I am not allowed to have feelings

[outhere]

It's like my uBPDw has a monopoly on emotions so any time I feel upset by something, I can't express it or else she'll have a total meltdown.  Therapy helps, venting helps, thanks for reading!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So she has a total meltdown. How do you respond?

[outhere]

Hi Cat.  I tell her that I have feelings too.  When she melts down now I tell her that I'm not going to be yelled at and leave the room.  The dynamic of our relationship has changed for the better.

[Cat Familiar]

   You can’t control how she behaves, only how you react to her behavior. If she doesn’t get the response she hopes to get, whether positive (complying with her wishes, catering to her emotions, doing what she wants, etc.) or negative (angry outburst, argument, defensiveness, etc.), then over time, her behavioral response will slowly extinguish. (Warning: you have to be consistent and it may take a  of a long time to observe changes for the better.)

[kells76]

Our thread on Extinction Bursts discusses what Cat Familiar brings up:

Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.

Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.

This is OK, as long as we anticipate it, understand it, and are prepared for it.  The same is true for spontaneous recovery.

Glad you are able to notice a positive shift in your relationship dynamics.

[outhere]

Like a crystal ball.  We had a decent conversation this morning where it seemed like she was understanding my boundaries and adjusting accordingly, then moments ago I said "no" in response to her asking me to do something and she totally lost it.  Thanks for the pre-explanations!

[waverider]

Like a crystal ball.  We had a decent conversation this morning where it seemed like she was understanding my boundaries and adjusting accordingly, then moments ago I said "no" in response to her asking me to do something and she totally lost it.  Thanks for the pre-explanations!

My wife treats denials of her needs as tantamount to personal abuse. No matter how much these can be talked through out of the heat of the moment, her immediate reaction in a situation is always that of victim. If you look closely at any of her claims of being bullied and abused by people, of which there is an endless list, most often these are instances of someone objecting too strongly to her hounding and bullying. She is weaponizing victimhood. It can even convince the person protesting (sometimes me) that they were actually in the wrong for being annoyed