Where to set the Limit/Boundary D BPD SD

[StepMothering]

I am seeking input on when it is the right time/stage (or not) to set limits and boundaries and to what extent.

D BPD SD is 31-years-old. Father only had regular visitation over the summers after he and her mother split at 3 years of age. As an adult she lived in another state so he contributed financially to school and random requests for money, but she didn't visit that often.

About 2 years ago, we received a plea from her ex to take SD in as she was likely going to kill herself from using drugs. We took her into our home and started her with a psychiatrist who ordered a full psyche evaluation which is how she received the BPD diagnosis. They recommended she go into an inpatient program.

We sent SD to an out of state intensive inpatient center focused on BPD but she didn't like the restrictions so checked herself out so she could go on vacation. 
Upon returning to our home, we enrolled her in an outpatient program that was 5 days a week.  We discontinued the outpatient program after three rounds (8 months) as it was expected to be sufficient to give her the awareness and skills she needed to manage herself.

We agreed to pay for a trade school to give her skills so she could eventually work and take care of herself. She was happy with the school and had been progressing along. Still not working but the understanding is she couldn't work until she received her first certification.

Five months ago she had an episode where she started using drugs again in our home and was in a psychotic state. My husband called the police they took her the psychiatric hospital and she was evaluated for a few days then released. At this time we told her she could only come back to our home if she did not use drugs and continued seeing her psychiatrist, DBT psychologist (from outpatient) and add on a regular therapist. Everything but the new therapist had been happening.

She has been attending school and even got a part time job and had been doing very well.

Last week she had another episode and attempted suicide, but then later told the police and psychiatric staff at the hospital that it was a mistake. When she was released less than 48 hours later she came to our home with drugs.  She acted out on our Ring camera with drugs in her hands knowing we would see it. Then she decided she didn't want to live in our toxic environment any longer, so she packed up most of her belongings to move out. She has no plan of where to go. She also went into our bedroom and closet going through everything, wrecking things and took a bunch of items that were very specific to make a point that she had been there.

I have high anxiety and have managed it well for years only having to take medication when dealing with episodes like these and/or high stress work/life situations.  I rarely medicate so I tend to have Xanax waiting for the need to take it.  Since SD has been with us she has asked me for some of my Xanax on numerous occasions. In the first few months, I would give her a 5mg every so often (of course, with a story about why she couldn't get it from a doctor or needed it), but about a year ago I stopped because I told her that her psychiatrist will provide her with whatever medications she needs. I am not going to mess with whatever balance her doctors are working toward.

I feel like she was looking for medications when she went through our bedroom and closet. I have felt this way for a long time though. Every time we were away for a night I would have anxiety that she would go looking for medications. At the time, I talked myself down by telling myself she had not proven to do it in the past so I couldn't assume she would do it.
This is the main point that is different about this episode from the others. Now I no longer trust her and I know she can be destructive to our property.

I thought my husband and I were on the same page when we both agreed we should not let her come back to our home. I thought he had told her this and it is why she moved out. I have been on edge that she would come to our home in the middle of the night in a rage. I cannot sleep and I am constantly checking the locks on the doors. (We had an electronic keypad lock that we disabled to keep her from coming in.) I have insisted that we get our security system working so I can have peace of mind.

When my husband brought up his concern that she couldn't live out of her car and we needed to do something, I responded that she needs to be accountable for her actions and take responsibility for her decisions. This is when I found out he hadn't even told her she cannot come back to our house. Of course, we proceeded to argue because he wanted me to see his side which is that if she doesn't have a place to live, she can't finish school so that she can then get a job and go out on her own. And the investment in all these programs, school and fully supporting her financially have been wasted. (We pay her car payment, her cell phone & provide her a gas card.  Her mother pays her car insurance.)

If you ask about her mother, SD blames her for causing her to be like this. She will not talk to her for long periods until she needs something then call her for that help (like Car insurance.) SD berates her on these calls so mother has gotten good at tuning her out and not answering until she can communicate calmly. During the episode 5 months ago her mother traveled in to try to help her, but she didn't want her help. SD says she won't ever live with her mother again.

I feel strongly we need to stand our ground and not invite her back to our home, so to sidestep my desire to not let her back into our home, he brought up the idea that he could get her an efficiency apartment so that she can finish school and have a way to support herself financially. I immediately said no. This is our money, not his money and at some point we have to cut off the SD support fund. In her own apartment she can do whatever drugs she wants and be doing them on our dime. I shouldn't have to explain our finances but retirement is looming w/i the next few years but because of the money we have already spent on SD it has to be delayed for at least a decade. I don't feel you can gamble with retirement because health does start declining with age and we have to be ready to take care of ourselves.

I understand my husband is aiming for the goal of finishing school so she can have a way to financially support herself. And he feels he has already invested so much to see the end in sight and stop short.
I have read over and over that we need to get ourselves healthy first. We need to stick to boundaries. We need to allow SD to experience discomfort because discomfort brings about change.
I feel like we have already moved the boundary several times.

So where do we draw the line?
What are the appropriate boundaries?
Is my expectation of SD taking responsibility for her actions and decisions out of line for someone with BPD?
If my expectation is out of line, I don't think I can sacrifice ongoing with no end in sight. I am concerned about our marriage. If I hold my ground, he will resent me. I don't know if our marriage will survive this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi StepMothering, welcome to the group -- from another stepmom. Glad you reached out for some more support; when there's a pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives, we need as much support as we can get.

Even when the pwBPD in our lives isn't a spouse, the stress that pwBPD bring to relationships in general can really impact a marriage. My H's kids are still teens, and it's their mom who has many BPD-type traits and behaviors (though no diagnosis), and her current husband has many strong NPD-type traits/behaviors. PD's bring immense stress on even "indirect" relationships -- so I get where you're coming from.

It sounds like at some level, both you and your H do agree that SD31 needs to support herself. I see that he's not arguing that you guys should be her bank forever, which is good. And I do get the "sunk cost" perspective, that maybe if she's 90% there, it could be worth it to "send her over the finish line".

And I also understand where you're coming from -- there's no guarantee that "well, if we just help her finish school, that's when she'll be able to stand on her own two feet". Then there's the added strand for you, that not only is money a conflict, but personal boundaries are, as well -- it all gets tangled together, it isn't just "she needs a place to live to finish school", it's your house, your sense of privacy, your ability to feel calm.

...

pwBPD can be awfully successful at playing people off of each other to get what they want, and it's really difficult when the pwBPD seems to be pitting one spouse against another -- whether intentional or not, that's sometimes how it feels or plays out.

You can probably guess that a strong approach would be for you and H to find ways to get on the same page first, before tackling how you want to finance/shelter SD31 (or not).

Is he open to doing marriage counseling? Do you think he would agree that SD31-related topics can cause conflict between you two? Maybe if MC is presented as a way for you to learn to work as a better team re: SD31, that could be a way in.

...

Are there any actual deadlines looming in terms of SD31? School fee deadlines, etc? I'm asking in order to get a bigger picture, because sometimes, when pwBPD are involved, decision-making can get an artificial sense of urgency -- so many things for them are so emotionally huge, that we "nons" can get swept up in believing that "decisions must be made now". Finding ways to step off of that freight train can help reduce anxiety and make for better long-term decisions.

...

One final thought before waiting to hear back from you -- the money part is stressful, we've been there too. We've had a joint account for our whole marriage, but one thing to keep in mind is that that setup doesn't work for everyone. Some couples have different/multiple account setups and that can decrease stress. I wonder if it'd be worthwhile for you to have your own account, and H have his own account, and maybe both of you have a joint account -- maybe some agreement that "each of us puts $X in the joint account, which is for utilities, mortgage, and XYZ", and then whatever either of you does with your personal accounts is up to you. So, the joint account wouldn't be for any SD31 financing. But, if H wanted to use his personal money to do that, he could do that -- that'd be his business and wouldn't touch your money or household money. Not for everyone, but an option.

...

Stepparenting on its own is really difficult. Adding in someone with a PD makes many parts of it excruciating. Keep posting here, as much as you need to  -- we'll be here to listen and support you.

-kells76

[StepMothering]

I think he would be able to do marriage counseling. I have set an appointment with a new therapist for next week for just me, but I might talk to the therapist about both of us having some sessions. This is a new therapist so it can take a while to get settled, although I will be coming out of the gate with this particular situation and how to form better coping skills.
He does believe SD31-related topics cause conflict. He has been setting periods of time that are "no discussion of SD31" so we can enjoy some time together.

SD31 was able to take a short-term leave from school so the payments are stopped for two weeks. However, if she does not return to school at the end of this period then we forfeit all the money we have paid in prior and she would have to start over. The only other urgency is his fear of having her living out of her car. He doesn't feel she can get stable in this state, which is proving true thus far.

I'll talk to my husband about the separate account for him. I actually do have a small account of my own because I wanted some independence. He never wanted an account of his own so he only accesses our joint account. He also handles all bills and household expenses out of the joint account.

[Sancho]

Hi Stepmothering
I've read your post a few times and I agree with the reasons you give for your position in this situation.

Then I read your reply post including:

SD31 was able to take a short-term leave from school so the payments are stopped for two weeks. However, if she does not return to school at the end of this period then we forfeit all the money we have paid in prior and she would have to start over. The only other urgency is his fear of having her living out of her car. He doesn't feel she can get stable in this state, which is proving true thus far.

The fact of losing everything you have invested is a strong reason to hold in there for a bit longer. It sounds as though sd manages okay for a while then the substance abuse happens and it all goes off the rails. Do you know what drugs she uses?

How long is it until the course would be finished and how long until you would expect her to get a job ie when the first certification would happen?

It might help to know that there is a general consensus that the symptoms of BPD can lessen in the 30-40 age group, and I think you said sd is 31?

I agree setting her up in a place before she has finished/got a job would mean free loading for others.

I wonder if you could make a plan that had a timeframe to independence? The situation is really at a tipping point: on the one hand you have been able to help her get to a position that is on the verge of success (at great cost to you). Whether she is able to take these next steps is not certain because she gets sidetracked into the drug taking (possibly to be with others, have friends?)

It is very difficult and I can certainly see both points of view. Perhaps having someone counsel you both will help you make the best decision you can make at this point in time.

[StepMothering]

@Sancho,
I have been thinking about it more and setting her up in an apartment of her own would mean not only would she have an environment to freely use drugs but it would also rack up further debt for us. I just don't see this as an option.

She uses ketamine and nitrous oxide (the latter is the one she keeps going back to regularly). She checked herself back in the hospital on Friday because she was having withdrawals from using up all her Xanax before she could refill the Rx so we can add that to the drug list.

It is definitely drugs allow her to go deep into spirals. We believe she uses the drugs to escape from pain and/or emotion. She is definitely lonely though if she is not in school, so I could see it bridging the gap to socializing.

Thus far her triggers have been different each time (as far as we know). The trigger 5 months back was due to her attempting the dating scene and the person she met told her he was not in a position to get into a relationship that wasn't mentally healthy. We didn't even know she was on dating apps.
I cringe admitting this next mistake, but it is what it is. The meltdown this last time was due to our forgetting to wish her a happy birthday. We had already bought tickets to a concert coming up over the weekend as her present and her best friend was flying in to attend with all of us, but on the day of her birthday we both forgot it was her birthday. There is no excuse for our oversight but we were both traveling for work (separate directions) and overwhelmed with weather, flight cancellations, client delays, etc.

The course is delayed now but I believe we are looking at a completion date of August/September. I really like the plan for a timeframe to independence. I think if we involve her in this by making a colorful creative display for her to look at it might be motivating to try to stay on track.

[Sancho]

Hi Stepmothering
Just a thought: the examples you give of the cause of the meltdowns seem to me to have the same core ie an experience of abandonment.

When a teenager I noticed my dd became angry when not getting attention. I asked her did it make her feel bad and she said 'I feel like I want to die'.

If you think about other examples, does this explanation fit in with the meltdowns? BPD is an experience of intense abandonment - for some it is easily triggered (as with my dd) while for others it takes a more significant event to trigger this.

Turning to substance abuse to relieve this pain is pretty common I think but if someone is able to use the skills taught in DBT they are able to use these skills at the time of this intense feeling and move through the pain to a better space.

For example, yes it can be disappointing when your birthday is forgotten (mine has numerous times) but the non BPD person feels upset but moves on. The bpd person can learn to do this with the right help (though not all will be able to do this: my dd is low functioning and has comorbidities that make this pretty difficult if not impossible.

In you case it might be possible for these skills to be learnt . . .