The hater phase

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,
My story is very similar to the other stories here so I’ll skip many of the details. Following a few suicidal gestures that were getting worst, she agreed to couples therapy where she was diagnosed with BPD and everything fit. I had never even heard of it before and so I made all the mistakes possible thinking this was good news that he know what it is and it doesn’t require medication (which she worried about). Following this, she went completely into the hater phase, left for her brother’s house and eventually ended up at her mother’s again (the source of the issues). She reaches out to me about twice a week with abusive messages accusing me of various things. What I am wondering is if I am doing the only things possible during this phase:
1) keeping communication lines open;
2) Responding dispassionately but acknowledging her feelings etc (SET); and
3) Setting boundaries - telling her I will not respond to abusive messages and trying to get her to switch to talking on the phone since she is less abusive than when communicating by writing.

Any other suggestions?
She tells me our divorce went through (although I have received no notification) and she is planning to marry someone else soon (haven’t seen her in five months) but when she is triggered its hard to know what’s true and what’s not in terms of what she says and I can’t tell anymore if this is her creating another crisis from which she wants me to save her or not so I remain indifferent.

Grateful for any thoughts.   

[Matty]

Hi,
My story is very similar to the other stories here so I’ll skip many of the details. Following a few suicidal gestures that were getting worst, she agreed to couples therapy where she was diagnosed with BPD and everything fit. I had never even heard of it before and so I made all the mistakes possible thinking this was good news that he know what it is and it doesn’t require medication (which she worried about). Following this, she went completely into the hater phase, left for her brother’s house and eventually ended up at her mother’s again (the source of the issues). She reaches out to me about twice a week with abusive messages accusing me of various things. What I am wondering is if I am doing the only things possible during this phase:
1) keeping communication lines open;
2) Responding dispassionately but acknowledging her feelings etc (SET); and
3) Setting boundaries - telling her I will not respond to abusive messages and trying to get her to switch to talking on the phone since she is less abusive than when communicating by writing.

Any other suggestions?
She tells me our divorce went through (although I have received no notification) and she is planning to marry someone else soon (haven’t seen her in five months) but when she is triggered its hard to know what’s true and what’s not in terms of what she says and I can’t tell anymore if this is her creating another crisis from which she wants me to save her or not so I remain indifferent.

Grateful for any thoughts.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[brokenfrog]

Hey,
All our stories are very similar as you said and we should take strength in this.

I'm currently in the same situation as you, the only thing I'm doing slightly differently that you is that no matter is sent my way I "ignore" (easier said than done!) the comment and simply request that we talk with her therapist being present.

Now, it has not stopped all the situations you've described (we're similar you and me!) but it has "encouraged" her to go see the therapist who is now acting as an in-between.

Putting that buffer in between is important.

Hope it helps. Hang in there.

[Matty]

Thanks for your response. She tells me she has started to see a therapist but by her responses that doesn’t seem to be the case. I was attempting to get us back to couples therapy but as many people on this forum state: couples therapy only works when both parties are willing to reflect on themselves and take responsibility for their actions and she is not anywhere near that point. My only goal at the moment is set a boundary about abusive messages and so I am waiting to see how she responds to that (if ever) but I am not holding my breath.