I could get revenge

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I could tell her government employer that she is/was a prostitute and get her fired (government security clearance required for her role)
I could tell the father of her kids that she is/was a prostitute to help him gain proper/official custody of the kids
I could try and get with her friends/work colleagues to make her jealous
I could do a lot of things to inconvenience her life or play on her fear of the world.
But I won’t. The best revenge is that I will recover from this and go back to the happy, fun loving guy I use to be. Where as she will continue living her life in pain, depression, anxiety, fear. And that’s my revenge.

[SurvivalGuy]

I could tell her government employer that she is/was a prostitute and get her fired (government security clearance required for her role)
I could tell the father of her kids that she is/was a prostitute to help him gain proper/official custody of the kids
I could try and get with her friends/work colleagues to make her jealous
I could do a lot of things to inconvenience her life or play on her fear of the world.
But I won’t. The best revenge is that I will recover from this and go back to the happy, fun loving guy I use to be. Where as she will continue living her life in pain, depression, anxiety, fear. And that’s my revenge.

[Rev]

I could tell her government employer that she is/was a prostitute and get her fired (government security clearance required for her role)
I could tell the father of her kids that she is/was a prostitute to help him gain proper/official custody of the kids
I could try and get with her friends/work colleagues to make her jealous
I could do a lot of things to inconvenience her life or play on her fear of the world.
But I won’t. The best revenge is that I will recover from this and go back to the happy, fun loving guy I use to be. Where as she will continue living her life in pain, depression, anxiety, fear. And that’s my revenge.

This is wise.

Thanks for sharing what many people think but maybe don't say out loud. Channeling our anger can serve as great motivation to heal.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Notwendy]

It's understandable to think and feel these things.

When we talk about boundaries, these involve our values, our own ethics. To take revenge would probably require not living up to being our best - not acting according to our own ethics. Ultimately this would diminish our own self esteem.

To not act on revenge isn't giving them a pass. It's an act of self care to take the high road. But the feelings- those are real and yes, expressing them in a safe place is a way to process them.

[MeandThee29]

A quote from my divorce attorney, "Seeking revenge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

I got my legal justice and left it there. What my ex does with the chaos he created and the rest of his life is up to him.

[Pook075]

At the end of the day, I still love my wife (soon to be ex wife).  I accept that she's sick and deep down, she's an amazing person who simply does not know how to love and trust the way we're supposed to in marriage or relationships.  My heart breaks for her and revenge is the last possible thing I want.  Really hoping that she finds happiness someday by working through her pain.
 
Heck, I hope she remarries and has a great life.

[Notwendy]

The pwBPD is my mother so for many reasons, revenge isn't something I would wish to have.

The Karpman triangle dynamics both explains the reasons for their behavior and why, revenge is not likely to be helpful.

If they are in victim position, you can either be in rescuer position or persecutor position. If they feel as if you are doing something to them ( whether it was true or not)- then it seems justified to them to hurt you.

You'd do the same if you were walking down the street and someone out of the blue attacked you. You'd probably attack back. This isn't the situation for them, except in their feelings. They feel as if you hurt them, they hurt you back.

This doesn't justify what they did and doesn't make it OK. However if you retaliate- they are likely to escalate as well.

[SurvivalGuy]

At the end of the day, I still love my wife (soon to be ex wife).  I accept that she's sick and deep down, she's an amazing person who simply does not know how to love and trust the way we're supposed to in marriage or relationships.  My heart breaks for her and revenge is the last possible thing I want.  Really hoping that she finds happiness someday by working through her pain.
 
Heck, I hope she remarries and has a great life.

I am truly happy for my nonBPD ex wife. We are still friends and I am glad she is happy. As for my recent exBPDgf, I am not even close to wanting to wish her all the best and I don’t think I ever will.

[Rev]

I am truly happy for my nonBPD ex wife. We are still friends and I am glad she is happy. As for my recent exBPDgf, I am not even close to wanting to wish her all the best and I don’t think I ever will.

And that is most certainly your right - each of us needs to do what we need to do to vent out.  I know that it took me a  LOONNNGGGG time to get the resentment I had towards my ex out of my system. It's just important to channel it - which is what I hear you saying.

Every journey is different.

So vent away my friend and continue bettering your own life.   

Rev

[BigEasyHeart]

Thanks for your post and for being straightforward with the thoughts we've all had at one time or another. I like you, would never choose to act on those thoughts because I believe it would only be causing damage to myself. But it is important to recognize them as part of the process. Unlike a lot of people with BPD, we do have the ability to recognize and even have compassion for these darker sides of our nature and still recognize that we are good compassionate people. In fact, I'd say that this ability is a big part of what allows us to be truly compassionate toward others.

Anyway, I do wish my ex well. I want her to be happy and believe she deserves happiness. As for how she treated me, lately, I've been trying to think of that as sort of a force of nature, like a hurricane or a child. It's hard to be angry at a child when they treat you like that and I really believe that's where she was coming from. I do hope she takes responsibility for this side of herself in the future (and explains this side of herself fully to any future partners). That is just the right thing to do. But I believe the first step in doing that is recognizing that part of herself, forgiving herself, and having compassion for that side of herself. If she can't do that, I fear that there will be more suffering for her and others in the future. I really don't want anyone else to have to go through what I've gone through (and am still dealing with).

I've truly never experienced anything like this relationship and its ending. I'm grateful for this site to be able to know I'm not alone in this.