Not sure how to respond…

[thepixies21]

So tonight I actually had what started out as a meaningful conversation with my BPDh where I told him I was proud of him for trying so hard to better himself and how much I appreciate that. I decided to share a little even, that I grew up in a home where everyone around me had the emotional maturity of a toddler and it was expected of me to regulate their emotions from a young age, and how I don’t know how to not be a “mom”, for a lack of a better way to say it. He appreciated what I said, said he was sorry I had to deal with that, and then things took a turn. He was like “so you see me as an equal partner who pulls their weight right? You’ll promise me that you see me this way?” And this has been a thing he does constantly in the relationship, where I feel backed in a corner and if I say I don’t promise that he spirals and it turns into a huge fight. So I’ve almost always lied since the earlier part of our relationship because the reaction is so hard to deal with. But I’m just done with that. So I told him as tactfully as I could that I love him, I see he is trying hard to be a good partner and that I see so much progress lately, but there have been times when he is depressed that I just can’t rely on him as a partner. It was a risk, but I’m feeling so done lately and I’m at the point where it’s honesty or I snap and leave. And he was super sad, initially accepted what I said, but he keeps asking me over and over “do you really feel that way?” “Do you promise me to see me as an equal?” Like trying to change my mind. It’s driving me nuts! I feel like he’s baiting me to mess up and say the wrong thing so he can be mad. Any advice on this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD are expert at discerning potential put downs, criticisms, subtle slights. Whether or not you intended it, you opened a can of worms talking about other people being emotional toddlers, leading you to take a parental stand in your interactions with them. He likely thought you were insinuating that he too was an emotional toddler.

It happens. Often. I’m frequently accused of criticizing or insulting my husband when I did no such thing, and then if the rhetoric gets ramped up, I have every desire to do what he is accusing me of.

But this leads nowhere good. Nowadays, I catch myself before I step in it, or after I already have, and then refuse to play the game any further.

“I said what I said, and that’s the end of that.” Of course he doesn’t like it, and will try to get me to reengage, but I hold my ground and refuse to participate further. You can’t have an argument with someone who won’t argue.

“Do you promise to see me as an equal?” I might respond by saying, “Why would you ask me this?”

[thepixies21]

People with BPD are expert at discerning potential put downs, criticisms, subtle slights. Whether or not you intended it, you opened a can of worms talking about other people being emotional toddlers, leading you to take a parental stand in your interactions with them. He likely thought you were insinuating that he too was an emotional toddler.

It happens. Often. I’m frequently accused of criticizing or insulting my husband when I did no such thing, and then if the rhetoric gets ramped up, I have every desire to do what he is accusing me of.

But this leads nowhere good. Nowadays, I catch myself before I step in it, or after I already have, and then refuse to play the game any further.

“I said what I said, and that’s the end of that.”

“Do you promise to see me as an equal?” I might respond by saying, “Why would you ask me this?”

I think you made a lot of good points. I think sometimes he can seem like he is so invested and understanding in what I'm saying that it makes me feel safe enough to share some deep stuff, like the family dynamics in my childhood, but it almost always comes back to bite me. I like the idea of just saying "I said what I said." I think that's maybe the best route to go, to just shut it down. If he persists I'll try asking him why he would ask me that. Thanks for the help!

I know why he is asking the question, it's like a reassurance seeking thing, because he can't handle even the slightest thought of me disapproving of him. Sometimes he will do something that I know he knows is going to upset me, and before I can even process what has happened or what he said, he is asking for forgiveness, and saying if I can't forgive him he doesn't know what to do. Like he cuts me off at the knees with my feelings so he doesn't have to hear them. But I know he's not going to change the behaviors, it's just a way to avoid knowing how I feel. But I don't think he really knows that he's doing that or why he is doing it. I think he's just trying to escape pain or discomfort by any means necessary, but it just hurts me and makes me feel like I'm going to scream, and then I avoid him to calm down, and the cycle continues. So I'm going to pick my battles best I can with this, I don't want to be a doormat but I also don't want to get upset and overwhelmed by every little frustrating thing. The mental gymnastics with all of this is so hard.

[Notwendy]

In addition to Cat's point about being sensitive to criticism, the idea of being an equal adult in a partner relationship is important. It may not be 50-50. Understandably, one doesn't want something too skewed such as one person doing everything but it's more like each according to their ability to contribute.

I think this played into some of the consequences of us doing everything for BPD mother. You are correct in terms of being unreliable but her underfunctioning have been harm to her self esteem and not having the opportunity to learn skills as we all stepped in to do them for her.

I think pwBPD tend to feel like victims and even though it appeared we were doing so much for her, she perceived it differently. We can't change that. However, the other side of enabling is that the person who is being enabled remains dependent.

Think of it this way. If your H broke his arm and it was in a  cast, would you ask him to do lift some heavy objects? No ,but does that make him an unequal partner? No, but it means you ask him to do something he can do besides that. He may not be reliable as a caregiver for kids if you have them. I wouldn't leave my BPD mother alone with my kids.

There was an incident when the kids were little and they were hungry. My parents were visiting. It was hectic and I asked BPD mother if she'd make sandwiches. This doesn't sound like a big deal except in our family we don't dare ask her to do anything. She also doesn't do much in the kitchen. The risk of asking her would be she'd get angry at being asked to do something that has been done for her but this time, she stepped up to the task. I could tell she was pleased with herself. There are so many times have we just stepped in to do something rather than ask her due to our concern she would be angry?

I don't fall into that hole of "sharing my feelings" with her if they are negative. It's bound to result in a defensive response. One idea you could say is "I do think of you as my equal partner and would like you to take on these tasks ( things he can do to help you but knowing it's not a big deal if he doesn't or can't- like if BPD mother didn't make sandwiches, I could do it- but I offered her the chance). Due to his BPD, his contribution may be limited and not equal but partnership could be each to his/her ability.

[thepixies21]

I don't fall into that hole of "sharing my feelings" with her if they are negative. It's bound to result in a defensive response. One idea you could say is "I do think of you as my equal partner and would like you to take on these tasks ( things he can do to help you but knowing it's not a big deal if he doesn't or can't- like if BPD mother didn't make sandwiches, I could do it- but I offered her the chance). Due to his BPD, his contribution may be limited and not equal but partnership could be each to his/her ability.

Yeah, normally I don't fall into the trap, but I think I'm just overwhelmed lately because my dad needs spine surgery and he's not doing well and being quite stubborn about everything, and I didn't get to meet with my therapist last week which compounded things further. My husband seems to have bounced back okay, he's not dwelling like he was before the hospitalization which is good. I think it is a better idea to tell him that I see him as an equal partner, but I think I've spent a lot of our relationship placating him, and I promised myself I wouldn't anymore because it just makes me feel awful. But I like the way you framed it, I think in the future I will try that and keep in mind that it's about keeping him functional and motivated, me telling him that I struggle to see him that way doesn't help either of us really.

I feel like his diagnosis of BPD has been a double edged sword. It makes so much sense, and it explains so much. But at the same time it fills me with dread that a lot of these behaviors aren't going to just improve with the right med or the right therapist, it's a lifelong struggle. I know with any mental illness there is the possibility that this is the case. But I think I'm just staring down the barrel of this marriage and trying to decide if I can do this for the long haul. Like I said before, I've been a caregiver for people with personality disorders of some type my whole life, and I just don't know if I can do this, if I'm being honest with myself. I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I want to be able to say that I will stick it out no matter what, but the more I try to convince myself of that, the feeling in my gut telling me I can't seems to gets stronger. I do love him, and I really do want to see what therapy can do, but I have my fears and reservations, and I worry about waking up one day and realizing I let my whole life pass me by. I hope this is normal, I sometimes feel like a bad person for having these thoughts. Although it's nice to have an outlet like this when I feel stuck.

[Cat Familiar]

”I've been a caregiver for people with personality disorders of some type my whole life, and I just don't know if I can do this, if I'm being honest with myself.”

Me too! This is true for many of us here. Behaviors that would send the average person running for the door is just another day for us.

Whether you decide to stay or not, getting off this *not-so-merry go round” is something many of us have done, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Choosing to devote yourself to be a caregiver for someone with mental illness—is a choice. Your choice. Never forget that.

[thepixies21]

Choosing to devote yourself to be a caregiver for someone with mental illness—is a choice. Your choice. Never forget that.

Thank you...I needed to hear that today. :-)