Hi again Easyreader;
Hi Kells 76,
Thank you. I think you nailed it. Your explanation makes sense that pwBPD can go to work and get along with people there better than she does with me (or her father as well). I remember reading on a bipolar kids forum long ago (she has been previously diagnosed as bipolar but I think BPD fits her a whole lot better), that the people closest to the pw with the mental health disorder get much of the fall-out because the close relative can be trusted not to leave. I also see your point about relational disorder as well. That gives me clearness.
As for taking it personally, I think I view it somewhat objectively. I admit, I have to practice breathing during our conversations and I pretend that I am in a plastic vitamin capsule sometimes so that her words just bounce off that shell rather than penetrate. I have found that if I can communicate via text over a period of hours, noting when I have to do a job or be away from the phone for a bit, she at least stays somewhat calm during our conversations. Texting gives me more time to think of how to answer, plus it allows give and take in the conversations. In person conversations tend to be one-sided as she talks most of the time.
I appreciate your help.
Blessings on you and yours.
That's good to hear that you have a few healthy coping mechanisms for communication with your D. Limiting long, in person conversations, and doing texting instead, sounds smart for your relationship -- like you said, it gives you time and space to reply when it's healthy, not under pressure.
It's similar for me when I interact with my H's kids' mom. If it's in person, I just accept that she is going to talk about herself pretty incessantly, and any different opinions from me will get shot down.
I think you're making a positive choice by texting, because it gives the two of you more experiences with neutral-to-positive interactions with each other. You both are gaining examples of communication going "mostly okay" and not escalating. That helps protect the relationship. It may not ever be a "TV movie mother daughter" relationship, but that's OK, because you are making choices to make the relationship you
actually have be the best it can be, no matter how it compares to any other relationship.
Again, now that I think about it, that's kind of similar to things between the kids' mom and me. It's never going to be a "Hollywood movie where the mom and stepmom are best friends and work together" kind of thing... far from it. The "best case scenario" relationship we have is that I don't badmouth her to the kids; if I need to communicate, I send a very structured text message; and I accept that she is deeply insecure and needs to talk about herself a lot, and I let her do that.
It's pretty amazing, and likely good for your relationship, that you're already able to not be reactive and not take things personally. Breathing exercises are difficult for me, so I think you deserve kudos for being able to focus on that in a stressful situation.
Keep us in the loop;
kells76