I'm feeling more secure in my plans to leave each day.

[thepixies21]

I had a weekend away from everything, and was able to enjoy spending time with my friends, but also just being alone. I went back to the city I lived in before, and I hiked my favorite trail that ends at the beach. I just sat there for a couple hours, just enjoying feeling like I’m at the edge of the world, and there was no time limit except for what I wanted for myself. I got dinner and spent time with my friends, and we spontaneously decided to hang out other places other than what was planned, and I didn’t need to feel panic about it. I spent time in my hotel, just sipping some wine, drawing, and listening to music. I have not felt so comfortable with myself in a long, long time. I shared with my 2 close friends that I was thinking about leaving the relationship, and that I had an appointment with a divorce lawyer coming up. When I explained the situation, they were all shocked, and told me that they supported me, and were surprised that I would stay in this relationship, because it’s so unlike me to put up with things like this. They didn’t really know who I was years ago, and how this person I am now is much more assertive and comfortable on her own that I was back then. But I think it just reinforced that I am not the same person who entered this relationship 14 years ago, and I am just so unhappy in this relationship. And honestly that isn’t fair to him either, to be with someone who is so unhappy to be with him. He has so many good qualities, and I do want the best for him, but I think he is so comfortable letting me take care of him that he has no incentive to better himself. I think we are just not good for each other. I am completely terrified of the conversation, and I’m terrified of how he will react, if he will hurt himself, if I can hold my ground. But I know deep down it is what I want. I’m struggling to keep this part of myself in check that feels like I’m making a selfish choice, and that I’m justifying the divorce to myself, but I really don’t think that’s true when I look at the facts. I am also pretty sad, I do love him, and I don’t ever want him to feel abandoned or betrayed, but that is part of the problem, isn’t it? This isn’t a relationship, I’m a caretaker. And that isn’t sustainable. I can feel it in myself, how I’m not sleeping well, I’m stressed all the time, how I feel like I can’t really live a life.

I think that I am secure in my decision that I want a divorce. Even writing that does make me feel so anxious, but I know it’s true. I think the big issue will be timing. My job right now might be in a little bit of flux, so I need to ride out these administrative changes so I know I have job security and financial security. One major life crisis at a time, right? But obviously I know if I don’t feel safe then it will need to happen sooner rather than later. I have supportive friends and one supportive family member that knows everything and is willing to help me if needed. Oh, man. I think I can do this. Let me just vomit and cry real quick.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi thepixies-

I’ve just finished reading through your history.  I’m deeply sorry for everything you’ve been through with your BPDh… not easy.  And you have been incredibly patient and self-sacrificing these last 14 years.  Most of us here get to the point where we’re forced to (or should) look at our childhoods to see why we are the way we are… it’s a painful process.  I too made myself end certain very lopsided “friendships”.

I’m short on time right now, but just want to say a few things -
First - keep those trusted supportive friends close to your heart, and I believe your aunt as well.  They ARE available for you. I understand you are used to carrying full burdens on your own.  Lean on these loving people (and members here) to help you through this difficult process.  We’re here for you even during times when you’re conflicted.

Second - your H has thrown objects.  This IS a form of domestic violence.   I don’t intend to alarm you, but I didn’t notice whether it was suggested that you contact a DV hotline to discuss the wisest and safest way to inform your BPDh of your decision when the time comes.  Sometimes face to face in the home is NOT the safest way.  In my case, it turned out to be unsafe… and I didn’t use the word “divorce”.

Third-  it would be best to use an attorney who is educated in high conflict divorces.  And even better to use an attorney who understands what BPD behavior involves.  Please remember, just because you’re interviewing attorneys doesn’t mean you’re moving forward right now, so don’t scare yourself.

I know this is scary and you are NOT betraying your H.  I truly believe that despite his diagnosis, he knows his behavior has been incredibly wrong.  He is an adult.  And he has been an adult for the duration of your relationship.  He always had the choice to try and improve himself AND his behavior.

I’m so glad you were able to hike, just breathe and sit at the water’s edge.  Please try to take good care of yourself.  You may not always know this, but you “owe” way more to yourself than you “owe” to your h.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[livednlearned]

Those feelings -- wanting to vomit, needing to cry, feeling unsure -- they're part of the process, completely natural to have when working through a big decision.

I was in a women's group facilitated by two therapists when I was preparing to leave. I felt sick to my stomach with dread nearly every day. The stress was making my hair fall out.

A woman said to me, "This is gym. You're practicing these feelings so when you go through with the decision, when there's no turning back, they don't come at you all at once, unprepared, and knock you over."

I don't know why it was helpful to hear that but it was. Another woman in the group had compared my situation to being on fire, or walking through fire, and it made my stress levels that much higher.

Lovely that you took time to do things for yourself, to help settle your nerves and reconnect with experiences and people that mean something to you. I've been out of my abusive relationship for 13 years now and there are not many days that go by I don't feel pure gratitude. Walking through the doors of my own home without a knot in my stomach, without feeling dread, without wondering what state of emotional chaos was on the other side -- it is priceless.

Feeling safe is a wonderful, wonderful feeling.

Sometimes I check on my ex through acquaintances who are still connected to him and by all appearances he is doing well. It makes me wonder if it was being in a close relationship that made him so unbalanced. I know he's still unwell and not a healthy person by any means. He has an untreated personality disorder and probably will never try to heal what's broken.

I think he always knew being a relationship was a stretch for someone like him. And taking care of a person like that something I needed to go through to realize I'm healthier than that. I crossed a line and chose to live a full life.

Have a plan for taking care of yourself for the day and week when/if you do leave. I planned my exit for a year and while things went a bit sideways, there were a lot of things in place that helped ground me. That way, I wasn't in such a deep free fall and even had the presence of mind to make decisions on my ex's behalf that were clearly designed to demonstrate care. He didn't exactly thank me but later when lawyers were involved he acknowledged things I did to show I was being considerate. It might seem ridiculous to do this with an abuser but when you are wired for caretaking things like this can make it easier to manage that big bag of guilt so you can walk away.

[thepixies21]

Hi thepixies-

I’ve just finished reading through your history.  I’m deeply sorry for everything you’ve been through with your BPDh… not easy.  And you have been incredibly patient and self-sacrificing these last 14 years.  Most of us here get to the point where we’re forced to (or should) look at our childhoods to see why we are the way we are… it’s a painful process.  I too made myself end certain very lopsided “friendships”.

I’m short on time right now, but just want to say a few things -
First - keep those trusted supportive friends close to your heart, and I believe your aunt as well.  They ARE available for you. I understand you are used to carrying full burdens on your own.  Lean on these loving people (and members here) to help you through this difficult process.  We’re here for you even during times when you’re conflicted.

Second - your H has thrown objects.  This IS a form of domestic violence.   I don’t intend to alarm you, but I didn’t notice whether it was suggested that you contact a DV hotline to discuss the wisest and safest way to inform your BPDh of your decision when the time comes.  Sometimes face to face in the home is NOT the safest way.  In my case, it turned out to be unsafe… and I didn’t use the word “divorce”.

Third-  it would be best to use an attorney who is educated in high conflict divorces.  And even better to use an attorney who understands what BPD behavior involves.  Please remember, just because you’re interviewing attorneys doesn’t mean you’re moving forward right now, so don’t scare yourself.

I know this is scary and you are NOT betraying your H.  I truly believe that despite his diagnosis, he knows his behavior has been incredibly wrong.  He is an adult.  And he has been an adult for the duration of your relationship.  He always had the choice to try and improve himself AND his behavior.

I’m so glad you were able to hike, just breathe and sit at the water’s edge.  Please try to take good care of yourself.  You may not always know this, but you “owe” way more to yourself than you “owe” to your h.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hi Gemsforeyes! I so appreciate your response and kind words/reassurance. It is nice to hear that another third party feels that I've been patient with my BPDh. The more I hear it the easier it is to feel that way. And I appreciate this community so much, and I appreciate having my friends and specific family members that I can reach out to that support me no questions asked. I'm really not used to that, but it feels very good to know someone will help me without it feeling transactional.

I am very, very worried about the process of telling him that I want a divorce. I don't think he would resort to any violence, but I need to think about any possibility. I am worried this is going to trigger some kind of survival instinct in him since I 100% support him and I'm telling him this will no longer be the case...I think he will try to guilt, manipulate, and just generally make me feel pretty terrible about this choice. I think he is going to try to make it as difficult and challenging as he can emotionally. I plan to talk with my therapist about how to approach the situation, both a planned conversation and also what to do if I need to leave more suddenly if something that makes me feel unsafe happens. The DV hotline isn't a bad idea, I hadn't thought of that.

I did some research, and the attorney I'm consulting does work with high conflict divorce cases, and they seem to have a fair bit of experience. Just waiting to hear back, I gave them my info and they're just checking to see if there are any conflicts of interest, but I'm newer to the area so I doubt that will be the case.

[thepixies21]

Have a plan for taking care of yourself for the day and week when/if you do leave. I planned my exit for a year and while things went a bit sideways, there were a lot of things in place that helped ground me. That way, I wasn't in such a deep free fall and even had the presence of mind to make decisions on my ex's behalf that were clearly designed to demonstrate care. He didn't exactly thank me but later when lawyers were involved he acknowledged things I did to show I was being considerate. It might seem ridiculous to do this with an abuser but when you are wired for caretaking things like this can make it easier to manage that big bag of guilt so you can walk away.

Thank you for the advice livednlearned! I think I really need to have a solid plan before I proceed. I know if needed I can leave the house, take my dog, and we can even drive back home a few hours to my aunt's place if absolutely necessary. Because he does not work and he has no car, I want to do whatever I can to help (within reason) with the transition, and I'm hoping the lawyer can also help me problem solve.

It does help me to think of this as almost a "mental gym", like this horrible anxiety and stress I'm feeling now are helping me better manage the stress when the event actually happens. For me it's so bad in the mornings, I wake up just full of dread, dread that I need to make this decision, but also dread that I'm still in this situation. It's a weird place to be.

[AskingWhy]

Save yourself.  No need to be a martyr.  I should have left my uBPD H 20 years ago, but my twisted family messages about marriage caused me to stay.

Now I am here...stuck after 26 years of marriage to a man who has no more emotional functioning than a two year old, and his whole twisted personality disordered family (elderly father and children.)

Again, save yourself.  And no need to look back.  At a certain point, this is not your circus nor your monkey.  You owe him nothing.

[Cat Familiar]

In making a major life change, you’ve got to take care of yourself first. I understand how easy it is to want the best for our dysfunctional spouses and I spent many years protecting my ex husband from his bad choices and keeping him afloat. But I finally realized that doing that was depriving me of the fullness of my life and it was a one way street. He was an abuser, totally focused upon himself, though he would give me some cursory attention when he thought I was getting to the point of no longer tolerating him. That, seemingly, was enough for me to continue the trauma bond and stay with him, despite horrible behavior that I would never have imagined I’d tolerate.

When I finally cut the cord, he immediately attached himself to a welfare mom, like a remora. It took her a while to convince him that he needed to provide *something* to the relationship. (So much easier to see the dynamic when it’s happening outside one’s own realm.)

Over the years I’ve heard news about him, though thankfully I haven’t seen him in years. Apparently the same pattern plays out time and time again. Without me as a rescuer, he’s gotten into trouble with the law, and financial difficulties, yet he’s still alive, but fortunately for me, lives on the opposite coast.

Overall  message I’ve learned—you cannot save someone from themselves.

[GaGrl]

Since you have a therapist, you might consider meeting with the therapist and your H to tell him you want the divorce. You can have as much prep as needed before the meeting.

If your H does not have a car, do not give him a ride home after telling him you want the divorce. Arrange an Uber for him. You might want to stay somewhere else that night, in fact. You could even have divorce papers prepared in advance and have them served to him the day after telling him.

In the meantime, go ahead and get all important papers and documentation as well as items of sentimental or high $$$ value out of your shared house and put somewhere safe.

These are the kind of things we mean by having a solid plan. Putting one together helps you focus on practicalities and staying calm and in control.

[livednlearned]

Putting one together helps you focus on practicalities and staying calm and in control.

This is so true.

Prepare for intense emotion. My therapist prepared me by anticipating things he might say. She said he would likely try different approaches: begging, threatening, pleading, distancing, invading. Between her and my lawyer I was relatively prepared. When my ex cycled through the different responses, it was almost like checking off boxes and thinking, "Ok there's that one. Wonder which one is next."

It's a way to get off the roller coaster so you can move on with your life.

[Me?]

Thank you for sharing. I want to say I hear you! I need to leave after 28 years. It is grueling to have so much beautiful hope for something experienced in the past. You sound so strong, and you seem to have supportive friends. I wish you so much love and hope in the future. I hope for me, I too can get back to being me. Those moments of feeling the true spirit, are so lost in the confusion, and chaos, of having the person you chose to be closest to, live in utter chaos and deprivation. I fear he will be on his death bed, so much regret, if he every realizes that life can be so much fuller, and more joyful. I really do see how deeply unhappy he is inside; I guess all borderlines are? I am not sure.The more time goes by, the more I realize what an awful existence...to live in constant fear..without every feeling what it is to thrive. I hope you find clarity, and freedom...I hope to find that too...I am trying to create a vision for change. Prochaska says that is the greatest predictor of change. I wish you peace, and love, wisdom, and contentment...as you continue moving forward so bravely...

[Outdorenthusiast]

Take a deep breath.  You are doing the right things.  A friend of mine said “sit in the uncomfortable and it will become clear.”  It is normal to feel all torn up inside.  The more you share with friends, the more your resolve will reach clarity.

I have met with several lawyers and counselors and some good advice has been given, that I can share:
1) Keep up your therapy - courts love therapy.
2) Secure a divorce lawyer that is experienced in high conflict
3) Find a marriage therapist that is also a court mediator who has experience in high conflict. When you need to tell him you are divorcing, it can be a safe place for you + they can help to guide his emotions towards a practical and constructive unwinding. ( and courts love therapy)
4) Keep taking care of yourself (friends, family, exercise, time outdoors, church, sleep, eat well, etc.). You can’t think or handle his emotions when you are worn out.  You need to train for this like an athlete.
5) Remember - you can’t change/fix them.  It is a well worn cycle.
6) Write down in journals your reasons and why, and what you want.  When your emotions are all over the place (which they will be), re-read them and ground yourself and remember your why.

Take care,
Outdoors