to counciling with me. Her brother is attending the same college as her, he told me he has never seen her there. Her lectures would be at different times to his. Should I keep reaching out to her? She told me she wants to be left alone, for the moment. 'For the moment has lasted over 2 years. Do I give up? I don't want to. She's my daughter. Thanks.
One thing that I have read here on the "child with BPD" board is that parents do the best they can at the time, with the information they have, and "when we know better, we do better". You did the best you could with your D when she was growing up. Some kids are more sensitive than others, so even though all three of your kids were raised in the same environment with similar parenting, they had different outcomes. What happened, happened, and now you have new information, that can help you and your D going forward.
It's a big question that so many parents have -- should you keep reaching out or not. Sometimes the answer is "it depends".
Does she have a mailing address that you know? Some parents will send occasional birthday/holiday cards with a "light" tone; for example, instead of sending long, frequent letters begging for contact, the parent will try sending a "thinking of you on your birthday, hope it's wonderful" or "Sending you my warmest Christmas wishes" -type message, where there is no pressure for the child to respond in any particular way. That can maintain an open door, where your child knows that (a) you haven't forgotten, and (b) there is no pressure from you, you can handle her not reaching out, and you'll still love her.
You can do that with texts, too -- instead of trying to "fix everything" in long, heavy texts, instead try occasionally sending "light" content, like "I saw this article about rescued kittens and thought you'd like it, love from Mom". That can be a way of testing the waters to see where she's at emotionally.
Some parents have bee able to negotiate a contact frequency schedule with their kids. Some kids do, like yours, the "block, unblock, never talk to me again, can I have a ride to school" cycle. The child may push for "never contact me again!", but sometimes you can negotiate that, in a validating way, to "OK, it sounds like you don't want that much contact with me, and that's OK. What I'll do is only text you on your birthday and Christmas. I'm always here for you any time, I love you".
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It's so difficult when you would like to know more about how your D25 is doing and where she's at. One way to look at the time right now is that you both are getting some space to breathe, come back down to baseline, and take care of yourselves. You could think about looking at this time apart as an opportunity to do a lot of reading and learning about the non-intuitive tools and skills for communicating with a pwBPD. One article that came to mind was
Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating in our "Tools" section up top. Your D25 likely has much higher-than-normal validation needs, so communication that may have worked with her brothers probably didn't work with her. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts about the article, and if you think it could apply to your situation.
Keep us posted on how the last few weeks have been for you and your family;
kells76
