I am NEVER right ...I am ALWAYS wrong

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How could you define "success" for your own situation, no matter what anyone else's looks like? What would feel like the "least worst", but also achievable, possibility?

Thanks for that question.

I would think that if the constant broken record would stop playing. The past continually being trotted out. That would be a start. If we could work through hurt and move on from it, looking to the future that is new and not held back by resentment. If trust could be achieved

If the yelling and screaming would stop. If I could make a point with out being steam rolled. Respect would be nice.

If I could go to the doctors without being accused of picking up nurses. If I could go to the dentist before my teeth fall out. That would be beneficial

If I didn't have to stare at my feet when we leave the house. If I could look at the tv without being on guard to look away at any moment as quickly as possible.

If I could go to work and decide to text my wife when I wanted. Instead of when I am expected to. To be able to do my job without being held back. To be able to talk about my day without being interrogated. To not worry if a women is working in the same office space. To be able to just communicate with people instead of trying to push everyone away so that my wife is comfortable.

To be able to grow old and sick knowing that my wife will care for me and not be angry that I'm sick.

This could go on forever, I guess I would like to see the first thing I stated happen first. If possible

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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And here's the other side of the coin.  The pwBPD looks at us loving them, tolerating them, and it makes them feel empowered.  Why should they try to change if we'll just take the blame for everything?  That tells them we're the problem, the reason for their unhappiness.  So the abuse only gets worse until boundaries go up.  But they fight the boundaries so it gets worse again, and the relationship usually implodes.  We get pushed to the side and they bring their chaos elsewhere.


BPD is heartbreaking, my friends, and these people we see as monsters are the way they are because they hold onto so many unhealthy emotions that tell them we're only around to hurt them, to bring them down.  But a part of them also loves us deeply so they're tormented in this loop of anguish and self-doubt.  It's so heartbreaking and even though I'll divorce in August, I love my wife more than ever before...because I now understand how deeply she's hurt throughout our marriage.  She just hid it so well.  

yes...yes!

The boundaries are hard to hold. My wife is like a wrecking ball. She turns everything on me. Even my need for boundaries in her mind is a need to control. Everything sounds good on paper.

That last paragraph I sighted of yours is just plain true to life. That is BPD. It is heartbreaking and absolutely frustrating at the same time.

[WhoaBaby]

I related to the "I'm always wrong" comment, since the biggest insight of my BPD marriage was when our therapist pointed out that deep down my BPDw felt that "SHE was always the bad guy" and that making me wrong was a compensation, because she couldn't face "everything" being her fault. Maybe some (many?) pwBPDs never get that insight and take responsibility for their actions (still a challenge here).
I love many of the replies, especially Kelly's and Pook who wrote "she had to help herself, she had to want changes for anything to matter."
That was our story too. It has taken 2 1/2 YEARS but she is now much less volatile. She will always be BPD IMO, and I constantly live in fear of it unraveling again. (Welcome to BPD love!)
What changed: 1. I set a boundary that I would always walk away from outbursts, with the promise that I would return to talk about it. BPDs hate abandonment so it was effective to get her to at least try to calm herself, which over two years was increasingly effective, though not much at first. Consistency rules here.
2. It took a year to even get her to see that she was BPD with her therapist, and then want to change.
3. Then she learned distress tolerance with DBT, which along with 4. some heavy anti-depression/anxiety meds has made the most difference. If she hadn't done both I don't think she would have improved.
Not everything is perfect now and will never be, and I have my own post to make (reason I'm online now after long hiatus). It will be a lot of work by both of you but I hope your story will improve.

[kells76]

I would think that if the constant broken record would stop playing. The past continually being trotted out. That would be a start.

That seems like a solid issue to start to focus on for practical problem-solving.

We could look at how things have typically gone in the past, and brainstorm feasible changes.

How long do these broken record/relitigating the past episodes typically last? 5 minutes? 5 hours? Other?

What do you typically say/do during these episodes?

What typically happens to end an episode?

I think WhoaBaby has a good insight about the non's choices re: participation in the episodes. I'll wait to hear back from you before we keep brainstorming!

[I Am Redeemed]

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