Just Need to Vent / Emotional Void

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Allow me to vent. This is one of the main reasons I come to this board.

This afternoon was such classic BPD.

I'm travel to my childhood home for my Mother's Memorial:

- I txt uBPDw asking for a chance to talk about adjusting the schedule, a dear close friend asked us to come a night earlier because he was unable to see us during our scheduled days. We'll be at his home but he'll be gone on unexpected work travel.

- all I asked for was a conversation

- she dysregulated and went "long form" on me

She replied with:

- accusation that the trip was already short because I don't make enough money

- "we're already spending a fair amount of our time on family matters." [note: a. my Mother's Memorial ! b. we live on the opposite coast as my extended family. So it is, yes, time with family] . This makes my blood boil.

- "since we couldn't avoid having this trip" Again, let's not forget why we couldn't "avoid" this trip... um, my mother's death. [Sidenote: this is really telling of pwBPD and their low cognitive empathy. Ironically, my uBPDw was very close with my mother (she was able because it could be on her terms due to the long distance) but she is unable to have the emotions to grieve. Of course she is hijacking my grieving process]

- "this leaves me precious little time to do the things I want to do" [note: did I mentioned my mother died? And her focus on her self]

- "already it will not be much of a vacation for me" [note: The continued focus on her. Not sure this will be a vacation for me considering we're their to grieve my mother]

- "I didn't want to spend any time with your friends" [note: classic BPD isolating me and my kids from dear friends of 20 years]

- "you have a remarkable ability to just take and take and think only of your own agenda" [no comment. You can all see what this is... ]

And just so you have the full picture. There is no grief coaching from her to the kids; there is no support or words or kind engagement for me about what I might need in my time of grief; no gentle or sweet approach towards me; never checking in to see how I'm doing.

Just reading this makes me so sad. She's so sick. I'm so stuck.

[LifewithEase]

Allow me to vent. This is one of the main reasons I come to this board.

This afternoon was such classic BPD.

I'm travel to my childhood home for my Mother's Memorial:

- I txt uBPDw asking for a chance to talk about adjusting the schedule, a dear close friend asked us to come a night earlier because he was unable to see us during our scheduled days. We'll be at his home but he'll be gone on unexpected work travel.

- all I asked for was a conversation

- she dysregulated and went "long form" on me

She replied with:

- accusation that the trip was already short because I don't make enough money

- "we're already spending a fair amount of our time on family matters." [note: a. my Mother's Memorial ! b. we live on the opposite coast as my extended family. So it is, yes, time with family] . This makes my blood boil.

- "since we couldn't avoid having this trip" Again, let's not forget why we couldn't "avoid" this trip... um, my mother's death. [Sidenote: this is really telling of pwBPD and their low cognitive empathy. Ironically, my uBPDw was very close with my mother (she was able because it could be on her terms due to the long distance) but she is unable to have the emotions to grieve. Of course she is hijacking my grieving process]

- "this leaves me precious little time to do the things I want to do" [note: did I mentioned my mother died? And her focus on her self]

- "already it will not be much of a vacation for me" [note: The continued focus on her. Not sure this will be a vacation for me considering we're their to grieve my mother]

- "I didn't want to spend any time with your friends" [note: classic BPD isolating me and my kids from dear friends of 20 years]

- "you have a remarkable ability to just take and take and think only of your own agenda" [no comment. You can all see what this is... ]

And just so you have the full picture. There is no grief coaching from her to the kids; there is no support or words or kind engagement for me about what I might need in my time of grief; no gentle or sweet approach towards me; never checking in to see how I'm doing.

Just reading this makes me so sad. She's so sick. I'm so stuck.

[Turkish]

LifewithEase,

My condolences for the loss of your mother 

A few years ago, my ex gave our son her old phone. Naughty me, I asked to see it and scanned her text messages. Her stbwh's mother had just passed and they were arguing. They were physically separated but still seeing each other. She was painting me white to him that I had invited her for mother's day brunch and he was ignoring Her Important Day. I could imagine him screaming in desperation as he responded "my mother just died and you don't care!" And she ignored him and kept on about herself. This was the guy she left me for and even I felt badly about her utter lack of empathy for her husband's loss.

How do you feel you can deal with this?

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for your loss.

I have not seen my BPD mother show empathy or comfort others. That's an NPD trait but the PD traits can overlap some and she does have some of the NPD traits.

It's a shock to see this quality sometimes. When my father passed away, BPD mother seemed oblivious to how we kids were feeling. She received lots of comforting messages and gestures- appropriate- as it was understandably a loss for her.

I think she said something to me - don't recall what, but we kids were obviously upset and I said  "I just lost a father" to which she replied "Well I just lost a husband".

My own idea about this is that- anyone else feeling sad or upset becomes competition for Victim position. Only BPD mother can be in Victim position and it's the Victim who needs the attention. So if you mention there's something you want or need- you are selfish and inconsiderate of them.

Is there any way you can travel earlier on your own, or even go by yourself? Also please take care of yourself- this is a difficult time for you. Again, condolences for your loss.

[Joaquin]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Truly. I can’t bear the thought of losing a parent but they’re getting pretty far up there.

If ever there was a time to vent. I’m maddened for you. The extreme selfishness and lack of empathy has really upset me where it’s popped up (eg seeing me seriously injured and still just thinking about herself and giving me attitude), but nothing as extreme as what you’re experiencing rn after losing your mother. This highlights how unnatural it is for us to be in these relationships. In any other context it would be unthinkable to continue giving ourselves to someone who can act with such blatant cruelty towards us, but we have to somehow adjust our eyesight to see the disorder and not the person and not react. It may be what’s necessary but there’s nothing natural about it imo. We have to rewire our most natural and justified emotions. It’s a really bad recipe.

[livednlearned]

There is nothing like a death to bring into stark relief how this disorder can rob you of peace.

I hope you are able to feel some peace during this period, LifewithEase.

 

[LifewithEase]

Tomorrow's the Memorial.

I'm good. I'm solid. Of course sad with many emotional feelings.

My extended family adores me and we're rarely all together so the love and care I get from them, front and center, really pops.

Yet, the bittersweetness of my mother's passing is real. The sweet?

I'm with my siblings and their children (I'm a super Uncle, always have loved that role). Many are grown and going to cafes, for a drink or a hike with them has been fantastic. Listening to their lives, sharing advice. Seeing my kids have time, albeit just a few days, with their cousins on my side is a gift.

Don't you all worry, LOL: the BPD is there. Daily. Especially the push back on spending time with my family. The interesting new twist is that my kids are now old enough to see the odd declarations and stubborn requests.

It should give us all courage that if we're solid, emotionally connected, validating, and adult parents the bond happens with our little ones. The long game is paying off already.

It has been eas(ier) and comfortable establishing boundaries with my uBPDw. It literally is like background noise (think the teachers in Peanuts). I know it is there but there is something emotionally more important or mentally better to focus on.

Or simply, just the beauty looking out the window being back in my childhood home.