I really want to reach out.

[MN_Dude]

Alright its been a month and a half since my ex with suspected ubpd dumped me. I am having better days but every single day there are extreme moments of weakness. Im beginning to breakdown more and I want to check in with her AS A FRIEND, as I think shes back with her ex. And also to gain closure. My head will not let me move on when I feel used. Im constantly thinking about this.

Has anyone tried to reach out for closure? My ex was not like others in this forum. She was never angry at me. She never harmed me or lashed out. She just disappeared out of my life with no goodbye. All she told me was that we were "on 2 different paths." and that she "loves me and cares about my feelings" but she could not talk to me or give me closure. Only texts. Thats what hurts. She could not bring herself to give me closure which as a result has taken everything I love about myself. The temptation to reach out and see how she is, and get closure is super high.

I have hope for her and realize sometimes no contact is the best way for them to contact you. But when she moved across the country and has other things and other people going on, im afraid she never will. That kills me to think ill never hear from her again. I am still in love with her even though it makes me sound like an idiot.

[Rev]

Has anyone tried to reach out for closure? My ex was not like others in this forum. She was never angry at me. She never harmed me or lashed out. She just disappeared out of my life with no goodbye. All she told me was that we were "on 2 different paths." and that she "loves me and cares about my feelings" but she could not talk to me or give me closure. Only texts. Thats what hurts. She could not bring herself to give me closure which as a result has taken everything I love about myself. The temptation to reach out and see how she is, and get closure is super high.

This is a common pattern. Yes - many of us reach out for closure only to be re-hurt or worse, lured back in. 

Please believe her when she says she will not be able to give you closure.  The only closure you will get is the closure  you decide to give yourself. AND yes... that is part of what makes this so hard.   What she "took" from you - because of her disorder - she is not capable of giving back to you. She spent it already. It's gone. 

You are best to now focus on  your healing. What you "lost" - it will grow back.  Just keep focusing on your healing, your own closure and turn your attention away from your loss.

Hope this makes sense.

Thoughts?

Rev

[MN_Dude]

This is a common pattern. Yes - many of us reach out for closure only to be re-hurt or worse, lured back in. 

Please believe her when she says she will not be able to give you closure.  The only closure you will get is the closure  you decide to give yourself. AND yes... that is part of what makes this so hard.   What she "took" from you - because of her disorder - she is not capable of giving back to you. She spent it already. It's gone. 

You are best to now focus on  your healing. What you "lost" - it will grow back.  Just keep focusing on your healing, your own closure and turn your attention away from your loss.

Hope this makes sense.

Thoughts?

Rev

Thank you. Yes I know what I lost will grow back. I guess what I really miss is the connection we shared before. I miss her as a friend. Like I said she never said anything mean or hurtful to me. What really just hurts is how she ended it. Frankly Im worried about her at times. And also confused why shes happy now and as messed up as it is hoping that doesnt last forever to validate that it wasnt me. Thats my main point I want to know it wasnt me, and I want to know that she cared. I get people move all the time in relationships but the least you can do is end it with a kind heart so the other one isnt spent feeling like I am. I know if I were to reach out she wouldnt say anything mean probably, but I just want her as a friend.

[skaman24]

MN_Dude, I know how hard this feels. I spent countless hours wanting to reach out, to gain closure, to get a better understanding, and to have a friendship. I feel the pain in your words, and the aching you feel inside.

At the same time, you have to ask yourself: is it friendship that I really want, or is it the love and connection that I felt? I convinced myself that I wanted friendship for a long time - until I was able to confess to myself that I really wanted more. She cared about you, yes, but she probably cared about less you than you are feeling (right now) that she once had. I do not know your circumstances other than what you wrote; yet, I’d encourage you to ask yourself: what is your truest intention?

I am pulling for you, MN_Dude.

[once removed]

I have hope for her and realize sometimes no contact is the best way for them to contact you.

try not to think of "no contact" in terms of a way to affect someone else. no contact is really just one of a few tools to use to detach.

Please believe her when she says she will not be able to give you closure. 

the hard thing about this is that this does not only apply to someone with bpd.

an ex romantic partner cannot help you heal.

they are in a different space. they have grieved (to whatever extent) the relationship. their reasoning for leaving may change like the weather.

on top of that, someone who left in the manner that she did, could not possibly more clearly telegraph that they are not in a position to deal with it.

I know if I were to reach out she wouldnt say anything mean probably, but I just want her as a friend.

this is really a very different thing than trying to approach her for closure. more than likely, you cant have both. i would wager that you are not in the emotional space to be prepared for either one at this point in time.

I have hope for her and realize sometimes no contact is the best way for them to contact you.

it is probably true that if you do not contact her, you are more likely to hear from her than if you do.

why?

because when the ice thaws, everyone has regrets about how things ended, and there is a human nature tendency to want to close that book on a better note.

this can be especially true for someone with bpd traits. there is a tendency to want to be held in high regard by you, to not want to be hated by you. people with bpd traits fear that sort of thing, and it is quite often what is behind reaching out down the road; to say "im okay, youre okay".

it may not be foremost in her mind at the moment, but id wager she feels badly about how things ended.

What really just hurts is how she ended it. Frankly Im worried about her at times. And also confused why shes happy now and as messed up as it is hoping that doesnt last forever to validate that it wasnt me. Thats my main point I want to know it wasnt me, and I want to know that she cared.

what this sounds like, to me, is that you want to know, at the end of the day, that you mattered to her, and the way she left suggests (does not necessarily mean) you didnt.

what a lot of us face in the aftermath relationships is a narcissistic wound, that is, an ego blow, and the loss of the sense that we are/were "special". especially when someone leaves in the fashion that she did, and especially when bpd relationships characteristically revolve around the person with bpd traits making us feel so uniquely special.

thats another thing that she cant help you heal, and could very likely make you feel even worse about. it is, without question though, something that you can heal, and especially with support.

I know if I were to reach out she wouldnt say anything mean probably, but I just want her as a friend.

in the early aftermath of my relationship, all i wanted to do was contact her. to this day, im very glad that i never did.

at the time, what really helped me ease that urge, and to give my mind some rest, was to tell myself that i could reach out at any time i wanted. i still could! but that now wasnt the time.

your urge is to reach out from neediness (not to cheapen the fact that you miss your friend). in my experience, it goes well 0% of the time.

if you truly want to be friends with her, that may be a possibility (and it may not be), but its almost certainly not right now, for either of you. if you want to speak to her again, you can, any time you want to, and that time may come, but right now is not the time.

[MN_Dude]

try not to think of "no contact" in terms of a way to affect someone else. no contact is really just one of a few tools to use to detach.

the hard thing about this is that this does not only apply to someone with bpd.

an ex romantic partner cannot help you heal.

they are in a different space. they have grieved (to whatever extent) the relationship. their reasoning for leaving may change like the weather.

on top of that, someone who left in the manner that she did, could not possibly more clearly telegraph that they are not in a position to deal with it.

this is really a very different thing than trying to approach her for closure. more than likely, you cant have both. i would wager that you are not in the emotional space to be prepared for either one at this point in time.

it is probably true that if you do not contact her, you are more likely to hear from her than if you do.

why?

because when the ice thaws, everyone has regrets about how things ended, and there is a human nature tendency to want to close that book on a better note.

this can be especially true for someone with bpd traits. there is a tendency to want to be held in high regard by you, to not want to be hated by you. people with bpd traits fear that sort of thing, and it is quite often what is behind reaching out down the road; to say "im okay, youre okay".

it may not be foremost in her mind at the moment, but id wager she feels badly about how things ended.

what this sounds like, to me, is that you want to know, at the end of the day, that you mattered to her, and the way she left suggests (does not necessarily mean) you didnt.

what a lot of us face in the aftermath relationships is a narcissistic wound, that is, an ego blow, and the loss of the sense that we are/were "special". especially when someone leaves in the fashion that she did, and especially when bpd relationships characteristically revolve around the person with bpd traits making us feel so uniquely special.

thats another thing that she cant help you heal, and could very likely make you feel even worse about. it is, without question though, something that you can heal, and especially with support.

in the early aftermath of my relationship, all i wanted to do was contact her. to this day, im very glad that i never did.

at the time, what really helped me ease that urge, and to give my mind some rest, was to tell myself that i could reach out at any time i wanted. i still could! but that now wasnt the time.

your urge is to reach out from neediness (not to cheapen the fact that you miss your friend). in my experience, it goes well 0% of the time.

if you truly want to be friends with her, that may be a possibility (and it may not be), but its almost certainly not right now, for either of you. if you want to speak to her again, you can, any time you want to, and that time may come, but right now is not the time.

Thank you. Your right, I guess I just want to feel validated. I went through a lot with her and for her. Even during the breakup all I got were texts saying "this has nothing to do with you" and all this other BS that I cant comprehend because its all over a freaking text. I hate this generation and how everyone thinks thats ok.

I feel lonely all day everyday. My job is great but its quite in the office all day long and I just ruminate. I dont have a group of friends, im just a floater that people reach out to on occasion. Ive been insulted badly in my past relationships, used as a rebound, etc. But all of that pain was nowhere near this, because I didnt love those people. Its almost like all the pain from those is amplified x1000 with this one, and its so hard to move on with unanswered questions.

[OKrunch]

I hate this generation and how everyone thinks thats ok.
I agree, its as non confrontational, and throwaway as possible. Things get hard? text and run. Meet an interesting new person? Text and run. We will both one day find a woman who appreciates the traditionalism and chivalry of guys like us MN. Im sure if you were to talk to her again, the story would be vastly different, my EX's reasons change with the wind.


I feel lonely all day everyday. My job is great but its quite in the office all day long and I just ruminate. I dont have a group of friends, im just a floater that people reach out to on occasion. Ive been insulted badly in my past relationships, used as a rebound, etc. But all of that pain was nowhere near this, because I didnt love those people. Its almost like all the pain from those is amplified x1000 with this one, and its so hard to move on with unanswered questions.
The unanswered questions are awful, and they seem to breed like rabbits too. I feel ya there.
Lean into social leaning hobbies, I will be getting back to the climbing gym after i move this week. Good fitness, and lots of cuties at the climbing gym. Win Win.
I also have a lot of time in my day at work, and the amount of time affords me the opportunity to ruminate and post like 5x a day here. So i can sympathize there as well.

[MN_Dude]

Actually been thinking about getting into climbing. One thing I really loved about my ex was she was into all the same hobbies as me. Snowboarding, Mountain Biking, all sorts of outdoorsy stuff. And she was absolutely beautiful. And no it was not mirroring. She was my dream girl for years, I had been crushing on her. The hardest part is this was my goal. to find someone like her, and yet even that failed.

[OKrunch]

Actually been thinking about getting into climbing. One thing I really loved about my ex was she was into all the same hobbies as me. Snowboarding, Mountain Biking, all sorts of outdoorsy stuff. And she was absolutely beautiful. And no it was not mirroring. She was my dream girl for years, I had been crushing on her. The hardest part is this was my goal. to find someone like her, and yet even that failed.

Trust me when I say that me saying this to you is 100% the crow calling the kettle black, because I still feel the exact same way about my Ex.

Even though it wasn't mirroring (and i believe you, because my EX's and my shared interests are definitley mutual and ones we shared before we met), It doesn't mean her interest in these things, and others (like you) done wane and fade.

If she is truly BPD, then you need think of her as fluid, seasonal, and mutable.
Her moods will change, her interests will change, her desires and even view of the histroy of the relationship will change, if she enters a dysregulated state. This is the Jekyll and Hyde dynamic at work. The person that left you is not the person you began a relationship with, but is as the same time. Ying and Yang.
I even see BPD's as "in balance" to a degree.
They are so amazing, talented, sexy, enticing, smart, and literally everything we've ever wanted when we meet them, and when times are good, in the sun, dripping in white paint.
However, the counter balance to that is the dark side of the BPD personality, the lying, personality shifting, scared, angry paranoid and injured child that never got to grow up.
Chaos and Order, Bliss and Angony, in equal measured balance.

Insofar as regular detachment, and breakup self work - look up The Love Chat on Youtube. Rory is an excellent resource and I have personally had a session with him. He is awesome. his videos are very valuable.

Lastly, I cannot reccomend climbing enough. It is both a FULL body workout, it is also a vertical puzzle, you must solve in real time while exerting your body.
Climbing is also very popular with a great many awesome ladies.
10/10 would reccomend.

[MN_Dude]

Trust me when I say that me saying this to you is 100% the crow calling the kettle black, because I still feel the exact same way about my Ex.

Even though it wasn't mirroring (and i believe you, because my EX's and my shared interests are definitley mutual and ones we shared before we met), It doesn't mean her interest in these things, and others (like you) done wane and fade.

If she is truly BPD, then you need think of her as fluid, seasonal, and mutable.
Her moods will change, her interests will change, her desires and even view of the histroy of the relationship will change, if she enters a dysregulated state. This is the Jekyll and Hyde dynamic at work. The person that left you is not the person you began a relationship with, but is as the same time. Ying and Yang.
I even see BPD's as "in balance" to a degree.
They are so amazing, talented, sexy, enticing, smart, and literally everything we've ever wanted when we meet them, and when times are good, in the sun, dripping in white paint.
However, the counter balance to that is the dark side of the BPD personality, the lying, personality shifting, scared, angry paranoid and injured child that never got to grow up.
Chaos and Order, Bliss and Angony, in equal measured balance.

Insofar as regular detachment, and breakup self work - look up The Love Chat on Youtube. Rory is an excellent resource and I have personally had a session with him. He is awesome. his videos are very valuable.

Lastly, I cannot reccomend climbing enough. It is both a FULL body workout, it is also a vertical puzzle, you must solve in real time while exerting your body.
Climbing is also very popular with a great many awesome ladies.
10/10 would reccomend.

I actually have watched that dudes videos quite a bit. Hes got a lot of good things to say.

I guess the thing that keeps me struggling everyday is just wondering if she regrets doing this to me. Or if I ever cross her mind. That fear of not knowing is what is always bringing me down. And I guess its also brought on by my past relationships. Ive never had a healthy ending. Ive gotten ghosted, cheated on, insulted, and never had a single person tell me to my face that they are done with me. Just makes me think im a pretty forgetable guy.

[SinisterComplex]

I actually have watched that dudes videos quite a bit. Hes got a lot of good things to say.

I guess the thing that keeps me struggling everyday is just wondering if she regrets doing this to me. Or if I ever cross her mind. That fear of not knowing is what is always bringing me down. And I guess its also brought on by my past relationships. Ive never had a healthy ending. Ive gotten ghosted, cheated on, insulted, and never had a single person tell me to my face that they are done with me. Just makes me think im a pretty forgetable guy.

I can understand why you would feel that way. I mean honestly man who wouldn't start to think or feel that way with that kind of history. However, to set you straight...you are not a forgettable guy. I know this is hard, but you have to understand that partners who have done this to you cannot face their own shame, guilt, etc. They cannot suffer an ego death and defeat. In truth it ultimately ends up having nothing to do with you and it's made harder because there is nothing you can do about it. You have no control...all you can do is focus on yourself and go about your business. Besides, if someone would disrespect you like this why would you want anything to do with them anyway?

Now something you mention here...the fear of your past. I get being gun shy. However, you are carrying that energy with you and as a result it manifests itself in each relationship. That is your area of opportunity to work on...fight that fear and strive to let go. Easier said than done...for sure.

Again, my friend...please don't be so hard on yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Don Gato]

  Well the emotional lava lamps of the Cluster B disorder spectrum can never be predictable.
I reached out to mine a month after her abrupt monkey branch to a new supply in the most friendly and non threatening way possible, and she called the cops, and filed a protection order against me! This is probably an extreme rare case considering she was definitely more narcissistic than the classic Borderline, but it just shows that you never know what will happen once they split, and paint you black bad parent object. You could have saved their life, and in an instant they will dissociate from ever even knowing you. People who have never been in a relationship like this have no clue.

I actually have watched that dudes videos quite a bit. Hes got a lot of good things to say.

I guess the thing that keeps me struggling everyday is just wondering if she regrets doing this to me. Or if I ever cross her mind. That fear of not knowing is what is always bringing me down. And I guess its also brought on by my past relationships. Ive never had a healthy ending. Ive gotten ghosted, cheated on, insulted, and never had a single person tell me to my face that they are done with me. Just makes me think im a pretty forgetable guy.

[MN_Dude]

I can understand why you would feel that way. I mean honestly man who wouldn't start to think or feel that way with that kind of history. However, to set you straight...you are not a forgettable guy. I know this is hard, but you have to understand that partners who have done this to you cannot face their own shame, guilt, etc. They cannot suffer an ego death and defeat. In truth it ultimately ends up having nothing to do with you and it's made harder because there is nothing you can do about it. You have no control...all you can do is focus on yourself and go about your business. Besides, if someone would disrespect you like this why would you want anything to do with them anyway?

Now something you mention here...the fear of your past. I get being gun shy. However, you are carrying that energy with you and as a result it manifests itself in each relationship. That is your area of opportunity to work on...fight that fear and strive to let go. Easier said than done...for sure.

Again, my friend...please don't be so hard on yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you really. This forum is all that has really kept me going. Nowhere else is understanding or supportive. I dont have anyone else anymore to talk about these things. People think im crazy because its been 2 months.

While we have already unfollowed each other on insta, I noticed yesterday ive officially been blocked. It really happened. She will forget about me forever. I didnt even do anything, haven't contacted her in months.

[OKrunch]

Thank you really. This forum is all that has really kept me going. Nowhere else is understanding or supportive. I dont have anyone else anymore to talk about these things. People think im crazy because its been 2 months.

I know what you mean, here I am at 6.5 months, (for the 2nd time in 3 years!) and i have family and friends give the old "Just get over it". They don't get that these are not normal breakups.

While we have already unfollowed each other on insta, I noticed yesterday ive officially been blocked. It really happened. She will forget about me forever. I didnt even do anything, haven't contacted her in months.

Honestly man, If you got blocked after not reaching out for months, I'd say its because she found herself missing you and chose to close the loop because she was hurting, and rather than deal with those feelings, its easier to block and ignore. I know, because the same thing is happening to me currently, except that I had reached out recently.
Hold fast, the blocking my have been to see if it illicits a response. I have chosen not to do any blocking myself because i feel it conveys a message of hurt and weakness to her.
Just keep focusing on yourself, and it will lessen over time, but be paitent with yourself.

[MN_Dude]

Yeah I was super confused. Honestly I deleted all my posts and deleted instagram like last week but I caved into looking because I was having a rough day. Sure enough, blocked. I wasnt prior to me deleting social media. I know shes back with her ex. It just freakin sucks man. I have to sit here and put in the work to get better but is so damn easy for her. Maybe she blocked me because she views me terribly.

[OKrunch]

Yeah I was super confused. Honestly I deleted all my posts and deleted instagram like last week but I caved into looking because I was having a rough day. Sure enough, blocked. I wasnt prior to me deleting social media. I know shes back with her ex. It just freakin sucks man. I have to sit here and put in the work to get better but is so damn easy for her. Maybe she blocked me because she views me terribly.

She might have done so if she saw you deleted all your stuff. Abandonment is a thing.

[MN_Dude]

She might have done so if she saw you deleted all your stuff. Abandonment is a thing.

I dont know how that would be possible? I mean we havent had any contact in 2 months and she unfollowed me? I archived all my stuff and deleted instagram because I always use it as a distraction from life, and if things arent going well for me, Im not going to cover that up by posting on instagram.

[OKrunch]

I dont know how that would be possible? I mean we havent had any contact in 2 months and she unfollowed me? I archived all my stuff and deleted instagram because I always use it as a distraction from life, and if things arent going well for me, Im not going to cover that up by posting on instagram.

Was your account public or private prior to archiving and deleting stuff?

[MN_Dude]

Was your account public or private prior to archiving and deleting stuff?

Public. My insta was a mess anyways. Felt like a good time to refresh. I just archived every post and changed by profile picture to black. I dont have a timeline of when ill go back, but being away is my way of trying to heal. I shouldnt have caved but I did. I made a little video for my buddy and I wanted to see it and the temptation got the best of me to try to look at her profile, which was now blocked. It stings it really does. If she truly cared for me which she told me she did even during the breakup. Why would she do such a thing.

[OKrunch]

Public. My insta was a mess anyways. Felt like a good time to refresh. I just archived every post and changed by profile picture to black. I dont have a timeline of when ill go back, but being away is my way of trying to heal. I shouldnt have caved but I did. I made a little video for my buddy and I wanted to see it and the temptation got the best of me to try to look at her profile, which was now blocked. It stings it really does. If she truly cared for me which she told me she did even during the breakup. Why would she do such a thing.

"Why would she do such a thing?"
To produce the EXACT result she's getting.
You wondering, pining, hurting and obbsessing.
that was her goal if I had to guess.
I got the 3 page "ill always love you and your son but We cannot be together" letter just after the breakup.
its just meant to keep you invested.

[MN_Dude]

"Why would she do such a thing?"
To produce the EXACT result she's getting.
You wondering, pining, hurting and obbsessing.
that was her goal if I had to guess.
I got the 3 page "ill always love you and your son but We cannot be together" letter just after the breakup.
its just meant to keep you invested.

Well I guess shes winning in that sense but I cant help it. Maybe the reason she blocked me is because she knows im hurting. I really am. I hate being taken for granted and have to heal from things that are not my fault. Like if she "couldnt handle a relationship with me" How can she handle it with her ex. That falls on me.

[OKrunch]

Well I guess shes winning in that sense but I cant help it. Maybe the reason she blocked me is because she knows im hurting. I really am. I hate being taken for granted and have to heal from things that are not my fault. Like if she "couldnt handle a relationship with me" How can she handle it with her ex. That falls on me.

I feel ya, I got told a month and a half ago "I need to focus SOLEY on myself and my daughter, I do not have what it takes to do anything resembling a relationship right now."
She was with a new BF a few weeks later, like that comment never even was uttered.

Shes not doing it as a favor to you. I doubt shes doing it to be malicious or vengeful, but she "can't handle" contact or even seeing your posts, or the fact that you deleted them.

Its the hardest thing to say, because i know how freakin impossible it is, but you gotta focus on yourself.
COnsider yourself lucky she's across the country, not 10min down the road.

[MN_Dude]

I feel ya, I got told a month and a half ago "I need to focus SOLEY on myself and my daughter, I do not have what it takes to do anything resembling a relationship right now."
She was with a new BF a few weeks later, like that comment never even was uttered.

Shes not doing it as a favor to you. I doubt shes doing it to be malicious or vengeful, but she "can't handle" contact or even seeing your posts, or the fact that you deleted them.

Its the hardest thing to say, because i know how freakin impossible it is, but you gotta focus on yourself.
COnsider yourself lucky she's across the country, not 10min down the road.

It almost even harder shes across the country. I have no way of knowing if it even affected her.

[OKrunch]

It almost even harder shes across the country. I have no way of knowing if it even affected her.

It doesn't matter if it does or doesn't.
The best pice of advice I can give from where I'm at in the recovery process is this. Do t try ton mind read or guess what she's thinking or doing. You'll almost always be wrong, and you'll never know if you're right.

[MN_Dude]

It doesn't matter if it does or doesn't.
The best pice of advice I can give from where I'm at in the recovery process is this. Do t try ton mind read or guess what she's thinking or doing. You'll almost always be wrong, and you'll never know if you're right.

So essentially I’m probably wrong that she doesn’t care?

[Couscous]

So essentially I’m probably wrong that she doesn’t care?

It's actually quite possible that you are wrong, although this might make you feel even worse.

Most pwBPD have a fear of engulfment, but they also usually over-immerse themselves in relationships, which then triggers the fear. When they get too close to someone they begin to feel smothered and controlled, or fear that they will lose themselves in the relationship, and this often explains why they end relationships so abruptly. This may have been what happened with her. The fact that she said that she didn't want to hurt you makes me think that this might be the case. 

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-engulfment.htm

[MN_Dude]

It's actually quite possible that you are wrong, although this might make you feel even worse.

Most pwBPD have a fear of engulfment, but they also usually over-immerse themselves in relationships, which then triggers the fear. When they get too close to someone they begin to feel smothered and controlled, or fear that they will lose themselves in the relationship, and this often explains why they end relationships so abruptly. This may have been what happened with her. The fact that she said that she didn't want to hurt you makes me think that this might be the case. 

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-engulfment.htm

So what makes it so easy to go back to the ex?

[Rev]

So what makes it so easy to go back to the ex?

You mean for the person with BPD going back to their ex?

[MN_Dude]

You mean for the person with BPD going back to their ex?

Yea

[Couscous]

So what makes it so easy to go back to the ex?

The ex could be a "distancer" or have an avoidant attachment style.