Introduction, Unsure and on the fence

[Mcr8]

Hi, I am new here. I have been married for 28 years and started dating my wife in high school. We have 3 children 25, 22 and 19. I don’t know if my wife has BPD but there are many of the behaviors that I have come to better understand after reading walking on Eggshells and many choices I made over many years that have fed into it. I have been excessively blamed for pretty much everything from poor behaviors in our kids growing up to the present, all the problems in our marriage, convinced I wasn’t a good dad, and up until 5 months ago when our therapist told us that for some reason my wife and I both believe I was the problem and he was surprised I was on board with that. He said he sees that differently and that we are both equally to blame for the state of our marriage. This is when more bells went off. A friend recommended walking on eggshells. After reading It, it was like an aha moment, but also made me angry at myself for not having a voice, allowing myself to feel brainwashed and how my own avoidant attachment style has helped fuel the consistent unhappy years. The occurrences have escalated and currently taking some time apart rotating weeks in our house and came together to speak once which wasn’t bad. Setting my own boundaries and not sure where to go but don’t want to walk away. Thank you for listening.(Also we have been in some form of therapy for the last 16 years)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chief Drizzt]

Hi!
Saw your post and had to respond since I am in a very similar situation. Been married 33 years - have three kids 30, 26, and 18 - and just recently found out about this issue of BPD.  I read the same book and had the same AHA moment after my wife attempted suicide last February.  My 18 yo daughter’s therapist had mentioned to her to look into BPD and the book “Walking On Eggshells” - and she in turn relayed the info to me.  I would have to say that after reading the book I am about 95% sure that she has it.  She is not aware of it and whenever I mention mental illness she says that’s not her issue but just severely depressed. 

Our biggest issue in our marriage is communication and I would have to say the reason I don’t communicate with her much is because I’m afraid something I say will trigger her or upset her.  Of course I can’t say that because - well - I’m afraid it will upset her.  It would be comical if it weren’t true.

She thinks we messed up raising our kids which I disagree with.  My two oldest our out of the house and have successful careers and my 18yo is finishing up her senior year top of her class and has been accepted to every college she has applied for.  She says they don’t respect us and she thinks they don’t love her.  It’s not true - but she reads everything they do somehow as being against her. 

After the suicide attempt the three of them told me they knew something was up with their mother for years.  The three of them are thick as thieves and I think a lot of it is because they have been “walking on eggshells” a lot while growing up and have had to lean on each other.  My career kept me away from home a lot and when I was home they didn’t want to bring it up to me. The older two (both men) are extremely protective of our daughter.  I suppose I’ve known too but always hoped for the best and made excuses for her behavior. 

Anyway - just wanted to share a little of my situation since you and I seem to be on common ground.  If you have any questions or need to vent - please feel free to do so.  Welcome to the boards.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s a very common theme here for members to have carried the mantle of blame in dysfunctional relationships. People with BPD tend to play the victim role, which casts us either as rescuers or persecutors. This video on the Karpman Triangle explains the dynamic:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=r0b5oCWSBqU

[Smedley Butler]

Our biggest issue in our marriage is communication and I would have to say the reason I don’t communicate with her much is because I’m afraid something I say will trigger her or upset her.  Of course I can’t say that because - well - I’m afraid it will upset her.

I just want to say that your biggest issue isn't communication. Your biggest issue is that your wife is mentally ill and psychologically abusing you. Don't let her off the hook by taking blame yourself. My guess is you are a perfectly fine communicator with everyone else in your life.

Don't worry, I'm not calling you out to be harsh. I've said the same thing myself a million times. But we have to keep reminding ourselves. Hang in there.

[Smedley Butler]

I'm in the same boat as y'all, just a few years behind. Twelve years married with two girls, six and nine. Also trying to stay.

[Chief Drizzt]

Thanks Smedley - I needed to hear that.

[Mcr8]

Thank you Chief Drizzt for sharing your history, it definitely helps make this more real and that what I am experiencing actually occurring. I second guess my emotional awareness and ability to communicate and have thought wow I not emotionally intelligent, but I know that I only bought into that and even believed it because I was always told, she is very persuasive.

As we spend time apart, My wife tells our kids the things wrong with me and how she believes she is treated and gives examples that honestly did not occur that way. I tell the kids that I have boundaries and I am not going to discuss mom and my relationship and share negative things that have occurred because you shouldn't be involved in this. I wont defend myself because that feeds into it. They don't get it yet but we will do a family therapy session to let our adult kids share what they feel and get some guidance.

My wife didn't attempt suicide but several years ago after blaming me for her relationship with our son and him letting her know what he thought, left her feeling like she has nothing to live for and planned to take pills and commit suicide. She shared that and I got her evaluated and she went on medication for a year, but ultimately stopped and the blame for why she felt that way was how I turned kids against her...

Smedley thank you for so simply stating that, it helps me as well and knock my brain back into the direction I need to be focused on.

[Mcr8]

It’s a very common theme here for members to have carried the mantle of blame in dysfunctional relationships. People with BPD tend to play the victim role, which casts us either as rescuers or persecutors. This video on the Karpman Triangle explains the dynamic:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=r0b5oCWSBqU

Thank you Cat Familiar, this is very relatable and helpful.