Why I am so freaking pissed.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Bare with me, this is a lot, since my situation is complicated, but I'll try to be as concise as possible.

So, my friend passed away, from an apparent suicide, and I ended up connecting to his mother. I felt like I could use a friend to connect to about it, and since I had some emotional bandwidth to give her, and some knowledge/wisdom about working through grief, I thought I could be of service.

We ended up hitting it off pretty quick, after some confusion, and we both opened up about a lot of vulnerable stuff. I end up being the one to contact her all the time, at first every few days, then a week, then I had a tough time, so I detached and spent two weeks away from her, and when I came back, she seemed super withdrawn. I chased after her, because she seemed to really enjoy our conversations. I felt like she was withholding from me, since I wasn't around, which I now believe to be true.

But I also had doubts about it, like maybe she just needed space about the issue, about her, son, so I ended up talking about random stuff with her. Anyways, we had weeks where we talked 3 times a week, and we seemed to hit it off, and get close. She often sent me little hearts on the phone, and I was very resistant to giving them back, but after a while, I gave in, I guess because I thought I just trust issues and intimacy issues, that I needed to work on.

So, I connect and we talk a ton, on and off, and I support her, like crazy, and she acts supportive sometimes, and we talk about random stuff, and I offer her wisdom, that I think will help her, and I slowly, have more and more trouble detaching, because she just doesn't seem to get better, not that I was rushing her grief process, I rarely called her out about avoiding it, once in a while I did.

She tries to involve me in her life, like with the whole thing with my friends death, and even says things about her daughters, about the grief, but a lot of times, I also notice, that she doesn't open up a lot, and acts like she's never upset or angry at her son, and makes every little thing in her life about her son, like even other peoples deaths are all about her son. Which I was totally understanding about, and I was kind to her about.

Anyways, time goes on, and I feel more and more drained, and like she is giving less and less, and I eventually start offering unsolicited advice, because I am frustrated, and worn out. I also feel unheard, so I write poems, something, I already did, during this process, but I sort of wanted to be heard by someone about it, so I wrote with more fervor because of it. And I ended up, you know, offering them to her, I thought we could connect about it, she gave me one poem of her own, which I really appreciated.

I also, tried to be supportive of her writing, and I wrote a eulogy for my friend, with my heart put into it. And I wrote all poems with my heart put into it, they were very hard to write, but I put myself into it, to honor my friends memory, to feel heard by others, and to cope with my own grief. So I offer them to her, and I struggle to know if she wants them, she's so wishy washy, and confusing about it. And I keep inquiring, and she keeps accepting, but she rarely says a damned thing about them, she acknowledged like 3/4ths of one poem out of like 5-6 poems, and I gave them to her over the course of like a year, to make it easier on her, I'd hold them back and stuff, since she did find some upsetting. But I figured being upset, is part of this process, and if she's accepting them, then it's okay.

Another thing is when she talks about her daughters, she mostly brags about their careers, and then acts like they are victims a lot.

Another thing, is she constantly escalated our affections saying stuff like "Love, (her name)" at the end of e-mails, and "looking forward to spending another year with you", honestly, it felt inappropriate, considering she was my friends mom, and she was in a vulnerable position, and she had a husband. But, I went with it, and reciprocated some of them, and didn't trust my instincts again, because I figured, I haven't been this close to people in a long time, and maybe this is my own issue. I did have romantic feelings for her a few times, but I restrained it, and didn't act on it.

Next, she proceeds to act like I am a burden, and so I completely back off and give her space, and she ghosts me for 5 months, and this hurt a lot. I open about it, when she comes back to tell me about the memorial. I tell her I am hurt, and I try to make it all work, but I really don't trust her much, because she doesn't really act like my distrust of her, is a concern at all, and doesn't try to alleviate it much, just acts like I am supposed to hit it off with her, and feel completely comfortable again.

So, I try, and I try, to make it work, but she acts so much different, like way different. She withholds important things, she is wishy washy about me being involved with things, she acts like her ex husband's life didn't even matter when he died, and like he was this horrible father (which she convinced my friend of, and was bitter 15 years after he cheated on her), and her daughters were just victim to him dying. She acts cold to me, and doesn't acknowledge my feelings, even though I try to support her.

She is unresponsive, no matter how much time I wait between messages, even though she says she's going to be responsive. Did I get a bit needy and message her more than once a few times? Yep, but it was rare. She knew I was nervous about the memorial, and couldn't talk to me before hand, like I asked, because I needed a little support, and this was like a month beforehand. I mean, I had given her SO much, and she just couldn't bother with me. Her actions just didn't line up with her words, at all. She was acting like I didn't matter, but I figured maybe she was stressed about the memorial.

So, the memorial comes up, and I say I don't want to talk with the online component of the memorial, she also acts like I was supposed to come in person, which I am pretty sure I told her I am not going to, since I deal with agoraphobia. And she tries to get me to talk over video chat, when a few hours before, I said, I don't want to talk. She also asks how I am doing after, and says she feels peace after the memorial, and acts magically cured, ignores me when I say I am depressed. And talks about random trivial stuff instead.

It doesn't make any sense that she is acting magically cured at the memorial, when she told me a month or so before that she kept journaling like I suggested but it never helped, and like she was stuck. And she acted like she was a horrible mother for not being able to make poems and I explained, I had the luxury to do that, because I had free time, and that during other losses I didn't write poems, because I didn't have the time. I tried to console her a lot. And be supportive, and get her to not compare herself with me, and to see the good in her.

Anyways, after all that, I felt so low and degraded, and disregarded, and it all doesn't add up in my mind. How she's acting like this completely different person. She wouldn't even send me the memorial video, that I asked for, so I could rewatch the parts I missed, due to strong emotions. She's acting like this happy social butterfly, and like I am nothing, and this is after we built all this intimacy, and trust (I thought).

There was maybe one time where I was rude to her, because I lost my cool and got frustrated with her, I was cold about her dislike of the month of February, which I thought was a minor thing to be a little mocking about, especially considering I never acted like that before.

I now believe she was love bombing me, sucking me in, using all my concerns for her to get attention. I now believe she used a lot of the wisdom I gave her, to make herself look good at the memorial. That she views herself as a victim, and probably abused and scapegoated my friend who killed himself. I now believe she made her sons memorial all about her getting attention, and to make her son as a victim/saint (using my Eulogy, and the other stuff I told her, I thought her son went through, to help sell it), and scapegoated her ex-husband to escape responsibility. And then discarded me.

She went from being this intimate, close, wonderful friend, to being cold as hell, and couldn't even give me the bare minimum, like the memorial video. I stopped chasing her, and I was done, I wasn't going to be in this one sided relationship, where I'm the one who puts in most of the work first always, where I'm the one who adjusts always. And besides, since I had been in a BPD relationship before, I knew no contact was the way to go.

I realize sometimes I over helped, but I tried to communicate well to avoid that. I realize sometimes I nagged her a bit, because she'd never contact me first, but I figured since she was going through a lot and seemed to enjoy my company, I'd keep contacting her first. But I suppose I sacrificed some of my dignity doing that. Anyways, I just feel like she's degraded my friends memory, by ignoring all the heartfelt poems I gave her, and deflected all the blame away from herself, and going for some popularity contest at the memorial and after, when she's probably the biggest issue in his family, that caused him to be so messed up, as to do that.

I do regret piling on those poems and over helping and such, but I just feel so pissed that she treated me with such disregard and probably did to my friend too. When he really mattered to me. I believe she has some version of BPD/NPD. There's probably many details I missed, but this is the best I can recollect today. His father and him were both codependent. My mind struggles to comprehend how his own mother could act like this over her sons suicide, instead of actually reflecting and becoming a better person.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Bare with me, this is a lot, since my situation is complicated, but I'll try to be as concise as possible.

So, my friend passed away, from an apparent suicide, and I ended up connecting to his mother. I felt like I could use a friend to connect to about it, and since I had some emotional bandwidth to give her, and some knowledge/wisdom about working through grief, I thought I could be of service.

We ended up hitting it off pretty quick, after some confusion, and we both opened up about a lot of vulnerable stuff. I end up being the one to contact her all the time, at first every few days, then a week, then I had a tough time, so I detached and spent two weeks away from her, and when I came back, she seemed super withdrawn. I chased after her, because she seemed to really enjoy our conversations. I felt like she was withholding from me, since I wasn't around, which I now believe to be true.

But I also had doubts about it, like maybe she just needed space about the issue, about her, son, so I ended up talking about random stuff with her. Anyways, we had weeks where we talked 3 times a week, and we seemed to hit it off, and get close. She often sent me little hearts on the phone, and I was very resistant to giving them back, but after a while, I gave in, I guess because I thought I just trust issues and intimacy issues, that I needed to work on.

So, I connect and we talk a ton, on and off, and I support her, like crazy, and she acts supportive sometimes, and we talk about random stuff, and I offer her wisdom, that I think will help her, and I slowly, have more and more trouble detaching, because she just doesn't seem to get better, not that I was rushing her grief process, I rarely called her out about avoiding it, once in a while I did.

She tries to involve me in her life, like with the whole thing with my friends death, and even says things about her daughters, about the grief, but a lot of times, I also notice, that she doesn't open up a lot, and acts like she's never upset or angry at her son, and makes every little thing in her life about her son, like even other peoples deaths are all about her son. Which I was totally understanding about, and I was kind to her about.

Anyways, time goes on, and I feel more and more drained, and like she is giving less and less, and I eventually start offering unsolicited advice, because I am frustrated, and worn out. I also feel unheard, so I write poems, something, I already did, during this process, but I sort of wanted to be heard by someone about it, so I wrote with more fervor because of it. And I ended up, you know, offering them to her, I thought we could connect about it, she gave me one poem of her own, which I really appreciated.

I also, tried to be supportive of her writing, and I wrote a eulogy for my friend, with my heart put into it. And I wrote all poems with my heart put into it, they were very hard to write, but I put myself into it, to honor my friends memory, to feel heard by others, and to cope with my own grief. So I offer them to her, and I struggle to know if she wants them, she's so wishy washy, and confusing about it. And I keep inquiring, and she keeps accepting, but she rarely says a damned thing about them, she acknowledged like 3/4ths of one poem out of like 5-6 poems, and I gave them to her over the course of like a year, to make it easier on her, I'd hold them back and stuff, since she did find some upsetting. But I figured being upset, is part of this process, and if she's accepting them, then it's okay.

Another thing is when she talks about her daughters, she mostly brags about their careers, and then acts like they are victims a lot.

Another thing, is she constantly escalated our affections saying stuff like "Love, (her name)" at the end of e-mails, and "looking forward to spending another year with you", honestly, it felt inappropriate, considering she was my friends mom, and she was in a vulnerable position, and she had a husband. But, I went with it, and reciprocated some of them, and didn't trust my instincts again, because I figured, I haven't been this close to people in a long time, and maybe this is my own issue. I did have romantic feelings for her a few times, but I restrained it, and didn't act on it.

Next, she proceeds to act like I am a burden, and so I completely back off and give her space, and she ghosts me for 5 months, and this hurt a lot. I open about it, when she comes back to tell me about the memorial. I tell her I am hurt, and I try to make it all work, but I really don't trust her much, because she doesn't really act like my distrust of her, is a concern at all, and doesn't try to alleviate it much, just acts like I am supposed to hit it off with her, and feel completely comfortable again.

So, I try, and I try, to make it work, but she acts so much different, like way different. She withholds important things, she is wishy washy about me being involved with things, she acts like her ex husband's life didn't even matter when he died, and like he was this horrible father (which she convinced my friend of, and was bitter 15 years after he cheated on her), and her daughters were just victim to him dying. She acts cold to me, and doesn't acknowledge my feelings, even though I try to support her.

She is unresponsive, no matter how much time I wait between messages, even though she says she's going to be responsive. Did I get a bit needy and message her more than once a few times? Yep, but it was rare. She knew I was nervous about the memorial, and couldn't talk to me before hand, like I asked, because I needed a little support, and this was like a month beforehand. I mean, I had given her SO much, and she just couldn't bother with me. Her actions just didn't line up with her words, at all. She was acting like I didn't matter, but I figured maybe she was stressed about the memorial.

So, the memorial comes up, and I say I don't want to talk with the online component of the memorial, she also acts like I was supposed to come in person, which I am pretty sure I told her I am not going to, since I deal with agoraphobia. And she tries to get me to talk over video chat, when a few hours before, I said, I don't want to talk. She also asks how I am doing after, and says she feels peace after the memorial, and acts magically cured, ignores me when I say I am depressed. And talks about random trivial stuff instead.

It doesn't make any sense that she is acting magically cured at the memorial, when she told me a month or so before that she kept journaling like I suggested but it never helped, and like she was stuck. And she acted like she was a horrible mother for not being able to make poems and I explained, I had the luxury to do that, because I had free time, and that during other losses I didn't write poems, because I didn't have the time. I tried to console her a lot. And be supportive, and get her to not compare herself with me, and to see the good in her.

Anyways, after all that, I felt so low and degraded, and disregarded, and it all doesn't add up in my mind. How she's acting like this completely different person. She wouldn't even send me the memorial video, that I asked for, so I could rewatch the parts I missed, due to strong emotions. She's acting like this happy social butterfly, and like I am nothing, and this is after we built all this intimacy, and trust (I thought).

There was maybe one time where I was rude to her, because I lost my cool and got frustrated with her, I was cold about her dislike of the month of February, which I thought was a minor thing to be a little mocking about, especially considering I never acted like that before.

I now believe she was love bombing me, sucking me in, using all my concerns for her to get attention. I now believe she used a lot of the wisdom I gave her, to make herself look good at the memorial. That she views herself as a victim, and probably abused and scapegoated my friend who killed himself. I now believe she made her sons memorial all about her getting attention, and to make her son as a victim/saint (using my Eulogy, and the other stuff I told her, I thought her son went through, to help sell it), and scapegoated her ex-husband to escape responsibility. And then discarded me.

She went from being this intimate, close, wonderful friend, to being cold as hell, and couldn't even give me the bare minimum, like the memorial video. I stopped chasing her, and I was done, I wasn't going to be in this one sided relationship, where I'm the one who puts in most of the work first always, where I'm the one who adjusts always. And besides, since I had been in a BPD relationship before, I knew no contact was the way to go.

I realize sometimes I over helped, but I tried to communicate well to avoid that. I realize sometimes I nagged her a bit, because she'd never contact me first, but I figured since she was going through a lot and seemed to enjoy my company, I'd keep contacting her first. But I suppose I sacrificed some of my dignity doing that. Anyways, I just feel like she's degraded my friends memory, by ignoring all the heartfelt poems I gave her, and deflected all the blame away from herself, and going for some popularity contest at the memorial and after, when she's probably the biggest issue in his family, that caused him to be so messed up, as to do that.

I do regret piling on those poems and over helping and such, but I just feel so pissed that she treated me with such disregard and probably did to my friend too. When he really mattered to me. I believe she has some version of BPD/NPD. There's probably many details I missed, but this is the best I can recollect today. His father and him were both codependent. My mind struggles to comprehend how his own mother could act like this over her sons suicide, instead of actually reflecting and becoming a better person.